I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

Sounds like his causing an argument on purpose because his looking for a way out and for it to be “all your fault”. Careful OP, his being sly.

I definitely did. I couldn't live with it, in the end. Got the ick.

Bin.

Straight in the bin he would go. Either he is a total weirdo or looking for an excuse to end it.

Why on earth did he ask you that? And why when you gave an honest answer is he giving you the silent treatment? It’s controlling, be it consciously or subconsciously. Never apologise when you haven’t done anything wrong…

I have to say I would hate it if I found out DP had kissed a man when he was 17. I’m heterosexual, and no matter how drunk I was, I wouldn’t kiss a woman. So for me, kissing someone of the same sex would feel very significant. If DP revealed he’d kissed a man as a teenager, I would find myself thinking that he might be gay, or at least bisexual, and living a lie because of convention. You only have to read MN to see how many “heterosexual” men go on male hook-up sites. It would definitely unsettle me and make me paranoid. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person, but that’s how I’d feel.

The last part is your answer.

@ChandrilanDiscoDroid you can’t compare a heterosexual person who has had a homosexual experience with lesbians who have had sex with men when younger. They’re completely different situations.

The “default” is to be straight. Most kids will assume they’ll be straight, and will probably be slightly unnerved by finding themselves attracted to the same sex. They’ll usually try and convince themselves they’re imagining it, and that they’re straight like everyone else, so they’ll go out with other teens of the opposite sex. Eventually they accept who they are and get on with their lives. That is totally different from someone who claims to be straight (and therefore doesn’t face any stigma, emotional turmoil or judgement) choosing to have homosexual contacts. That’s an active choice which would call into question their sexual orientation.

I confess I wouldn't particularly like to imagine it if my husband said he'd kissed another man at 17, but I wouldn't give him the silent treatment, strop and make him feel as though he'd done something wrong. I also wouldn't insinuate that he'd be more likely to cheat on me.
This man has no emotional intelligence to react like this.

So, we've got two things going on here for the OP.

1. Some people don't like the idea of their OH kissing someone of the same sex.

2. Ways that our OHs react to things they don't like, that are not acceptable to us. Such as sulking and silent treatment. That he has clearly done in other situations, not just this.

So he can not like a thing, which some of us feel is understandable/reasonable, but also react badly to it in a sulking, controlling way, which is not.

He may just decide to leave. Or OP might. That does seem best for them.

@ChandrilanDiscoDroid I have no opinion on men kissing men or woman kissing women, I don’t find it gross, I don’t find it anything, I don’t think about it. But I don’t want to kiss a woman because I wouldn’t find them sexually attractive. And I don’t like the thought of my partner finding men sexually attractive. I don’t think many people would be happy with it if they’re honest.

What a big baby.

Some would mind, some wouldn't. And that's fine.

Aren't we all told, all the time, to not kink shame?

My kink is that I don't fancy men who fancy men.

Yeah thanks for dropping in to tell us how sexy you find two women kissing, but you’re being equally a prat in the opposite direction. It’s not automatically for your entertainment, and the women involved don’t automatically require your feedback.

OP there’s something weird about the original question your DP asked you - why did he want to know if your parents had ever wondered if you might be a lesbian? Is he worried you might be? Are you gender nonconforming in some way (obv not the same thing as being a lesbian but some people still conflate the two), or have you been showing interest in a woman recently that he might have misinterpreted as sexual?

Thank you for your viewpoint. I did not use the word sexy, that's your interpretation of my answer. The perspective I was providing was that the reaction of the OP's partner is something that I would consider quite contrary to a perceived albeit singular perspective normal.

No offence was intended and I apologise if any was taken.

Massive red flags for me, I'd put the brakes on and wait a little longer. 2 years isn't long enough to commit to buying a property with someone, imo. What you describe are big red flags, and it's not uncommon for the mask to slip around 1-2 years of relationship.

OP I will give you the best advice you will ever receive in your life ….

GET OUT WHILST YOU CAN.

You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste it with this man. Do not marry him. Do not have children with him. His abusive sulks will only get worse. Run now and don’t look back.

Does he show any indicators of controlling behaviour? As in try to comment on your clothes? Makeup? Friendship group? Activities (such as nights out)?

Your original comment wasn't offensive to me, but it focused on the man being a prat for not finding the situation a turn on, when he's actually a prat because op hasn't done anything wrong and he's treated her badly. Hope that helps!

Be thankful you’ve only wasted 2years with this idiot
chuck him back and do not by a house with him fgs

My friends and I were in all sorts of predicaments when younger and sometimes I don't remember who the hell I was smooching. At that time, no way would I have been lesbian or even bisexual because I only felt attraction to men. Most of us had ' incidents' involving a girl smooch. Many young women would also 'perform' by kissing, naively in front of any guys just to look at their reaction. In my youth,we did this. I didn't know any better on that front re proactive entertainment for men.

It was however common place for many people to be shall we say ' hedonistic'. This is not a determination of being gay for many of us. And it is not what the actual problem is here.

I have ' difficult ' people I know who will use my own liberal minded views and protests against homophobia as a way to bait me. Saying things constantly like ' you're gay ' ' are you gay '. That would explain the weird questions her dreamboat is asking ref her preference and past. All of it is manipulation and control.

He's a wrongun.

Having a one time experience with the same sex as a youngster does not make a person bi, gay or anything else.

I forget the exact number, but I have read studies by reliable sources that a massive percentage of children growing up considered homosexuality.

I am firmly of the opinion that we are all somewhere on a scale of bisexuality. Given the correct situation, we could all consider some form of comfort from the same sex. Why do you think it is so common in prisons among men and women. Especially in younger men.

And yes actually, if we ever have an argument he will just stop speaking to me for days unless I am the one to take charge

Silent treatment and stonewalling is classed as emotional abuse @Thegrants , think carefully whether you really want to stay with an abusive, manipulative man. You cannot change him so you either give in to his unreasonable demands until you are an empty shell or you run. You are at a crossroad in your life so choose wisely. Choose yourself.

@ARealitycheck As someone said earlier, if a woman posted here saying her boyfriend had told her he’d kissed a man when he was 17, she’d be told to leave him.

As you say, having a one time experience with the same sex as a youngster does not make a person bi/gay. But for me it would introduce enough of an element of doubt that I would be very uncomfortable. The number of men who conceal their homosexuality is sufficiently high for me to worry that my partner was one of the men I so often read about on MN.

He asked because he was laughing at a memory of his parents thinking he would be gay because as a kid he would write poetry and always asked for pens and pads for his birthday so that he could write stories and poems. So he was telling me about it in a lighthearted way, just laughing and then casually asked if my parents thought that about me or my siblings. I think he just expected me to say no.

tbh I shouldn’t have said it. It’s a non event, it didn’t need to be shared. But I just didn’t think it was a big deal and didn’t realise that it would cause this, I didn’t think he would care.

My boyfriend is of course entitled to feel however he feels. If he is uncomfortable with it then fine, but it’s how he’s behaving that is really upsetting and confusing me because even if he doesn’t like it, I haven’t actually done anything wrong