I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

Is this a crap attempt at some sort of 'gotcha!'?

Any normal person wouldn't give a toss! Loads of young people experiment. Nothing wrong with it.

He's done you a favour, believe me.

Block him, and spend some of those savings on a nice holiday with your friends. Be sure to get off with loads of people.

And therrrrrrre it is.

I didn't want to go there...
We need ghe chortle emoji back.

Exactly. I'm confident the majority of us would be mortified if it was common knowledge some of the things we did as teenagers.

We totally do. I miss it. 😅

Yikes. Horrible behaviour by him. Controlling, immature and nasty. He's shown you who he is, several times now.

Lots of good advice given by PPs.

Run for the hills, OP.

There what is?

If OH had told me he kissed one of his friends, I would feel very weird about it.

We can't argue with our feelings.

More red flags than a 4th of July parade.

Don't waste your good years on this tool.

The many, many, many people who will announce that the second they know a man has kissed another man, they consider him forever tainted and unmanned and unattractive in every way, no matter the circumstances, whilst decrying 'homophobia'.

Tons of people have kissed a friend at some point. Opposite or same sex. Sometimes that's how you met a friend. So what?

DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian

Why on earth did he even ASK that?

He sounds awful. But the problem is easily remedied.

Has he been watching Andrew Tate? Why does he think he's in competition with anyone else? If he's reacted like this before I'd be looking at ending the relationship. He doesn't have a healthy mindset and I'd be concerned if the relationship develops it might lead to further emotional or other kinds of abuse

17 years ago? You’d feel weird if he’d kissed one of his friends, once, 17 years ago?

Is it homophobic to not want to go out with a bisexual person?

Is it transphobic to not want to sleep with a trans man?

Yes. I think I was fairly clear on that matter?

And if my OH tried to argue me out of my feelings - would he be the controlling one?

This is a red flag, especially considering your update about how he often gives you the silent treatment. I have a relative who married a man who gives the silent treatment and they have a child together. All I can say is: don’t do it!!!

I kissed lots of my female friends when I was a teen. And some of my male friends kissed each other too, including the straight ones. We were being silly and having fun, who cares?!

Would you react the way OP describes her partner has?

Wouldn't you simply ask questions for clarification if you were so unsettled and weirded out?

Would an answer like ' we were drunk, it was a laugh, certainly a one off. I'm quite certain I'm not gay love'

Would that not be enough? I would absolutely be ok with that. I actually really like the confidence and self assuredness that comes with guys who don't get all upset about this stuff. And it's nothing to be upset about for me. I am very against homophobic nonsense. OP and her partner know she isn't running off to find a female replacement this week. So what's the real problem?

This guy is picking any reason to dominate OPs feelings.

Yet, this subject, where we have such proclamations from guys in 'disgust'; that actually signals something to me like ' doth protest too much'.

I imagine OPs boyfriend's spends double the amount of time on the crapper enjoying the visceral experience of all that to be honest with you.

There it is again. You've decided that someone is bi, with no reference to their actual feelings, because you assume that two men kissing is so gross and unmanly that the only reason someone would do it is because they're gay or bi.

And yes, automatically writing off someone because they're bi is both biphobic and homophobic. Your feelings aren't a weather pattern. They are in fact substantially influenceable. And when they're homophobic as fuck you both can and should have a bloody good go at unpacking them and getting the fuck over them.

A smooch with a friend as a teenager does not a bisexual make. 😂

Well, I must be homophobic then, because I don't want to go out with a man who is attracted to other men.

Do you go about asking your partner if his parents thought he was gay as a teenager?

Silent treatment and proclamations of being unable to look at you in response to such a 'revelation' are not examples of healthy debate and acknowledgement of anyone's feelings.

It's control.

So ridiculous from him. Very childish.

His reaction is a tool of control. He is manipulating you to work for his approval, to get back into his good books so that you don't feel so emotional unsettled by this surprising turn of events.

I agree I don't think his reaction is motivated by homophobia, however it looks, because you would almost certainly have seen some indication of it before now but he can re-use this issue over and over again (and he will) because you can't change the past.

I think it's in your interests to end this relationship. I understand it hurts now but with time and distance from him you will probably recall other concerning behaviours and will feel relieved you are no longer having to deal with it. Expect him to try every tactic he can to stop you ending the relationship, he will not be able to deal with miscalculating how well trained he has you.

With around half of people now in middle age having had same sex experiences as teenagers, it is a fair possibility you have or do go out with men just like that.