Am I being dramatic to consider ending things over DP’s view on feminism?

[Ubadl]

I feel really shit about this and don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion.

DP is 43 and I’m 37. We’ve been together 5 years and have a two year old DS. DP has a highly respected career and is on the face of it very educated and likes a debate, can usually see two sides to something etc. In recent years my feminist views have been more vocalised, I guess as a result of getting older and seeing the realities more and more as to how women were and are treated.

We were playing with DS today and the topic of feminism came up. I said I hope DS is a feminist as he grows up … this was said in the middle of play and DP suddenly said I hope he’s not. I obviously questioned what he meant and he said he ‘didn’t want DS to ‘be’ anything’ as long as he wasn’t misogynistic, racist or homophonic etc. I felt immediately offended about this and couldn’t even bring myself to explain to him that feminism is part of combating misogyny, for example. He knows I’m upset but hasn’t spoken about it since and this happened several hours ago.

He is otherwise a decent man. He’s a good parent to DS. I feel so upset about this I am genuinely considering whether we have a future. Not sure if this is a dramatic reaction… I’m not an ‘extreme’ feminist and rarely talk about such matters with DP as they don’t come up, but I am of course a feminist and his comments have made me feel shit.

TBH, the way some MNers describe feminism, and the beliefs they espouse which they claim are linked to their feminism, I wouldn't want to be a feminist either.

Your DP sounds like he doesn't want to be overly prescriptive about what your son is or isn't. There's a lot about your kids you don't get to choose & I promise you that they will disappoint you (& you will disappoint them). I think I'm with the DP, don't create problems that don't need to be there.

It sounds like in that split second you and dp had different ideas of what being a feminist means and different images of what that might look like on DS.

you say you don’t discuss this with him often, so cool off and at another time have a chat with him about what it means to you and try to understand what it means to him.

you both need to take a minute to understand both sides. It doesn’t sound to me like he doesn’t support what you believe in, rather that he is imagining something else entirely. Feminism is a huge word that has many different shades to it.

Your dh doesn't sound very well rounded

sorry (not sorry) but you come across as a little nuts where’s as your DP sounds intelligent with a balanced perspective on life. To seriously reconsider your relationship over this is crazy and doesn’t bode well for the future. Whatever happened to compromise? Whatever happened to respecting different viewpoints? And your child is equally as much your DPs as yours. It isn’t your way or the highway.

I said YABU - just talk it through with him when your ds isn't there, I'm sure it's not a major thing, you just need to find out where he was coming from.

Yes it’s a very dramatic reaction to an off the cuff comment from an otherwise good parent and decent man. Presumably you’d have noticed if he was a rampant misogynist?

I don’t believe you’d rather your son grown up with his parents living separately; think you need to take a bit of time and calm down.

Quite the opposite. OP is the one who doesn’t sound well rounded at all.

He said he doesn't want your child to be racist, homophobic or misogynistic, honestly can't see your problem if he's otherwise a good egg. I'd be pretty pissed off at the tone of your post if I were him.

This.

Do you have a right to break up a family unit and damage your child?

I don’t have a strong opinion on the specific conversation the OP is referring to. But regardless, does the OP have a right to choose who she wants to be with? Yes, she does.

This
I cannot understand why on earth unless there’s a huge back story why you would consider breaking your family up over this
speak to him - he’s probably wondering what on earth he’s done wrong to get the silent treatment

Really? Why?

I think you are falling out over a hypothetical future.

It’s ok to be concerned about women’s rights. It’s also ok to recognise that boys can be under significant pressure too, and need support to grow into well rounded individuals. Perhaps your DH was thinking about that.

In my area there is violence against women and girls, as there is everywhere else. Those most at risk are working class white boys growing up in areas of deprivation. It’s bloody hard to protect them, and equally important as protecting girls.

I am getting more feminist with every passing year, but wouldn’t look at a little boy and wonder about his future as a feminist.

Are you giving him the silent treatment?

I think DP is right to say that DS doesn’t need to be anything, except kind, tolerant and not racist, misogynistic or homophobic.

Feminism as you are describing it, sounds strident and I think it’s an issue you discuss calmly, rather than rushing to a conclusion that it should split the family.

I think you probably need to have a conversation with him instead of stewing over this and imaging dramatic scenarios where you have to leave him.

Your DH seems intelligent and well balanced. Sorry - but you don’t. 🤷‍♀️

I'd feel a bit perturbed too, in your situation.

Can you adopt a watching brief? Just observe what he says and does of relevance to this issue for awhile, before mak8ng any decisions?

I wouldn't want my DSs to be feminists either. It makes me recoil when men appropriate the label for themselves, announce it, then stand then smugly waiting for their pat on the head and for women to all fall silent while they pontificate about the matters that impact us. Not a misogynist is great. Quiet unobtrusive acts of support for women, amplifying our voices, is better still. Taking a women's rights movement as an identify for themselves is not required or welcome because feminism is not about who a man is.

Unreal, man. Unreal.

I think he probably meant that he is keeping an open mind about what your son will be like and doesn’t want to force one particular view on him, to an extent- with the exceptions being racism misogyny and homophobia.

I would take his comment as meaning he wants a home with open debates and no one view presented as the correct one.

Unless there is a backstory?

What is your DH’s definition of a feminist and what is yours?

It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions about what he thinks feminism is. Why have you been triggered about this? Have you spoken to him about what feminism means to you, and the reasons why? What does he think feminism is? It might look like overly sensitive rejection of reasonable values and attitudes, if you’re saying you’re a feminist and behaving in a rather overly sensitive manner? I wouldn’t want my kids to grow up overreacting to such a statement either!
Why not have a chat with him, in an open and curious rather than a defensive way. See what he says. But I think you’d be better off understanding what’s really going on for you - that would most likely be very helpful.