Am I being dramatic to consider ending things over DP’s view on feminism?

[Ubadl]

I feel really shit about this and don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion.

DP is 43 and I’m 37. We’ve been together 5 years and have a two year old DS. DP has a highly respected career and is on the face of it very educated and likes a debate, can usually see two sides to something etc. In recent years my feminist views have been more vocalised, I guess as a result of getting older and seeing the realities more and more as to how women were and are treated.

We were playing with DS today and the topic of feminism came up. I said I hope DS is a feminist as he grows up … this was said in the middle of play and DP suddenly said I hope he’s not. I obviously questioned what he meant and he said he ‘didn’t want DS to ‘be’ anything’ as long as he wasn’t misogynistic, racist or homophonic etc. I felt immediately offended about this and couldn’t even bring myself to explain to him that feminism is part of combating misogyny, for example. He knows I’m upset but hasn’t spoken about it since and this happened several hours ago.

He is otherwise a decent man. He’s a good parent to DS. I feel so upset about this I am genuinely considering whether we have a future. Not sure if this is a dramatic reaction… I’m not an ‘extreme’ feminist and rarely talk about such matters with DP as they don’t come up, but I am of course a feminist and his comments have made me feel shit.

I'm naturally suspicious of a man saying he's a feminist. More often than not, it's just a way to signal virtue and earn cookies and eventually speak louder than women.

Not being misogynistic sounds like a really good start.

I've been told by more than one woman on this website that they don't think men should call themselves feminists no matter how much they support feminist ideals.

Ultimately, surely it's more important that he supports the ideals and helps you to raise your son with those ideals in mind, rather than he adopt a particular label?

That sounds fair enough to me.

Seriously, people break up over something like this???? Is this a joke?

Does it really matter? Personally I never trust a man who says he is a feminist, for many reasons, but mostly because they know f all about the struggle of being female.

Except that many feminists on here believe that a man cannot be a feminist. An ally maybe.

exactly
there are probably millions of people (men and women) who would balk at the idea of calling themselves feminists, but if asked 'do you support equal rights for women and men' would say 'Of course!'
Even though that's literally what feminist means.
I think lots of people assume feminist = feminist activist. They think you have to be actively involved in a movement, or feel (and speak) very passionately about it to claim the label, rather than just be an integral part of your values and the way you live your life.

It seems a bit silly, but, I suppose just think of it in another way - if asked to describe myself and my world views I wouldn't immediately say "Oh, I'm an evolutionist!" but if asked if I believe in evolution of course I do.

While it would be nice if everyone who agrees with the importance of women's rights was happy to identify with the term feminist, ultimately it's how he acts that's the most important thing - as some wise women once said, deeds not words.

They do not, no.

Just imagining the conversation in years to come:

Mum, why are you and daddy divorced?

Well son, he refused to be labelled a feminist, and that was obviously the moment our marriage ended.

FFS.

You sound like a childish drama llama.

Your poor DH.....and son!

Actions speak louder than words, especially when it comes to feminism. If he's largely doing his bit to be a decent member of an equal society then I think you'd be absolutely bonkers to take this to heart, and a poor mum to break up your family over it.

I voted YABU because I think it’s really odd that whilst your 2yo was playing you brought up them being a feminist.

I have never thought about my DC being a feminist when they’re older.
I’ve never once looked at a 2yo and thought or said, that I hope they’re not racist or homophobic when they grow up.

The fact that you even said this implies that you wanted an argument over it and he’s probably sick of it.

Is this a windup? Seriously?

To say you are being dramatic is the extremely mild end of your reaction.

Your OH sounds balanced and fine. Your reaction is ridiculous.

Interesting that some on here don’t like feminism because it’s strident. Because god forbid women should promote their rights etc forcefully, eh? Must do it in a more ladylike manner.

@Ubadl I think your DH sounds fine, and I also agree that I don’t think men can be feminists but they can certainly be feminist allies.

Perhaps this can be an ongoing conversation as your DS grows up.

I support women’s rights but based on many of the attitudes on MN I wouldn’t want to be labelled a feminist and be associated with some of them.

The feminism boards are some of the most toxic parts of MN and it’s like any extreme viewpoint, for the most part it’s gone from something which could have been positive into a step too far.

Bearing in mind that extreme feminism isn’t just pro women’s rights, it’s also anti men.

Besides which your DS is going to be a man. It’s not possible for him to be a feminist as he’s not feminine. That doesn’t mean he can’t support women’s rights though.

No. Because how he grows up is going to be his choice.

Of course they can talk to him about various topics, but ultimately his views growing up will be his own.

I think the term of feminism is still synonymous with “man hating” to some people, or OTT activists. A lot of people still need taught what feminism is. I speak to a lot of girls at my school who don’t want to identify as a feminist, because they don’t understand. I teach all of my students about feminism and the importance of it, and yet I hide the designated boards on here. I think as long as he supports feminism, it doesn’t massively matter what he identifies as.

I think it's worth a proper talk with him. I think everyone should be a feminist in the true sense of the term. There is a lot of misunderstanding around the term though, even with well educated women, so maybe you and DP just have different ideas of what feminism is.

But why is it?? Because the OP has decided that he needs to welcome the label ‘feminist’? Who would even bother to have this conversation?!

Your poor husband. This isn’t a reason to leave unless you want him to go and find someone more reasonable than you are.
I wouldn’t want to be labelled a feminist, and my DS isn’t either. He’s well balanced, knows his own mind, has good values and is kind, which it sounds like your DH is encouraging in your DC. At least one of his parents isn’t projecting onto a 2 year old!
Oh and I don’t need educating about feminism. I’m allowed my own opinion these days you know 😊

OP, I sympathise, I would have felt the same if I thought DP was rejecting feminism.

It's not clear if he was, or if this is more about definition of terms, and from your update, it looks like you may actually be more aligned than you feared?

FWIW, I don't think men can be feminists.

I used to but I've changed my mind on that. I think they can support feminist principles, but you have to actually be a woman to be a feminist IMO.

I don’t understand? Parents obviously teach their children the values they consider to be important. Children are equally obviously influenced by this. What he’s like once he’s grown up will of course ultimately be down to him, but while he’s growing up of course his parents’ views will have an impact.

And there’s hardly anything bad about wanting your son to grow up not to be misogynist, racist or homophobic.

Husband is normal , you're over dramatic

Good for him. Feminism a is toxic ideology and not one that I or an increasing number of women want anything to do with.

What sort of beliefs are you talking about?

So she can find out if her DH agrees with women having equal rights. That is exactly what feminism is. I'd say it was pretty important to talk to your husband and co-parent to make sure they don't see women as less than men. Is that not something you see as important?