Am I being dramatic to consider ending things over DP’s view on feminism?

[Ubadl]

I feel really shit about this and don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion.

DP is 43 and I’m 37. We’ve been together 5 years and have a two year old DS. DP has a highly respected career and is on the face of it very educated and likes a debate, can usually see two sides to something etc. In recent years my feminist views have been more vocalised, I guess as a result of getting older and seeing the realities more and more as to how women were and are treated.

We were playing with DS today and the topic of feminism came up. I said I hope DS is a feminist as he grows up … this was said in the middle of play and DP suddenly said I hope he’s not. I obviously questioned what he meant and he said he ‘didn’t want DS to ‘be’ anything’ as long as he wasn’t misogynistic, racist or homophonic etc. I felt immediately offended about this and couldn’t even bring myself to explain to him that feminism is part of combating misogyny, for example. He knows I’m upset but hasn’t spoken about it since and this happened several hours ago.

He is otherwise a decent man. He’s a good parent to DS. I feel so upset about this I am genuinely considering whether we have a future. Not sure if this is a dramatic reaction… I’m not an ‘extreme’ feminist and rarely talk about such matters with DP as they don’t come up, but I am of course a feminist and his comments have made me feel shit.

So marry a man who's a feminist?

So, in short, no, feminism is not just believing that men and women are equal.

yes i see no problem with that if that is the life they want. people are free to marry and structure their family as they choose. if you want a career and kids then the obvious answer is to find a partner with a job or finances that allow them to work full time

I don’t believe in forcing your views, political or otherwise, on your young children.

Just raise them to be well mannered, respectful etc and they’ll be fine. I have friends kids who have been telling my 7yo horror stories about Gaza and like he really doesn’t need to know about this. Let him be a kid.
My parents were practically a-political growing up. Were never racist but never rampantly ‘anti’ racist etc and I haven’t grown up hating anyone!

Yes, you are being dramatic.

How can you raise children to be well mannered and respectful without forcing your views about manners and respect on them?

I think you mean that you feel fine with sharing your views with dc, but don't think other people should share their views.

Ultimately out dc learn from us whether we mean for them to or not. It isn't possible to avoid.

When people talk about feminism and how toxic it is, are we talking exclusively about trans issues? Are people happy to throw out the whole baby of women’s emancipation, VAWG, reproductive rights and employment rights with the bathwater of the trans debate?

It's not called the F word for nothing. Feminism has always been derided by those who either don't understand it or believe it's against their interests. It's blamed for everything in the manosphere. I take those who think it's 'toxic' while reaping the benefits, with a pinch of salt.

Why does someone need a label?

This 100%!

I agree with Renabrook too. I have never liked being labeled or put in a box. I have always been that way. Why do I have to have a label?

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have or am not allowed to have beliefs, values or support causes e.g. feminism, environmentalism, disability rights, anti discrimination etc.

I wonder how you'd feel if the boot was on the other foot and your DP was acting like the Thought Police.... Controlled? Dictated to?

You'd be well advised to stop wagging your finger at him, respect that he has a right to his view and doesn't want to toe your feminist line. And he shouldn't have to pass your completely arbitrary and unknown feminist test to be allowed to stay in the relationship with you. That's no way to live.

It is however "mental" to enforce your views on others. Not least of all that feminism is about freedom and emancipation, whereas the OP is now the dictator, stating what the DP should say and think. Ha! The irony.

Feminism is about equality at the very least (which I for one would totally expect my partner to be on board with, and a value to bring my children up with) and liberation from the patriarchy.

Also, did you read the OP’s other posts before posting yourself?

There's no irony. Feminism is about the freedom and emancipation of women, not about men's rights to do as they please, as that would be in direct conflict with the aims of the movement. I don't agree with the OP in this particular case, but we shouldn't confuse feminism, a movement to progress women's rights, with liberalism towards men who may wish to speak or act in ways that obstruct it.

Passive aggressive badgering of a poster who's already explained herself.

Sounds like he wants the same thing but without the label 🤷‍♀️

The OP's husband said he doesn't want his son to be racist, homophobic or misogynistic, what the hell does there need to be a discussion about? No, the 2 year doesn't need a label.

Yep, I was agreeing with you. Perhaps I articulated it poorly. I will try to "feminist better" in future. 😂

I agree with your DP. I wouldn’t want to put labels on my DC either. I’d like them to grow up to be decent human beings who are respectful of others, kind and generous. If they choose to fight for one particular cause, that’s up to them but I don’t want them to feel like they have to be an activist.

It feels quite the leap to consider ending a 5 year stable relationship over this.

Exactly, there's not enough eye rolls for some of the posts on this thread.

The OP reports that the DP doesn't agree with misogyny etc, but because the DP doesn't say it exactly as the OP wants, with the approved label, it's a sackable offence.

talk about splitting hairs and creating problems where there aren't any!

I'd also goes as far as to say the OP is being controlling.

One thing I have noticed that generally people who criticise feminism as “having gone to far” or being “man hating” or wanting “women to be ahead of men” or to get jobs they aren’t qualified for simply because they’re women never actually provide examples of any of these things happening. It’s a bit like bendy bananas and cancelling Christmas….

Yes, it’s very noticeable. But if you point that out you’re “passive aggressively badgering”.

Be more ladylike, Kate!

As for the accusations of controlling, all I can say is that women really can be their own worst enemies sometimes.

I agree, women can be their own worst enemy when they call men controlling and start a thread like this.