Am I being dramatic to consider ending things over DP’s view on feminism?

[Ubadl]

I feel really shit about this and don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion.

DP is 43 and I’m 37. We’ve been together 5 years and have a two year old DS. DP has a highly respected career and is on the face of it very educated and likes a debate, can usually see two sides to something etc. In recent years my feminist views have been more vocalised, I guess as a result of getting older and seeing the realities more and more as to how women were and are treated.

We were playing with DS today and the topic of feminism came up. I said I hope DS is a feminist as he grows up … this was said in the middle of play and DP suddenly said I hope he’s not. I obviously questioned what he meant and he said he ‘didn’t want DS to ‘be’ anything’ as long as he wasn’t misogynistic, racist or homophonic etc. I felt immediately offended about this and couldn’t even bring myself to explain to him that feminism is part of combating misogyny, for example. He knows I’m upset but hasn’t spoken about it since and this happened several hours ago.

He is otherwise a decent man. He’s a good parent to DS. I feel so upset about this I am genuinely considering whether we have a future. Not sure if this is a dramatic reaction… I’m not an ‘extreme’ feminist and rarely talk about such matters with DP as they don’t come up, but I am of course a feminist and his comments have made me feel shit.

Sorry can't see what your husband did wrong. Tbh I would be resentful if you tried to shove feminist down my throat. You sound preachy and judgemental. Not doing your cause any favours. To think of splitting over this makes you sound unhinged sorry.

Is it passive-aggressive badgering if I ask you to point out where the OP said this?

You’re overreacting.

sorry it took my a while to respond to this i failed to spot this post. how about this leeds piano competition? where women were to be given special consideration? since when has gender effected the ability to play piano? should we not let the most talented people win?

slippedisc.com/2024/09/exclusive-how-the-leeds-piano-competition-is-rigged-for-equality/

Well, a bit of googling has shown me that despite roughly equal numbers of men and women attending music conservatoires, 85% of piano completions are won by men.

I don’t know enough about music to comment further but it does appear that bias, sexism, call it what you will, plays a part in the classical music world as it does elsewhere. This maybe a ham fisted attempt to redress the balance - perhaps a better way to go would be to have male and female completions - and with the same pot of prize money would be nice!

Thank you. I’ll have a proper look at this- but a superficial glance, and my memory, suggests that this is a an area where women have been historically discriminated against (there is other evidence that in the world of classical music, blind auditions result in far more women getting jobs than the more traditional approach). In an attempt to redress this imbalance, the Leeds Competition’s policy says that if there is a tie between a man and a woman (so equal ability) the woman should go forward. So it’s not about gender having anything to do with the ability to play the piano, but gender having something to do with the ability to get through auditions! But I’ll get back to you.

He sounds like an off the cuff moment. Your DS is 2!He's nor going to ""be"anything for quite a while. Meantime model a good equal RL for him, by both working sharing chores and so on.if he's a good man and he doesn't want DS to be misogynistic that's fine I think

but if both are equally talented why not give a second scoring or have both play again to see who should go ahead. why should it by default be the woman?

These are the relevant clauses:

4.6 If there are two candidates with equal scores competing for one place
and one is a woman candidate, we ask the Juror to consider advancing her first.
4.20 In the instance of a single gender outcome or an outcome that
significantly reduces the ratio of women to men in the Competition,
there will be a revote for all places.

So it seems that yes, it’s likely there would be a re-vote.

only if there is not enough women or no males. even if there is one male and the rest all n women there would be no revote but the other way around if there is more women the men this would not necessarily be the case.

But that's the issue—it's a label. For some, anyone can label themselves as anything; that's the easy part. However, the proof is in the pudding—it's in how you actually conduct yourself consistently throughout your life. This is what matters.

Many will use a label, fail to live up to it or not even fully understand what it means and end up letting others down because of this. I'd rather not label it and just act decently.

Because, as I said, women have faced discrimination in the classical music world for years. If there were not extra hurdles in women’s career path, I would agree with you.

I’m sorry- I don’t understand your point here.

I think there’s an interesting fundamental point here.

where there has been historic discrimination is it right to let the pendulum swing the other way for a bit or should it stop at equality?

is positive discrimination fair? A necessary evil to lead to equality? Revenge?

but the struggles of the past literally have no effect on someone’s playing ability now. someone’s ability is down to their hard work and talent. and before you say well girls need to know they can play piano. no girl in the uk and i mean no girl has ever been taught they can’t become a pianist

The people who do the auditions and selections do exactly that. Honestly-you seem to believe in a society that is working for the best in the best of all possible worlds. The fact that nobody has ever told girls that they can’t learn an instrument is a key point. No, they haven’t. In fact if either sex is told that-it’s boys! But professional classical musicians are still predominantly men.

So we agree no one’s being told ‘you can’t do this’ but somehow the result is still blamed on discrimination without showing where it happens? we don’t encourage the best of the best by giving out token awards

I like your partner's vision better and I have been a feminist my whole life.

What is the definition of feminist?

Perhaps asking your DH to define feminism would be helpful?

Why is it up to her DH to define feminism?