Sitting in a Premier Inn

[sittinginapremierinn]

Was I unreasonable to just walk out - only for the night probably

Married 25 years to a sulker. As they all say, 95% on the time decent bloke, does his share, helped with the kids and dogs. But and it’s a big but every now and then he finds a reason to sulk. He pulls his faces, silent treatment, he’s ‘fine’, creates an atmosphere. I usually try to ignore, try to engage, wait it out etc. When he comes out of it he apologises and says he doesn’t know why he does it.

He’s been sulking all weekend for some misdemeanour I’ve committed, I don’t know what. I’ve lost it, booked a premier inn and walked out. He can sort out the sulk himself. Told the kids (18 and 23) I’m fine I just need a break. Packed a bag will go to work from here tomorrow.

I deserve better than that.

This is what trial separation is for. You set a timeframe and tell him to go to therapy during that time frame. He needs to prove he will stop this, so he needs to actually put work into it.

@sittinginapremierinn on your return home, the least wee sign of sulkiness still remaining, I would turn on my heels and return to a better hotel and use the joint credit card!! and he had better be making the dinner for the rest of the week!!

Fuck if I know 🤷‍♀️

It usually lasts for a day maybe two at it’s longest then I snap out of it. I’m generally easygoing and upbeat otherwise.

I promise I’m not eeyore ‘woe is me-ing’ all the time 😁

Long conversation. He doesn’t know why he does it, he acknowledges it is an issue. He doesn’t know how to get out of the spiral when the sulk starts.
My trip to the premier inn means I avoided more sulking and the self pitying stage and that works for me. The shock of me going has speeded the process from sulk to him realising there is a problem. I’ve not shed a tear and actually had quite a nice evening - I’m seriously considering the suggestions about nicer hotels.
He doesn’t know how to get out of the sulk spiral so if it happens again I’m off to a hotel and just avoiding it.

Does he sulk at work or with friends?

Does he treat family members/work colleagues to the sulk too?

I'm sorry but I think I'd have laughed out loud at the self help books. Remind him he needs to read them as well as the token exhibition of buying them.

Well done! A measured response that looks as if it's going to be effective. It'd be great if the next hotel has a spa and Jacuzzi...

It's just not true. He only does it with you, so he's quite capable of switching it on and off. It's a form of abuse - withholding communication in order to get you to toe the line. You're on egg shells in case you trigger another sulk.

I think removing yourself is exactly the right thing to do. It's taking the air out of his sulk by depriving him of your attention. He likes you grovelling and crying and making a fuss of him. Hence the poor poor ppooooooooorrrr meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Time to look up some plush fancy hotels to have on standby for the next one. He'll soon snap out of it if you're living it up in an expensive hotel every time he sulks!

I'd go straight to the hotel every. single. time.

Yep, leave the sulker and enjoy the break. He needs to grow up.

He's a fool.
Because what happens is that over time you develop contempt for his immature childish ways, and it erodes any love that was there, speaking from experience!

Then one day you will leave and not come back/ask him to leave, and he will say he didn't see it coming, and will bitterly not regret changing his behaviour earlier, but it will be too late.

I like your style!

Other women struggling with their partners should take note of this - it’s basic cause and effect. His sulking used to cause you to pander to him eventually so he got a positive effect. Now it’s causing you to go off and have a lovely evening and he’s left alone so it’s a negative for him.

It will be interesting to see if he can change his behaviour after all, now that he isn’t rewarded for it.

I thought that often, not always, people who sulk or use silence as a weapon, have narcissist tendencies

I don’t understand sulking, I don’t get it, it seems to make the sulker as miserable as the person they are sulking with. And like @saltinesandcoffeecupssays they don’t know why they do it.

leaving for the night definitely had an impact. However, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Packing while in a temper, while pretending to not be in a temper, with work in the morning is actually quite hard. I’m going to have a ‘go bag’ sorted which would be useful for weekends away. I’m looking at hotels in the area so I know what they have - you don’t usually look at hotels near your own home. I’ll set up a little sulk fun fund - so I have the cash stashed somewhere.
I think if I have this all sorted, I’ll be able to navigate issues with a bit less emotion effort, a bit less emotional labour. If I have the knowledge I can just up sticks and go, it will give me a bit more power which will take the wind out his sails. Although, he is promising he is going to try to stop it happening again.

Is it a sulk or is he depressed.

I don't see why you have to leave, send him out of the house until he can control his emotions.

Why should you be inconvenienced by his childishness?

Do what I did, tell him to cheer up or fuck off. It worked. He did it as that was learnt behaviour, his father still does it.

Only he can answer that, and only he has the power to stop sulking like a toddler and grow the hell up, or get medical help for depression

Sounds fair enough to me @sittinginapremierinn I'm glad it put a halt to the spiral and well done for standing your ground. I would hope that he is the one paying into the sulk fund but here's hoping you've shocked him enough to actually get some help and put a stop to this.
I agree for your own mental well being have the cash stashed and an away bag ready to go will really help, given you might need different items depending on if its a work night or not it might be an idea to write a list to place on top of the bag for things that need to be added last minute so you dont end up forgetting anything important

Has he said what you did or what caused him to sulk?

Sometimes we are the worst version of ourselves only in front of the only people we feel truly comfortable with. No-one is perfect. Everyone has personality flaws. As OP says, lots of people have baggage that is learned behaviour from the way their own parents dealt with conflict in the home.

The difficult thing is recognising a basically good person, versus one who is basically a bad person but who manipulates others into thinking they are a perfectly fit human being by displaying fake "good" behaviour.

Depends on the reason for the mood/grumpiness/sulk. People are allowed to feel a bit grumpy now and again and just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone or discuss things till they can work it out of their system. What they can't do is let it go on an and on ruining the atmosphere in the house for the whole family, making others feel uneasy or having to watch what they say, or having their other half feel terrified they're going to leave them or get agressive or whatever.

On the very rare occasions I feel grumpy or moody I'll just take myself off and just naturally be very quiet and not talkative. If DH ,or anyone else, told me cheer up or fuck off if I was feeling like that that would just inflame the situation. Whereas if I'm just left I'll be fine.

I think the best thing to do is exactly what OP has done. Basically treat them like a toddler having a tantrum. Ignore, don't pander or cajole, carry on with your life enjoying yourself. It's THEM who has had the overexaggerated emotional response, not you, so leave them to it and go and have fun.

I mean, if it's happening repeatedly and you always have to watch what you say well then that's different, that's an abusive situation.

Would it work if you just made fun of it, instead of being affected by it? "Oh, sorry, I forgot you were having a sulk! Let me know when you've finished!" or "No point in asking spouse/dad/name at the moment, he's off on a sulk!"

Like I said in my earlier post. Even as a sulker on occasion, I think your method to of going to a hotel is a good one!

@CurlyhairedAssassin

It doesn't matter what the reason is, if you can't discuss something that has angered or bothered you, you really need to reflect of why you cannot express your emotions in a mature way. Sulking should never be an option, it is selfish and abusive.

I am well aware of the difference. A sulk should not be tolerated at all. Of course you can go and cool off in peace. Sulking is when you wont say what is wrong and make a terrible atmosphere.

Good for you. I think removing yourself from the environment that houses the stress is a great way of making you feel better and getting some perspective. Yes, you could have just gone for a walk, but this shows that you have boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. DH needs to work on the sulking, not just acknowledge it then forget about it.