Sitting in a Premier Inn

[sittinginapremierinn]

Was I unreasonable to just walk out - only for the night probably

Married 25 years to a sulker. As they all say, 95% on the time decent bloke, does his share, helped with the kids and dogs. But and it’s a big but every now and then he finds a reason to sulk. He pulls his faces, silent treatment, he’s ‘fine’, creates an atmosphere. I usually try to ignore, try to engage, wait it out etc. When he comes out of it he apologises and says he doesn’t know why he does it.

He’s been sulking all weekend for some misdemeanour I’ve committed, I don’t know what. I’ve lost it, booked a premier inn and walked out. He can sort out the sulk himself. Told the kids (18 and 23) I’m fine I just need a break. Packed a bag will go to work from here tomorrow.

I deserve better than that.

I never understand "the silent treatment". I don't have the patience for emotionally immature people. Every single time he does this, book yourself into a nice hotel, repeat until he gets the message.

You are being unreasonable to go to a Premier Inn, you should have gone somewhere nicer.

But hey have a good day at work and decide whether you need a second night away.

What lesson? That he had one night of no doubt getting a takeaway, kicking back and watching Tv, enjoying bed to himself and then a quiet morning on his own?

this is bizarre. The op will wake up and go home and bugger all will have changed.

My ex used to do this, always for some misdemeanour of mine (i.e. I had not agreed with him about something). I did two things. First, I learned to sulk back i.e. would not accept his overtures when he came out of his sulk. Second, I left him. The second option worked wonders - we had been married for 24 years btw and had two DC.

This is certainly an answer. Though, OP has waited it out in the past and he still does it.

@sittinginapremierinn IMHO it’s how you come out of it that needs to change. When you return, try to avoid all the emotion, apologies, crying etc. I’d be your usual pleasant self but very assertively and calmly say something like:

• It’s unacceptable behaviour and has gone on too long
• You don’t want to live with, or be in an intimate relationship with, someone who does that
• He wouldn’t do it to work colleagues or friends, so he is able to control his behaviour - just chooses not to with you
• His apologies have been worthless as the behaviour repeats
• He’s an adult and is responsible for addressing it, including via therapy to understand why he does it and find a solution
• Check he’s clear what you’ve said.

Then, don’t be drawn into any more discussion about it, change the subject and carry on being pleasant. If he starts crying, walk away and get on with things.

If he wants to discuss what you did to upset him, say you’re happy to hear him and find a solution to that. But that’s separate to the sulking and ask to discuss at a later point.

I’d start planning a life without him in case he still does nothing about it. But hope he does. It’s never too late to address harmful behaviour. We’re all capable of changing at any time. If we want to.

The point of silent treatment is to make the other person suffer, walk around on egg shells, then break and beg for forgiveness/attention/some sort of response. It’s power.
He didn’t want a night alone with a take away, bed to himself and a quiet morning. He wants to use his silent treatment to force the OP to feel awful and upset and beg him to stop, so he can then have his drama and cry and and make her feel worse. It’s all about power and control. He didn’t get to have that last night, because she left.

She did teach him a lesson and she needs to keep teaching it. He doesn’t get what he wants with the silent treatment, he doesn’t get to control her and make her so uncomfortable in her own home that he cries.

You clearly don’t understand coercive control if you think that her leaving was giving him something he wanted; he didn’t want a night to himself.

She still needs to leave him because he’ll keep doing it, but will now up the ante and do more because she is pushing back. But at least while she sorts herself out to leave, she knows she can take this power away from him. And he isn’t getting what he wants.

I could have written this myself 5 years ago. Absolutely word for word. My husband would claim that he couldn’t control it, he was overwhelmed by emotions he couldn’t cope with and he shut down. I am pretty certain that it was totally within his control, that it was done to exert power over me…… mixed with being emotionally stunted and unable to have a mature conversation.

One day I snapped and told him that I just wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. It was unacceptable behaviour, bordering on abusive/controlling behaviour. I told him that every time he did it, it made me love him a tiny bit less and that one day he will have done it one too many times and I wouldn’t love him enough to stay together. I wouldn’t be able to keep coming back from it. I explained fully how upsetting it was and the anxiety/fear I felt when he did it to me, how I couldn’t sleep.

He went to therapy, did CBT to work through his stress and anxiety. And he is loads better at talking about his emotions and verbalising if he is upset with me about something. And we talk it through.

I think you need to draw the same line in the sand with your husband. You just won’t put up with it any longer. You are going to stay at the hotel tonight and he needs to commit to change and getting help…….. or you won’t be coming back.

I hate being around people who sulk. I dated a man like that, never again, it was on my non negotiable list when I met DH.
He needs to try change otherwise he'll get worse with age.

OP, did you say anything to him on your way out, or did you just bugger off?

Either is perfectly reasonable!

i was just wondering if he's texted or tried to call you at all?

My ex was a sulker……..in fact if there was an Olympic category for it he would win gold! I worked out that sulking was his way of not admitting that he was wrong, that his opinion differed to that of others. He lacked the ability to openly discuss and work towards an agreeable resolution…..because in his world that was admitting defeat.

I couldn't stick this I'm afraid, my ex husband used to do it constantly. That's why he's my ex.

I lived with a sulker hes now an ex.

I've been single a 11 years now and no plans to change it.

What lesson? Seriously?

His wife went off for a night away. The OP has NO intention of ending it. He will know that.

I would wager a lot, he ordered a takeaway, cracked open a beer, had a late night, enjoyed bed to himself. And Will crack on ignoring the OP when she returns.

You clearly don’t understand coercive control if you think that her leaving was giving him something he wanted; he didn’t want a night to himself.

The OP has zero intention is leaving him. Afterall remember the OP thinks he is a 'genuinely good guy' (not sure I will trust the OP on that judgement but anyway...). He will know that.

And so what if the OP makes a night away in PI a regular thing, he will know she's returning and just start to enjoy the night to himself, like the OP enjoys her night to herself

Depressing really. Bugger all will change. I bet the children are counting the days until they can move out from this environment

@sittinginapremierinn well done you. Did you hear back from him?

Very OT, but people are mentioning room service. Do any Premier Inns do room service? I have stayed at loads and never seen this. Not even at the new ones. What am I missing?!!

So far he’s following his script - honestly I could write it. Also, many thanks to all of you who have or have had sulking partners and get it.
The script = an email saying he is so sorry, he can’t believe he’s done it again. It’s self pitying, whining. He’s awful, he knows he’s done wrong. Woe! Woe! He’s made everyone miserable and it’s all his fault. That’s one of the reasons I left last night I can not be arsed with the self pitying. He’s sorry, so sorry, he’s the sorriest person in sorry land.

I emailed saying sorry doesn’t count for anything. Not interested in sorry. What - specifically - is he going to do or do I need bother night in my Premier inn?

Email 2. He’s written a list of things he needs to change, he’s bought several self help books off Amazon, he’s going to write down his triggers so if he starts to do it again he can stop himself.
Based on that I’ve agreed to come home tonight. Hmmmmm

You don't sound like you want to go home...

@LaaLaaLadyIt will be tiresome until he gets himself sorted. The issue is, is it worth it waiting till he’s sorted. On the whole over 20+ years the answer is probably yes, at this particular moment in time I’m not sure.

I don’t think either of you are right or wrong.

Sometimes a person just needs a good sulk. I’ve gotten better at recognizing mine and declaring “I’m not fit to be around others” which lets my DH know it’s me that’s the problem and not him. I’d be unimpressed by anyone trying to pull me out of it and really just want to be left alone to wallow until I work it out of my system.

‘At the same time nobody else should be made to suffer because of my sulk. So as I said I remove myself from the situation. You did the right thing by not putting up with it.

Good luck OP. I hope he gets the message now.

That sounds like just the ticket. Enjoy! I cannot abide a sulker.

We get ratty and bicker but generally make up before too long.

Whoops. Just read your latest update. He does sound very contrite 😅. Your description of him being the sorriest person in sorryland made me laugh 😁.

I'm thinking you still need the wine at least...

I'd tell him that, that unless something changes you can't continue like this. Tell him you don't want to hear his sob story anymore, that he makes a change or you'll be making a bigger change. You shouldn't have to live like this? It's exhausting being around so much negativity

but WHY do you go into a big sulk???