Sitting in a Premier Inn

[sittinginapremierinn]

Was I unreasonable to just walk out - only for the night probably

Married 25 years to a sulker. As they all say, 95% on the time decent bloke, does his share, helped with the kids and dogs. But and it’s a big but every now and then he finds a reason to sulk. He pulls his faces, silent treatment, he’s ‘fine’, creates an atmosphere. I usually try to ignore, try to engage, wait it out etc. When he comes out of it he apologises and says he doesn’t know why he does it.

He’s been sulking all weekend for some misdemeanour I’ve committed, I don’t know what. I’ve lost it, booked a premier inn and walked out. He can sort out the sulk himself. Told the kids (18 and 23) I’m fine I just need a break. Packed a bag will go to work from here tomorrow.

I deserve better than that.

My ex started a sulk on the way to a BBQ with mates. I knew I was going to be in for a passive aggressive night with him creating a weird atmosphere around our friends, so I got off the bus, told him to go by himself and went out to Chinatown by myself. He went back home but I didn't go back until late at night. Glorious! He seemed to get the message. Left him for other reasons.

Make sure you don't reply to any messages OP!

And same. I’m sure the kids must have noticed over the years. It totally affected how I feel about my mother, he should think carefully about that.

Messed up the quote, which was another poster talking about how their mum behaved like this!

Good on you! Gah how I can’t stand (some) men and their bloody moods. Sulking or shouty or just plain withdrawn or whatever it is - so many men seem to think that loudly displaying their emotions is just dandy while most of us women feel
responsible for the mood of the room. It’s controlling is what it is.

Perfectly reasonable. You're only taking your cue from his behaviour - he acts like he doesn't want you around, you're not around. Enjoy the break!

What does he sulk about, and does he only do it to you? If so he can control it and choses not to.

Must be shitty being on edge not knowing if or when the next sulk will come, how long it will last, taking care not to do anything to "provoke" one and then all that performance afterwards. On repeat. Utterly draining.

Don't have that conversation agaiorwhen you get back, or mop up tears. Just say you've heard it all before, don't want to be insulted further by hearing it all again and he needs to get his act together and stop this abusive behaviour.

Had a big dessert.

OP, I think you deserve better than a Premier Inn. Was there nothing with a pool/spa/bar available?

Rather than 3 nights spread across a year in a PI, maybe just do a second night this time, and if he doesn’t grovel, make it three nights before you go back and pack a bigger bag and leave it by the front door.

Oh, obviously, I meant pack the bigger bag with his things 😉

Time to put your foot down and tell him the next time he sulks, he'll be the one leaving permanently.

Hope your kids don't carry this behaviour or acceptance of it into their marriages when the time comes.

I was married to one of these - they don't improve,

Now I'm divorced and someone else is putting up with it !

Sometimes people just need to withdraw and need some distance-a couple of the ones I know were eventually diagnosed with either AuDHD I think (not very close to one of them, and it might have been ADHD), another said she was a introvert anyway and just needed to withdraw at times, but was fine otherwise. I used to think how people reacted was my fault, but sometimes just letting them be works best (and maybe getting help from a professional); if they're a good person most of the time, but sometimes they "just can't", I don't take it personally.

I’m hoping by the time I get back tomorrow evening he’s at the realising stage and I’ve not had to go through the drama.

id text hi tomorrow after leaving work

is the sulking finished yet?

I’m hoping by the time I get back tomorrow evening he’s at the realising stage and I’ve not had to go through the drama

I think it would be a very good idea if, when he does apologise, you told him that an apology doesn’t mean anything anymore and you’re rapidly getting to the stage where you no longer care if he’s sorry or not. And then walk into a different room. Let him be concerned about your reactions for a change.

He doesn’t know why he does it? I bet he doesn’t pull the sulking trick with his boss or his friends though does he? So he can control it - just chooses to make you suffer. Stay put and let him stew.

YANBU. Next time make it a 4 star. The time after that a mini break at a spa.

Sulking and this behavior around it is a form of domestic abuse

He is emotionally abusive and controlling. Why do you stay with him OP?

I've been here.

He's lovely most of the time and he was.
Other times he wouldn't speak to me, sometimes for days.
One time we had a row and I got into bed once he was asleep - when he woke up he shouted at me for not sleeping in the spare room.
He was lovely most of the time.
We went on holiday with his parents, many times, one morning he went out to get the breakfast and had lined up a shag during the time he was away. He didn't go through with it.
Cos he was lovely most of the time.
Once I made him so angry he hit me, but I had made him angry.
He was lovely most of the time.
On many occasions we would arrange to go out with friends and he would get annoyed about something, so we would be late or not go at all and I had to tell some tale, make up an excuse.
He sprung buying 'commitment' rings on me - in a little jewellery shop while on holiday where his parents live. The next day his father rings to say how upset his mother is and he goes to see them by himself. He comes back with his mother in the car and says not to mention the rings or any wedding.
We go to the local registry office and have the interviews to get married. Then it is dropped, not spoken about again.
He was lovely most of the time.

And when I decided to leave - moved into the spare room, he got all of our friends on side. I would come back from work and look up at our flat and force myself to go in, not knowing how his mood would be.
He told me he was bringing a 'shag' back to our flat and could I be out between certain times.
He was lovely most of the time.
And on the morning I moved out - said I didn't know what to do - he said I'd had time to think about it, and then went to his gym session.
but he was lovely most of the time.

sorry put this reply in wrong place

Six months, utter silence, was the maximum I put up with, for getting rid of purple and orange paint in the main bedroom of our new house, which had clearly been painted at night, by a blind dog, using a psychopathic mole as creative director, to a beautifully curated Little Green Slaked Lime, Homes and Gardens centrefold.

Reader I divorced him.

Sadly, I took 20 more years to do it, as I stayed for the children. It is now clear to me, and the children, that I was the idiot.

It's hard to know how bad it is. I think all of us have the odd "I vant to be alone" moody moments. DH can be like that now and again, as can I when he's pissing me off. It happened last week when we were on a cruise of all places. He was being short with me for no particular reason and told me I was getting on his nerves with all the questions I was asking him (he wasn't feeling very well though admittedly), so I thought "ah feck it, you grumpy bastard, I'm on holiday and i'm here to enjoy it not have my mood brought down by you" so I calmly told him I was going out on my own and left him in the cabin. I had a lovely time out on the top deck walking around in the sun and sea air. I stayed out there for a good while and felt great afterwards.

When I went back to the cabin he asked me where he'd been and I told him. He seemed in a bit better mood so I assumed he'd had a bit of a snooze and felt a bit better. Was clearly a bit less grumpy as was being nice and interested then and we were back to normal. He's not an apologiser, and will never change. His dad is the same. His mum and dad are still together and they have clearly got used to giving each other a wide berth when the other is being a prick and accept the way it is.

I feel like DH and I are going the same way. I used to feel resentful when I was younger but I don't anymore. I just accept that he can be a div sometimes and I'm sure he feels the same about me at times too when I'm being a div. I joke to myself that I my menopause is to blame and his manopause is.😆

I hope you work it out, OP. I think you can just enjoy the space. It might give him food for thought. You can go back and tell him how much you enjoyed the peace and quiet and lack of sulky atmosphere.

I'd book a second night.
Give him time to get over himself and realise this can't continue.

This was what I was trying to say, thanks.