Sitting in a Premier Inn

[sittinginapremierinn]

Was I unreasonable to just walk out - only for the night probably

Married 25 years to a sulker. As they all say, 95% on the time decent bloke, does his share, helped with the kids and dogs. But and it’s a big but every now and then he finds a reason to sulk. He pulls his faces, silent treatment, he’s ‘fine’, creates an atmosphere. I usually try to ignore, try to engage, wait it out etc. When he comes out of it he apologises and says he doesn’t know why he does it.

He’s been sulking all weekend for some misdemeanour I’ve committed, I don’t know what. I’ve lost it, booked a premier inn and walked out. He can sort out the sulk himself. Told the kids (18 and 23) I’m fine I just need a break. Packed a bag will go to work from here tomorrow.

I deserve better than that.

You are right and he is very unreasonable.
Sulking is to be left in childhood. It is not for a relationship between equals!

Enjoy your stay and relax.

Demand an apology and then return making it clear that you enjoyed your time out .

Plan an even better break for next time - something you can look forward to.

His sulking should not be a punishment for you.

Excellent thing to do. Sometimes even the good guys need to be reminded how much you do and how much they owe you.

I've been married 40 years. We have a little seaside flat about 50 miles from our home. Since I retired 8 years ago I've built up from spending 2/4 days a month there with DH to spending an additional 10/12 days there on my own because DH is still working.

I love the peace and quiet, walks on the beach, only space to keep clean and not having to cook. I'm perfectly happy to eat fruit, salad, yogurt and eggs every day.

It wasn't my intention when this pattern developed but after or years DH has suddenly realised that the house needs cleaning, food needs to be bought and cooked, laundry needs to be done, dishwashers don't empty themselves. It's been amazing. A total reset for our relationship.

An apology without a change in behaviour is just manipulation by another name

Go for it.

@sittinginapremierinn Good for you for distancing yourself.

I do think, though, that now your kids are old enough you shouldn't be shielding them but telling them exactly why you are staying away from your husband, perhaps they'll understand.

Excellent thing to do. Sometimes even the good guys need to be reminded how much you do and how much they owe you.

I've been married 40 years. We have a little seaside flat about 50 miles from our home. Since I retired 8 years ago I've built up from spending 2/4 days a month there with DH to spending an additional 10/12 days there on my own because DH is still working.

I love the peace and quiet, walks on the beach, only a small space to keep clean and not having to cook. I'm perfectly happy to eat fruit, salad, yogurt and eggs every day.

It wasn't my intention when this pattern developed but after all these years DH has suddenly realised that the house needs cleaning, food needs to be bought and cooked, laundry needs to be done, dishwashers don't empty themselves. It's been amazing. A total reset for our relationship.

My mum behaved like this. It was more damaging than anything else in my shitty childhood. I resent it so much and I am in my fifties. I hope your kids aren’t being damaged by this.

Sorry just to add, good for you. Think about what you want to do in the long run. You deserve better.

Not that it's your problem OP but he needs to learn techniques to manage his feelings. Rather than sulk and not talk to anyone, he needs to take himself off to reflect, maybe write it all down, off load to himself, take a big breath and come back - after a reasonable time, not talking hours here.
In the meantime, enjoy your takeaway, wine and freeview. Well done you for taking a stand.

DH used to do this, and like you, I reacted. So one day, I just stopped. Completely ignored his cat bum face, sighs. Just carried on regardless. It seriously took the wind out of his sails and he kept looking at me as if to say what's going on. Didn't address it at all, not even when he'd come out of it. No sarcastic "oh you're talking no", nothing. It really did put a stop to it.

Don't go back and talk about it. Ignore it. Act as if it's perfectly normal. Because if you give him any reaction at all, he wins.

Same.

He’s not ‘genuinely great’, though, is he, doing this multiple times a year like a complete arsehole. Why should you have to leave your home? Why doesn’t he fuck pff and sulk alone elsewhere? All respect to you, tho, for getting a take away/bath stuff/wine. Go, girl! I would, however, massively query what the dc think. Kids aren’t stupid so if he’s done this thorough out your marriage, I guarantee they knew and have been affected. Behaviour is cyclical: do either of them behave similarly?

I suspect they may have noticed more than you think - children tend to. In any event, it's probably time at the very least to let them know that sulking in an adult is, quite simply, pathetic and unacceptable. Otherwise they will end up copying him, and their respective partners may well be less forbearing.

You say you think he does this to control you and to force you to think you need him.

If you told him that his behaviour was demonstrating to you that you really didn’t need him, and that if he did it again you would leave permanently, how would he react?

I've got a male colleague sulking with me at the moment. It's pathetic and I'm just ignoring it. I've nothing to apologise for. I do wonder if he behaves like that with his family. Sulking is abusive behaviour. Enjoy a lovely night's sleep on one of the comfy beds they have in PI.

It might be time to pack a bag for HIM, you mean? As the sulker, he should be the one to leave.

Sulking to punish you and deigning to end the discipline when you've shown enough emotion is awful. He needs therapy to deal with his inability to deal with emotion and punishing his family. You could too to come up with coping strategies and a plan for your own emotional well being.

"Let him".

Sulking is punishment. Not knowing what is going to set him off and living in limbo for when it happens is no way to live.

When I first moved in with my other half we had very different styles. At home, we shouted and got over things. Ohs parents still have a few weeks each year when they don't speak to one another.

DH stopped speaking to me twice, for two weeks. At the end of the time he had buried it all and was ready to move on. I was furious. I said no more. If it happened again I would leave. They can chose to behave like that and stop speaking. I can chose how to finish the row, or if I even want to.

Enjoy a few days without the big sulk.. nice wine food lovely bubbly bath... just leave him to his mood .
Tell him maybe we need space in the future see what his reaction is to that .
Stop doing this or it's only going one way .

Enjoy your time out OP!

Good for you, OP.
I think you should explain it to the kids though.

This
my ex did the same constantly
narcissistic toxic behaviour

God that sounds fabulous. And peace and quiet too.

You are not U, stonewalling is abuse.

It sounds bloody wonderful O.P and I can't tell you how many times I have nearly done the same. Enjoy every minute of your evening. Enjoy your wine, peace and quiet and dinner! X