DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

CMS isn’t through court. Just gives her money for DSD, although unsure what she does with it as DSD is with us a lot more. She recently asked him to be guarantor on her and her DPs house. He said no.

After I asked that, OP has posted this, so yeah it’s not through the government body. I can see how it can be misinterpreted though sometimes. I just figured it out by the context in this instance.

As yet ?

That does not change when the other parent gets married.
There are still only two people with parental responsibility in normal circumstances, mummy and daddy.

Yes their relationship starts and ends with "mummy and daddy". The woman is acting like DP is her partner or something when he is not

I've been there with a situation like this and it can be a nightmare. If roles were reversed and it was a man phoning his ex all the time and ignoring her requests to only phone in emergencies, phoning late at night etc some of the responses would be very different on here.

First and only post on here I think. Some posters are hellbent on painting me as an evil stepmother who sees DPs daughter’s (can’t even say DSD) mother as a “sex robot” and questioning about why I am getting involved, there’s no partnership (I am “just” girlfriend) and that if me and DP marry and have children all that will happen is “add a half sibling”.

I asked about implementing boundaries, and some people have given really good advice that we have followed thank you.

Are you always this petty and spiteful?

Making a point to the OP that her partner is her boyfriend? grow up.

And whether you like it or not, the term DSD will apply here if the OP and her partner stay together. Or do you think that the OP should refer to her as “my boyfriend’s child”?

DSD is a term which blended families use, regardless of whether there’s a wedding ring involved. Marriage in that instance is just semantics.

My DC refer to both my and my ex’s partners as their stepmum/stepdad, and to other people not just to us. Even though they see very little of ex’s partner and in fact don’t get on that well, she’s still their stepmum in their eyes, but they’re more mature than to be petty enough to call her “dad’s girlfriend” or my DP (who I don’t live with but have been with for twelve years) “mum’s boyfriend.

Stepmum/stepdad has come about through their choosing, and interestingly any friends they have whose parents have other relationships do the same.

There are many many millions of human beings on this planet
Some of which I’ve slept with
Not seeking a human connection with any of them.

Im baffled what you people are failing to understand here.

Whether she slept with him or not , when and how many times, is a complete irrelevance- is the point I was making .

What matters is that right now they share a 4 yr old child. Thats it.

The fact that you are all so fixated on how many times they had sex is the issue. Even in her latest post OP is still banging on about her being a ONS.

You just need to get on with your life, with the knowledge that she'll be around for a while. Try not to let her behaviour affect you. It's down to your boyfriend to manage her behaviour or more importantly, his he responds to it.

Be prepared for hey behaviour to ramp up after you get married and have a baby.

Her having his sisters and mum's contact number, make it seem like she was more than a ONS.

Eh? No. This has nothing to do with me , or me being insecure about my situation 😂.

I was simply highlighting my experience to illustrate the point that having an interest in your coparent (including as a human) is completely legitimate - regardless of whether you have had a sexual/ romantic past- it’s a natural consequence of having children together. People are dehumanising and objectifying this women as a human and as a mother - calling her irrelevant and deranged - because she was no more than a ONS. Thats just misogyny. I’m insecure about misogyny wherever I see it because I’m a woman and a feminist.

Of Course OP’s DP has the right to set boundaries , and she shouldn’t be calling him in the night. But this woman is not irrelevant and a nothing human to him. She is the mother of his child. The fact that they had a ONS has nothing to do with anything. And OP and other pp’s should stop banging on about it.

And what the majority of people are telling you is that the fact that it’s a one night stand is entirely relevant.
He didn’t love her, He doesn’t love her and he is not available to her
He’s available to their child.

Jesus Christ, the responses on this thread are more batshit than many I’ve seen on MN. In fact I expect this thread to come up one day on one of those “what’s the most batshit response to a thread you’ve ever seen” threads.

Firstly, what’s with the obsession over the OP’s partner paying maintenance even though he has 50/50? How have we reached a point where people are actively saying that the OP’s DP shouldn’t be paying maintenance? I can only assume that these posters are either men, second wives who resent the DSC, or women whose ex’s don’t pay maintenance and so they’re resentful.

Newsflash, there are men who do pay maintenance in order to provide for their children in their mother’s home. My ex did, and we didn’t go to court for that either. And when the 50/50 arrangement broke down, we didn’t have to quibble about money because it was already in place.

Secondly, anyone who would be happy with an ex ringing their partner at 1 AM, asking him to go guarantor on a house, calling multiple times a day with trivial stuf like the OP’s dp’s ex is is lying. And if this was a woman posting that her ex was doing so the responses would be vastly different.

The man had a one night stand. He became a father out of that one night stand and has a relationship with his child.

He needs to have a decent co parenting relationship with the child’s mother, but that absolutely does not stretch to taking 1 AM phone calls about trivialities or going guarantor on a house. Who the fuck does she think she is?

And for the poster saying that maybe he’s afraid to rock the boat in case it has a detrimental impact on his relationship with DD, way to use a child as a weapon. Well done.

And what the majority of people are telling you is that the fact that it’s a one night stand is entirely relevant.

yeh I get that’s what people are saying. because of misogyny. People’s analysis of the situation is sadly entirely shaped by patriarchy.

The realty is that OP’s partner and this woman share a child. Whether they shagged once or 50,000 times changes nothing about that situation.

So what do you call a woman who has a one night stand, falls pregnant and decides not to involve the father at all because it was just a one night stand?

Go and look up the term misogynist. Because people throw that around as an insult in order to counter anything they don’t like about someone.

A one night stand is irrelevant. What is relevant is the child. The end.

I added the "as yet" as OP just can't seem to accept that the DC isn't her DSC no matter how much she does for her.

So you’re suggesting that I should have the same emotional obligation to somebody that I fucked five years ago once as somebody that’s in my life and important to me and I love. I have that same social contract with them do I?
my life is about to get complicated then 🤣🤣🤣

@never2many agree apart from the last point. I dont think that's the definition of using your child as a weapon.

NO! I’m saying a person’s relationship to their co-parent is not a simple derivative of how many times they had sex.

What matters is that they share a child.

Fucking history is entirely irrelevant but you seem to be obsessed with it 🫣.

Surely it’s obvious that the advice to the OO should be, tell your DP it bothers you.
She already has.
Tell him he needs to manage it better.
She already has.
He’s decided how to manage it, so now she just needs to decide if she can put up with it how it is. She has no say over the child’s mother, and not really much say over how her DP handles it - he’s four years down the road with this woman.

OP can only decide if she stays or goes.

I certainly do base how much Emotional attachment all apply to somebody based on the number of times we’ve had sex if it’s under five, yes.
That wouldn’t change, whether the fuck ended with me getting my period or getting a baby.

What seems absolutely incredulous to me Is this woman doesn’t actually even know if he is somebody she ought to be leading on emotionally.
She knows nothing about him.

Due to the fact that she was a one night stand.

You do realise that sex isn’t the only thing that defines a relationship or an emotional attachment right?

There are all kinds of people in my life who I’ve never had sex with.
(including my co-parent lol).

Anyway I think we’ve been talking at cross purposes for quite some time now, so may be time to agree to disagree.

The fact she asked your DP to guarantee her rent/mortgage for her and her DP just show how much she lacks self awareness and sense.

it’s a matter of opinion.

If the mother decided to restrict access to the child based on his telling her not to call him at 1 AM or refusing to stand guarantor on her house that is the very definition of using a child as a weapon.

Can you imagine the thread? “I had a one ight stand five years ago and we have a child together. Me and the child’s father have 50/50 access. I feel I should be able to lean on him, so I ring him regularly to discuss my problems, sometimes at 1 AM. I also am about to buy a house and have asked him to stand guarantor. He has said no, and has asked me not to call him all the time and especially in the middle of the night. I don’t feel that he is being a decent co parent. AIBU to stop contact?”

Yes absolutely that's using your child as a weapon.

Someone not wanting to rock the boat with an ex in case its affects his relationship with his child isnt using his child as a weapon.

Are you always this petty and spiteful?
Making a point to the OP that her partner is her boyfriend? grow up.

Nothing petty or spiteful...it's a fact.
That's exactly what her partner is, her boyfriend...so no need for me to grow up.

I really don't see why OP or anyone has a problem when its pointed out that they're making themselves out to be something they're not, then accuse others of being spitefulful and petty.

OP is happy to slate the mother of his DC off for stating something that isn't correct yet doing the very same herself.

And whether you like it or not, the term DSD will apply here if the OP and her partner stay together. Or do you think that the OP should refer to her as “my boyfriend’s child”?

Again, yes, another fact, as that's exactly who the DC is, the OP's boyfriends child.
What's so hard to understand in that?

DSD is a term which blended families use, regardless of whether there’s a wedding ring involved. Marriage in that instance is just semantics.

It may well be a term used, but reality is, whether you like it or not, unless there's a marriage those people that parents of DC become involved with and subsequently spilt are just that, people passing through a DC life along they way.

If OP's DB feels he's being harassed he could easily put a stop to this by going through the courts...if he so wishes.