DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

@Blessthismess2

You seem to think you know some “magic words” and if you repeat them often enough it will make you right. That is not how it works you have to make a coherent argument. Repeating “misogyny” and “patriarchy” are not magic solutions for your lack of consistency in your position.

You must be a very entitled person in real life to not see how entitled this women is. Normal people know that other people owe you nothing beyond the bare legal minimum. If you want functional human relationships you have to go out find those people and be worthy of a positive relationship. If you behave badly towards people you will not find many healthy relationships. You don’t get to emotionally dump on someone one else because you feel like it. You need to have fostered the friendship where the person wants to listen to you.

The reason this being a ONS matters is there was no agreement between them to have a child, no relationship that subsequently broke down, this was an accident and she chose to keep the child. He wants to fulfil his obligations to the child. He has no obligation to her. Just as she has no obligation to him if he gets upset.

You seem fixated on the ONS as if it make her a “sex robot” but as they both knew it was a ONS then was she treating him as a sex robot? Was she reducing him to his sexuality? Or does you logic only run one way? (OK, we have all see that it does).

You want him to hold obligations that only exist in your head.

“You do realise that sex isn’t the only thing that defines a relationship or an emotional attachment right?”

How do you not see you are arguing against yourself. The only connection was the sex they had and the consequence of a child. They weren’t friends, a couple or married no ongoing emotional bond at all. You have a gay friend who agreed to be a sperm donor for you is not relevant to this, as he chose to be involved with you.

Do you think she would try to withhold SD if your partner shut down her attempts to try to make their relationship more than co-parents? It sounds like the two of you have his daughter more than her mom at her request.

If she did try that, your partner could go to court and work out a set schedule. That might work out better in the long run.

@Styker it doesn’t matter if it’s through court! Making a woman go to the child maintenance service to ensure a man pays towards his child is disgusting.

@surethingmaybe do you not understand that he should have paid for his child without her having to go through that channel? I’m not sure your DP is as decent as you think he is

OP, it seems that a lot of posters on here are very subjective about the child's DM. It seems you have touched a nerve among those who might be in a similar position to her, and don't seem able to see straight about your situation.
In your shoes i would be so put out by the intrusiveness - how dare she ask if you are at home, in your own home, or where your holiday is, and above all have anything to say about whether you have children - the cheeky cow! And as for your DP ignoring what she does - if he took any of the five phone calls in one evening, then he is not ignoring it. He needs to be a lot more decisive and have your back as a couple. It seems she could be trying to disrupt your relationship.

@Yuapp no, you’ve misunderstood me . What I am saying is - based on my understanding - the child support is an arrangement they decided on themselves and it’s NOT been organised through court / child maintenance services (ie. The government body) . Hence I stated “it’s not through the government body”

Again, Op said this : CMS isn’t through court. Just gives her money for DSD, although unsure what she does with it as DSD is with us a lot more. She recently asked him to be guarantor on her and her DPs house. He said no.

I could be wrong but “Just gives her money” as well as other things Op has said suggests it’s something they figured out themselves.

Could you please clarify @surethingmaybe ?

Yeah this is my understanding of it too.

Hi OP,

obviously calling over and over and late at night isn’t ok, but from what you have said, it really sounds as though she is struggling. Despite it being right that they have 50/50 custody, as a mum this can be really difficult, every day something new and or scary can happen, there is no guidebook, and some cope better than others.

I have health anxiety, and even now with a 12 year old (separated 9 years) I have to talk myself down from calling dad if something is wrong, nobody shares your love and fears for your child like the other parent.

perhaps she would like a more involved co-parenting relationship, if this was a one night stand, even more to be anxious about as she really doesn’t know the father, won’t know his thoughts or behaviours in different situations, I was with my sons dad 13 years, and so I feel safe having him as a co-parent, it’s would be so hard not to have that.

i get that it’s probably annoying and feels all about setting boundaries but you might find a bit of kindness gets you a lot further towards what you want.

Probably best that your partner just responds to her text when he gets them so it doesn't escalate but with a to the point curt reply. If it's just nonsense he should also text that in his reply. The getting the kid to sleep over the phone is utter bollocks quite frankly. He should be telling her straight that's not on and is pure manipulation on her part. He needs to turn the phone off at bed time.

You're right to be annoyed,only communication is about his daughter and not at ridiculous hours and should not be involving his family when he dosent answer,if he's having her more than 50% and paying maintenance fair play..glad yo see he's a good decent man but he dosent need all the added extra,as you say she has a partner,unless the DD is sick or visiting needs changing,quick text at a reasonable time and wait for his reply then that's it,all her added attention is not warranted..ignore it for now but if it keeps going he needs to have a word with her and just say,I'll answer when I can,don't text at stupid times and when not emergency..these women saying she's lonely are ridiculous..she needs to get a hobby then or a job if she hasn't one..or text her DP

Try mediation or failing that get the court to set acceptable boundaries.
If he has her 50 percent of the time surely his Maintenance Payments should be reduced? or go for private agreement (in writing also)
Exes will always use the child as a bargaining chip and threaten to stop access. Had it for 25 years.

OP has stated earlier that when he refused to enter a relationship with DSDs mum, she took him to court for full custody, presumably as retaliation or to try and force a relationship so he could still see his child. Thats how he got 50/50.

The mum sounds obsessed.

I understand your points, and yes she does sound a little "needy" but trust me on this one, having a baby with someone whether in a relationship or a ONS creates a bond, you share a child you have a little piece of them with you, you will understand this as you have your own children.

Follow your DP lead on this, cut her a little slack she may feel a little insecure knowing you are to marry and have children of your own.

Good luck

Obsessed with somebody that she doesn’t even know this is what I find the most remarkable
He could be an awful awful person, she’s got no idea.

Yeah agreed. Although he sounds like a stand-up guy given he does more than 50/50 and still pays the kids mother money in support as he’s a high earner, voluntarily.

Every word here.

There is no obligation nor ongoing duty of care to a ONS partner.

There is one to the resulting child.

Sounds like she was hoping and continues to hope that having a child with him would force a relationship.

And is struggling to accept that is not the case and a ONS has remained a ONS.

Maybe it wasn't just a ONS.

Good advice x

It’s up to your DP. It’s got ziltch to do with you.

This is nothing to do with you. Stay out of it. It’s for your DP to handle

I am not going to make up alternative scenarios.

I'm not asking you to. I'm merely suggesting it's a possibility which could explain somewhat the child's mothers behaviour.

If you say that the ONS bit could be a lie and that actually there was more of a relationship which would explain the mums behaviour, would you agree that, if indeed it was a one night stand, the mother’s behaviour is unreasonable?

Just throwing this in here because I happened to learn about it yesterday, googling Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria might make for interesting reading OP.