DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

@Styker in that case I don’t think CMS would even be mentioned.

@surethingmaybe I presume your DP’s ex has had to ask CMS to get him to pay?

OP has already clarified it isn’t through CMS and is just an agreement between her DP and DSD’s mum

Her expectations are unreasonable, have you read the tread?

This behaviour will continue of you feed it. Solid boundaries and perhaps referring her to services that can help her get her life in order should be the limit. This sounds like someone who sucks people in to their chaos. If this was a man doing it people would instantly recognise it.

Both man and women can be dysfunctional people both need to be treated appropriately.

Should he treat her like a human who is significant in his life? Yes. Because she is a human and she is significant in his life because they share a child. There is nothing “loose” about that connection- is as permanent and fundamental as they come.

The connection can get looser as the child gets older. Once DSD is old enough her father can speak directly to her rather her mother. DH's ex used to call him but because they were adults he could let it go to voicemail and then decide if it was worth calling her back.

Yes that’s true it can definitely loosen the older the child gets . Currently this child is 4

I know, that's why I said as the child gets older.

Regardless, the kid's mother is taking the piss. Rather than telling her to stop calling he needs to turn his phone down especially at night. He's the father of her child, not there to support her and certainly not there to be a guarantor!

@Blessthismess2

“They are not in a romantic relationship, but they are bound together by their child and that means working together, and , yes, taking care of each other, like any family .”

No, you do not have an obligation to take care of someone you share a child with. You may choose to in the interests of your child, but that can only be a choice. There is a reason we call it child maintenance, because it is for the benefit of the child.

“Is she weird, inexplicable or deranged for seeking a human connection/ dialogue with her co-parent/ the father of her child? Of course not. The suggestion that she is , is completely dehumanising and explained by misogyny.”

It is weird to “seek human connection” with someone you slept with 5 years ago discussing your relationship and their relationship where they have given you no indication of wanting to be dragged in to your life. Wanting to discuss your child and their best interest is normal, discussing your DP cheating at 1am and asking them to be a guarantor for you is very odd.

“Also definition of a family= group of people who are related to each other.”

But they have a common relation and are not related to each other. They are each related to the child. If “relative of a relative” as the standard “family” looses all meaning. My nephews and nieces have uncles and aunts I have no genetic connection to and I have not even met. By your standard they are my family.

The behaviour of the child mother shows remarkable entitlement, and you seem to share that worldview. If this were a man calling a woman he slept with once 5 years ago and share as child with at 1am you would not be saying “he is family, she should be taking care of him” you would like most people be suggesting taking more solid action to stop the unreasonable behaviour.

There is nothing misogynistic in believing women should be held to the same moral standard as men. Perhaps consider that your view of women as in some way of lacking the ability to take responsibility is the issue here.

There is nothing misogynistic in believing women should be held to the same moral standard as men

hilarious.

Of course mother is not weird to be interested in having a human connection with the father of her four year old. (Who she slept with , how many times and when , has nothing to do with anything- women are people, not sex robots programmed by / reduced to our sexuality ). The fact that you think it’s weird is dehumanising and misogynistic.

For what it’s worth I share children with a man I was never romantically involved with. (He’s gay). We have strong boundaries in place and don’t call each other in the middle of the night. We aren’t each others emotional crutch. But we are connected, - we are absolutely family. He would 100% be there for me if I needed him - practically, emotionally, whatever- and vice versa and I’m extremely interested in having a human connection with him , and in his wellbeing, and health. We also cooperate financially. Nothing weird , odd, deranged, creepy about any of this at all. Totally normal. Why? Because we share the most important people in the world to us and have the most fundamental of experiences in common - parenting our dependent children.

Presumably when you had sex or whatever you did to produce these two children with the gay man.
You’ve had a conversation with him and ascertained that he was firstly a gay man, there would be no romantic relationship.

And secondly, the boundaries and the remit of the relationship with the produced children.

These two people have done none of those things. One of them has plunged the other one into unauthorised parenthood for one of a better description.
It’s like comparing Apple with pears

Of course mother is not weird to be interested in having a human connection with the father of her four year old. (Who she slept with , how many times and when has nothing to do with anything- women are people, not sex robots). The fact that you think it’s weird is dehumanising and misogynistic.

Can't you see that there's a huge difference between a one night stand and two people who've had a relationship? It is weird to expect this measure of emotional and financial support from someone you've never had any kind of relationship with. Even then discussing a new partner or asking them to be a guarantor wouldn't be normal in many relationships.

Can't you see that there's a huge difference between a one night stand and two people who've had a relationship?

Yes?

like there are differences between Greeks and Romans?

And?

the emotional and financial interest in this case is established by the fact that they share a dependent child- like with me and my coparent. It’s irrelevant that we have never had a past romantic relationship.

has he not heard of DND.

the reality is he can't force her behaviour just the way he manages it.

he has told her. he should keep telling her.

he should actually just have a seperate number for her and set up an auto text for every time she calls saying can you please text i am currently unavailable.

she clearly needs to be managed, but don't talk to her yourself.

He seems to have a system for her, ignoring and managing is always best with this type of person

It’s irrelevant to the child that they’ve never had a romantic relationship

It is not irrelevant to the adults that they’ve never had a romantic relationship.

You're happy with financial and emotional interest, that's fine. OP's DP isn't and that's also fine. If one party doesn't want it there is no need for it beyond ensuring the child is looked after. He has the child more than 50/50 and also pays maintenance so he appears to be doing everything right. He doesn't owe the woman any more than that.

I agree that OP’s DP is entitled to set boundaries for himself. Absolutely.

What I’m objecting to is people calling the mum deranged, weird, etc, on the basis that she is irrelevant and disposable because she was just a ONS. That’s the misogynistic, dehumanising part.

People are calling her deranged based on her behaviour.

Not quite. people are going further.
For example a few posts ago:

It is weird to “seek human connection” with someone you slept with 5 years ago….

Is my coparent weird for seeking a human connection with me because we never had a romantic relationship? Of course not. I’m the mother of his children.

Once you take the co-parenting context out of the patriarchal , heteronormative lens through which most people are viewing it

• whereby a woman’s, a mother’s, worth/ value/ humanity is quite simply determined by how sexually disposable she was to a man who once slept with her -

you can see how it’s actually perfectly human , normal and valid to have concern for , and connection to , the parent of your child- as an actual human in their own right (and not just a mothering object) because that is what they in fact are- a human.

There are many many millions of human beings on this planet
Some of which I’ve slept with
Not seeking a human connection with any of them.
people were probably clumsy making the point, She has no more right to his time than anybody else on the peripheral of his life.

Anyway, all custard because the comparisons that you’ve tried to make awesome Simply not the same. I’m not in this situation and I never would be thank goodness. People create far too much mess for little children to have to navigate

Double standards? Hilarious. I provide a more consistent and stable presence in DSDs life that her actual mother. If we were to get married she would magically transform into my DSD would she? Of course not. Whether you like it or not I have a parental role in her life.

It doesn’t change the fact that the mum is claiming a relationship with DP (not boyfriend, I’m not a teenager) when they had a one night stand. It’s rewriting history.

it might be jumping the gun to call Dsd my dsd (in the legal sense) but that is likely to become fact soon enough as marriage has been discussed. In no way is it correct to say ex partner when there was no relationship whatsoever. He is DSDs dad - the school doesn’t need to know how she was conceived.

Ah, I see your response is nothing to do with OP but your own situation.

You appear to be unable to see the difference. Presumably the gay man who fathered your child had a conversation with you in advance and you agreed on certain things? Therefore you have a basis for this, if you agreed a certain level of support then that is fine for you. If you (and he) want to offer more than you originally agreed that is also fine.

What would not be fine is imposing upon others what they have not agreed to. You have no right to impose on others. You appear to be insecure about your personal arrangement and looking to address that by justifying this woman being unreasonable.

I notice you striped my comment of context. There is noting wrong with just “seeking a connection” if you approach the situation once and then accept the rejection if you get it. However, you are not entitled to it. All you are entitled to is a cold disinterested exchange of information and discussion of DC’s needs. It is better to have more, but you have to earn it. She sought a relationship with this man and he rejected it. She seeks to involve him in her romantic life, he rejects that. She seeks to insert herself in to his new relationship, he rejects that. She has to learn to take rejection. If she behaved appropriately she may then receive a better co-parent relationship, but she behaving entitled and therefore making it worse.

“women are people, not sex robots programmed by / reduced to our sexuality”

And no one is treating her as a sex robot. Neither OP or her DP are having sex with her (which is what I assume a sex robot is for). If you have sex with someone you do not own them. No one is entitled to others emotional support because you had sex year ago. She is being treated like an adult, so when she behaves in appropriately people back away and avoid contact. I note you avoid the obvious counter factual, if this was a man you would neo accuse her of “using him like a human dildo” or similar. You would recognise that no entitlement should exist.

@surethingmaybe How can you be certain that it was a ONS?

Stop wasting your time with people like this, the important thing now is to have an open conversation with your DP, firstly see if he agrees that her behaviour is inappropriate and affecting your relationship then move on to how to handle it. Yes he will be the main person dealing with her but you both need to aligned and happy on how to deal with her.

He needs to make it very clear to her that he is there to support her as far as it concerns DD, and there has to be ground rules when it comes to messaging, unless it's urgent she does not clam at midnight or any ungodly hour and he will respond to her messages when he is ready, she does not get to badger him for a response in 10 minutes and he has nothing to do with her current relationship so she shouldn't be discussing it with him

Is he still refusing to address the issue with her?

And if he is unwilling to deal with it or sticking to the "just ignore her" approach I would seriously consider continuing the relationship, I can assure you that she will only get worse when you get married and then have kids which will most likely trigger something in her.

There are 51% males and 49% females
Surely it would be better to choose somebody slightly less attractive, perhaps earning 10 grand less, than one of these people trying to have a second bite of the Cherry when they’ve already created a circus of a life for themselves

Exactly!I’ve been saying consistently all through this thread Op needs to rethink this. Even women (or men) who start off okay with the ex/previous partner or stepchild often (not always) find things change somewhere along the way for the worse.

This situation is particularly concerning because it’s off to a bad start from the get go.

Op isn’t tied by marriage or a child yet. She has a better chance of leaving now if it’s too much for her.

If we were to get married she would magically transform into my DSD would she? Of course not. Whether you like it or not I have a parental role in her life.*

No she wouldn't magically transform into anything....by marriage she'd become your DSD yes...until then you're just his DD's girlfriend....and no, that doesn't make you have a parental roll in her life any more than an aunt or GM , you may do your DB fetching and carring towards her when he asks or do something for his DD when you feel like it/she asks but that's about it

Whether you like it or not as of yet only him and the DC's mother have parental rights.