To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

Do you work?

There is more to life than this isn't there? I really feel for you. It's not the marriage you thought you were going to have. It probably is the marriage he thought he would have though, the selfish bastard.

I’d suggest you explore couples therapy together to rediscover the love and communication for each other. It sounds like there is a lot there to work for so don’t lose that.

@Ineedpeaceandquietno I don’t, worked for a while before marriage and hated it. However I do contribute financially as much as him if not more (difficult to measure as a lot of it is assets like house, car etc but also paying for things like daughter’s activities during the week)

I'm guessing before you both worked and met friends separately, together and did stuff and now you are a SAHM and don't go out.

If you don’t mind me asking, how do you fund your contributions? He is both getting his cake and eating it! A sahm who pays her own way

I agree. Divorce is a nightmare so it's worth exhausting other possibilities first.

Your lifestyle before was about yourself, him, hobbies. Now you have a kid and no job, your world has shrunk to parenting and household drudgery.

You can plan how to make your days enjoyable again and plan your future. Will you get a pension?
Most people don't love working, but that's why it's called work and not 'favourite possible way to spend my time' 😁

I’ve been married nearly thirty years and raised a family and it never felt like this. We tag teamed everything always. We’ve only have a couple of really big arguments over the years and we never bicker. He’s always more than pulled his weight with jobs in the house. I think more than anything you have to feel like a cohesive team in all aspects. He’s my best mate, makes me laugh every day and I always look forward to seeing him when he’s been working. I’m not sure if we’re unusual but I can see why your situation is making you feel unhappy. Hope you can resolve things.

Hi OP. How do you pay for things if you don't have a job?

It sounds like you could both benefit from counselling.

Are you still having sex?
Do you still love your husband?

I think a lot of this stems from his opting out of parenting. He needs to step up and look after your child.

When he comes home from work, tell him you're going to the pub with your friends. Just leave him with the toddler. It's his child, he needs to learn how to look after her.

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@Itsallthedramamickijust family money
@BlueMum16 I still see a fair share of friends, often mum friends but some pre-mum friends too. Definitely less than I used to but because I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, prefer to be home for bedtime etc although childcare is available

I feel sorry for your DH. He deserves better.

...................prefer to be home for bedtime etc although childcare is available

Childcare is available? What does this mean? I thought you were a SAHM.

If you're not in at bedtime, your husband should do it.

Are you saying you've got a nanny?

Why? I have a feeling that both of them have unmet needs emotionally.

LTB

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneby childcare I mean people who can look after my daughter. If I want to go out for lunch my mum or my aunt will happily babysit, my best (pre mum) friend regularly offers to do evenings and has done it a few times when we wanted a date night.

The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently)

Is there a reason you don't tidy up as you go along? I generally found it easier to do this.
I imagine you cook a meal every night while your daughter plays.

Is he getting upset because the house is messy? You were also saying that he leaves the bathroom wet after he has a shower.

Honestly, you'd both get a lot out of couple's counselling.

Ah okay, I see what you mean.

How often does your DH do bedtime with your DD?

Do you go out as a family at the weekend?

I feel this so much.

I look forward to going back to work each weekend just so I’m away.

I love my husband but he’s so miserable and snappy, I just struggle so much.

Maybe you are just bored with life. I know you said you hated the job you had before marriage but are there other things you could do. Perhaps if you were both having a life outside of the house you would be less resentful of each other.

I'm sorry to hear that.
Maybe you could start your own thread and get some advice?

I'd say your first mistake was agreeing to marry someone you hadn't even lived with at that point. Then you have gone really quickly from living together to having a child. No real time to settle into sharing your living space with each other, sorting out the little annoyances that crop up before you decide to commit fully to life together. No wonder there's arguments and tension.

Sounds like the patch most marriages hit - this is when you decide to work together to improve your relationship or split.

You need to sit him down and TALK. Ask how your marriage is for him. Tell him how you feel, what you like, what you'd like to change.

Good luck!

Yes, there does seem to be mutual resentment.

I've been married for 45 years @savannahsmama

My DH and I share the housework. We always have. When the DC were little, we shared the childcare, too.

We both worked, too. I worked at the weekends, so he looked after the children then.

We shared all these things.

I hope your money is ring-fenced if you are independently wealthy and brought this into the marriage.

Unfortunately he's taking you completely for granted now he has you trapped / enslaved. I'd leave him, he isn't behaving like a loving husband and isn't listening to you.