To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

It's also a bit tone deaf to keep going on about how she tried work but hated it ... work isn't optional for most people.

NB she’s posted this in AIBU not in relationships or mental health, so she’s asking people to be blunt.

Where's the lie, though?

I would imagine because most couples realise that their life satisfaction wouldn't really go up if they became single parents, and had to fund two seperate households suitable for their children, while losing out on 50% of their children's childhoods.

But that is how he parents. My husband and I parent differently and I have been known to pull him up on things I’ve heard in the past but in reflection it’s nothing major (his is a bit stricter than me) and I need to let him just get on with it and build his bond in his own way. Always having OP at hand to jump in when his DD says ‘I don’t like daddy’ reinforces that it’s ok for his daughter to say these things. When OP has left the DD with neighbours etc she isn’t there to jump in or take over so it’s more difficult to say that it’s just Daddy that the DD ‘hates’.

if I heard my kids saying they didn’t like their Dad that would upset me (and defo upset him) and I would want to work around ways to rectify that relationship!

I think his status is 100% relevant as he sound like a man who is impacted by emasculation. Some men don't care but he definitely does.

Also I didn't realise Mumnsnet came with a clause about being adult; why do you feel the need to monitor others on here? Are you the emoji police?

I think it's just part of the drudgery of having a family. Children change so quickly which means your relationship has too also. I would focus on him having some one on one time with his child. Are you sure the finance thing isn't causing an issue? I know you are going away with your family but was he invited? Would you be able to arrange a weekend away to let your hair down together? When our children were small those weekends really kept us together as you remember that you do actually like each other.

why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home

I got up more to the kids - why because bf, they wanted me and because I was home and could catch up on sleep sometimes whereas DH was doing a full days work and long commute and couldn't. If you really has an issue why didn't you speak up at the time rather than hold onto resentment.

I do wonder as with PP if you always being there does mean he doesn't get time with his DD to learn what it's liek looking after her - go out and just leave him don't take calls or undermine them finding their way with each other - could do wonders for their relationship and yours.

I did remember 3 - 4 being hard - they've out grown groups other mothers were getting back to work or having more kids - or starting planning for that - I started studying. Mine were at pre-school so that was a morning tie - but meant felt under pressure to make the most of time before school.

A job may not suit - studying volunteering - having something regular outside DD - especially if you have family to step in with childcare - or start planning for that when she starts school. I'm suggesting that as you do sound a bit fed up with your life not just your marriage.

Other than that - it's a hard time but communication between you both seems very poor - so maybe try and address that. Other option is to think about leaving - and what that would look like - would you be happier or better off in other ways.

I presume he feels incompetent and rejected around his child, and maybe has issues with your wealth and status. You could really do with having therapy to improve your communication with each other. I can see lots of similarities here with my relationship and my DP - who also struggles to have any deep and meaningfuls - really benefitted from a third party helping us communicate. We got to a point where things improved and he quit therapy but I still go back for the occasional session when I feel like murdering him as I’m now feeling perimenopausal rage coursing through my veins.

if you can’t get him into therapy with you (with a decent therapist), you’re probably better off going your separate ways. As I said to my friend who also has a child who is permanently latched to her, mostly through her own need for being the primary caregiver and not letting her DH get a look in which destroyed all father daughter bonding - you would need to be prepared to only have 50% custody post divorce. Could you handle that? I know several men who were told they were useless fathers by their wives but post divorce when they weren’t being told off non stop they turned out to be great dads for their 50% of the time as they could figure things out their own way. It’s the norm in my group of friends (two professionals) that post divorce childcare is split 50-50 and for all except a couple of outliers, it has been very amicable with the parents living close by.

Having read your edit, I am sorry you are so very rich and yet so very sad. 💰 😔

No, hopefully OP will realise she won't get any useful feedback from you bunch of plebs, lol

I agree with this.

My husband and I have slightly different rules (as well as a lot we agree on), and slightly different relationship with our son - it makes sense, since we're different people.

But with a SAHM set up there's a massive time difference in how long one parent can influence the overall relationship.

FWIW, my husband and I bicker a fair deal, and we split things fairly evenly, give each other free time. But there's never enough time to do everything we want, and as a result, we are a bit frustrated with life, and the other of us is nearest.

At the core of it though, we know that each others' temporary grievances vanish the moment we get a minute to sit and relax with each other.

God, people on this site think a woman doesn't even deserve the scraps from the table if she "doesn't work." (It's work. Just not paid work. If the Manly Wage-Earning Man needs a break from it because he's tired from wage-earning, it's work for him. It's work.)

All thinking they're so fucking modern and savvy and it's so so regressive.

I'm not rich, and I'm not sad at all, I'm very happy, I just don't need to work a job I hate 👍

Plebs, eh? Spoken like a true rich person. I'm sorry we are so far beneath you; perhaps have your butler show us the door 😅

@CatHairEveryWhereNow show me the working woman who somehow doesn't know how to look after her kid or form a relationship with them because she has a job. I do not know any women like that. It's a poor excuse.

You're showing your ass, love

So your word "wealth" was referring to something different from actual money?

Do you mean arse?

I can see a few potential things going on here:

1. You simply didn’t know all facets of your husband before committing to marriage and children. This could be down to not living together for enough time, not having the opportunities for life to show you the right experiences, or you took a blind eye to certain elements of your relationship. Shorthand: you’re just not compatible for this leg of a long-term relationship.

2. He doesn’t sound into marriage and family life. He’d a prefer to opt out, be with friends or at work, because he finds that easier and/or more pleasurable than being with you and your child. Shorthand: he doesn’t sufficiently love you.

3. Work isn’t always a pleasurable or meaningful element of everyone’s life, but if I’m being brutally honest, it does sound as if your refusal to work and reliance on family wealth has made you quite a boring person, or at the very least a person who he can’t really connect with because you lead such different lives. There is no commonality between you, and the thing you do have in common: your home and child – he has no interest in.

One or both of you need to make very substantial changes to yourselves to make your marriage work.

You need to get a job. So that you have a world outside providing services to a man. And it gives you options, should you decide not to stay. Also, if you’re going to get divorced then do it sooner rather than later if you financed the house and car, otherwise you will lose a much greater share.

I’m reading a book at the moment titled How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids and I keep thinking that it needs rewriting into How To Not Make Your Wife Hate You After Kids and be prescribed reading for men.

I haven’t RTFT but I can see it must look frustrating for him, you living on mum and dad’s money while he has to work to put the same amount of money in. Even if people will say it’s unreasonable on his part, I would be fed up and jealous if my partners family subsidised everything for him. Don’t you want to be independent for yourself?

He’s hardly ever done bedtime because she hates it, asks for mummy and it’s just easier for me to do. Maybe 5 times in her life total including me being at my cousin’s 30th once, a family wedding, theatre trips maybe 1-2 times.

I see so many posts like this on MN. Bedtime is such an amazing bonding experience I feel so sad that your husband hasn’t been given the opportunity to experience it ‘because it’s easier’. Do people always let this child make such pivotal decisions like this or should you try to parent. As soon as my kids ask for a certain parent be it me or my partner we always ask the child to think about how that might make the other parent feel. this applies to who takes them to the toilet when they needed help, who takes them to school or who puts them to sleep (although I have not applied this to who takes them to the park to play football funnily enough!!)