To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I tidy as I go with things like spillages etc but if my toddler has eg drawing and pencils laid out that she keeps coming back to then that stays out. If I’m cooking and she’s moved on from playing doctor with her teddies to doing the puzzle then I will keep cooking rather than go to tidy. And her own tidying is… ok for a 3 year old but not pro standard yet.

yes every weekend is outings as a family unless he has something on (rare, once mo maybe) or he’s spoken to me rudely and I want time apart, then I’m with my daughter.

He’s hardly ever done bedtime because she hates it, asks for mummy and it’s just easier for me to do. Maybe 5 times in her life total including me being at my cousin’s 30th once, a family wedding, theatre trips maybe 1-2 times.

What's the "family money"? Does that mean you never have to work? I'm not making excuses for him at all but could he resent that he does still have to work and, in his mind, to balance that, you do all the child and house stuff? Just thinking aloud here.

I think that most marriages have moments like this, but you can definitely expect better.

I would also say that 3.5 is still quite tough. It gets better than this (ds was a little love at 4, still my favourite age of the lot, and primary school can be a joy though i preferred secondary in some ways). It's worth investing in your relationship now, certainly. Do you think you might have another or are you both done? (Ds is an only BTW so to me that's normal enough).

It strikes me that you have stopped enjoying being with mum friends, hated your past job, feeling distanced from your husband. I'm sorry to say it, but could you be depressed? Are you rewriting history slightly with a grey filter over it - that's what depression can do. Maybe see your GP?

Right now, any moment of connection will be positive. You have access to some babysitting, so arrange to meet your husband after work one day and go to the pub with him and his workmates, then go out to dinner. Or both of you take a day off and spend the day in bed doing something like you used to do. Maybe write a diary, even a gratitude journal [boak - but I've heard people say it has really changed things for them]. THEN when you have got some recent connection, talk yo your husband about how neglected and taken for granted you are feeling.

Maybe look at getting a job?
Did you hate the job, or just working, before marriage? Couples counselling? Do you love the man?

Sorry but I have n sympathy for you OP. You don’t have a job. Get a job. Then you can moan about him. If he were a house husband I’d say exactly the same. Your role IS to look after your child. Yes, he should help and you are clearly knackered. But this is how it goes with young kids. This is what I did. Wouldn’t dream of asking my husband to get up in the night when he had to go into the office to work. I know this sounds unsisterly, but I’d say it to a man too.

It's my understanding that marital satisfaction tends to nosedive after the birth of the first child and often does not recover until the children have left home.

OP, are you contributing approximately half towards housing costs, bills etc with your “family money” ? if so I think this needs to be looked at.

Is it is a huge pot that will sustain you for many years? What’s your long term plan?

Life is essentially less fun when you’re parents and things alter because they have to, the daily grind of running a home and looking after kids does wash off the sparkle.
My DH and I have had a few rough patches, probably 2 in the 20 years we’ve been together when I actually thought I just couldn’t continue with everything anymore. He would have been broken hearted if I had called it a day but I think looking back I was just so overwhelmed with children and life.
Hearing him cry in the bathroom when we’d had another argument is what made me realise he was still my everything.
We had a big heart to heart and realised that we were essentially the same people underneath just weighed down and made a choice to try harder.
I still want to brain him occasionally but when I look at him sleeping or being twit to make me laugh it reminds me of who he is or how awesome our life is.
My advise is really look at your DH, is he the same person you married, with the same values and has become a little lost? Has he morphed into someone that you can’t make a life with because you’re essentially incompatible and neither of you can make the adjustments needed to continue without losing who you are?
If he will go to therapy with you, you can try and unpick things and see if it’s salvageable, you can’t continue as you are, you sound like you don’t like him very much at all!

.......you can’t continue as you are, you sound like you don’t like him very much at all!

Yes. This does come across, in all your posts @savannahsmama

Do you still love him? Would you like to salvage your marriage? Or are things so bad that you'd like to get a divorce?

Really? Surely this is her job 9-5 just like his. Then the rest of it should be split? Why does she have to do the night shift as well as the day job? If he has an office job there's no reason he can't be a bit tired. Much less exhausting than looking after a young child all day.

The reason they are having tension is that her life has changed immensely and he is just carrying on as before. That's not fair. He can't just go to the pub and leave her at home picking up the slack. Whose house isn't a mess with young kids. You tidy up and 30 secs later they empty it all out. I just tidied up and whilst I was doing the dishes my 4yo has emptied the entire toy box all over the place.

Op, if you read this you need more support. It's fine that you are a sahm but that doesn't mean he can't do nothing. You are not his domestic servant. I'd suggest literally splitting the tasks. Write a list of stuff that need done and what he needs to do. This means you should both get a couple of nights off!

The source of the money isn’t the issue here and how can he resent her still contributing financially whilst being a full time SAHM and doing all the work in the house? The alternative will be that he takes on more of the financial burden right? So doesn’t the fact she still contributes benefit him?

Yes, life gets harder and things change massively after having kids!

You don't work, don't have to worry about money, have childcare on tap... you should be able to make this work tbh.

Not long till your daughter starts school and things will get massively easier for you.

This is my 25 year marriage, we are pretty much on the same page and any differences are open to compromise. Give and take, understanding and trating each other with respect.
We're fortunate that we've always been able to talk about everything.
I was married [short term] twice before as was he but this is the real deal.

Why would anyone stay with anyone if that was the case?
Do people stay together for the sake of the kids now even if they are really miserable with their spouse?

I couldn’t agree more with this. The things the OP describes aren’t a happy team. I’ve never ever in 25 years of marriage ever wished I wasn’t spending time with my DH. I am, in fact, currently clock watching as he’s due back from being away and I’m waiting for him to land!

OP that isn’t to say the things can’t be resolved but it should like you need to communicate better without it leading to arguments. Perhaps this is one where you need a couple’s counsellor to help you ?

You need to put this in Relationships, not AIBU as you're going to get a kicking for being a SAHM here.

Yes, it can be better than is currently but it does take both of you to work towards that and to like being with each other.

It sounds like you have access to resources, so use them and get a clear idea of you as a couple and a family and the opposite, then make decisions based on where you get to.

You both sound unhappy so I hope that isn’t the norm for most marriages. You have a lot that’s going well for your family and things to be thankful for - no money worries and plenty of support from family and friends are major positives.

Write a list of the good things and bad things. Try and work out the reasons for things on both sides and what can be done about them. Talk to him, listen to him and give him an open space to share his side of things.

@TimeForTeaAndGi mean… yes. It was all very quick. We lived together for 10mo between engagement and marriage but with all the excitement of initially moving in and wedding planning, that’s hardly comparable to normal life. Agree it’s a mistake

Not sure where you got that from! You grow as a team and things change but doesn’t mean you get less happy.

@savannahsmama Sorry, am a bit unclear on the timeline. Was this change concurrent with pregnancy, having a child or was the change before that? My comments would differ based on which scenario.

Totally agree with this. Some of the posts on this read as if we've gone back to the 1950s!

OP, many, many men see themselves as the main characters and women as the help humans. It often becomes much more apparent after we have kids - they really do see the house and home as our responsibility. Sadly, our society still encourages men to be entitled and women to put ourselves last.

I bet you're shouldering the mental load too - does this cartoon chime with you? I found it really eye opening. I didn't sign up to be the chief of household and child related things, I really thought it would be a partnership.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I don't know what to suggest, but just to say solidarity. Not every marriage is like this, no. But many, many are. Women are treated like unpaid servants and it's largely not even acknowledged.

Thank goodness divorce is easier these days.

This is how it should be. You are a partnership, but he seems to have forgotton that and reverted to being a single bloke with an annoying burden of responsibilities at home that he is pretending he doesn't have. Please remind him of how you were and how you want to get back to that. Ask him to go to couples therapy together.

You don't sound a team financially at all.

No, she sounds like a sugar mommy and he's taking advantage

Well we both work full time, the house is a mess, which we argue over, money gets soent which we argue over, currently ai am sorting socks and ironing uniforms. Its not an exciting life tbh and we rarely get time for ourselves.
Personally, I get my kicks through work. I constantly upskill and enjoy building my career. It is exciting to me to have this in my life, something that is mine, not my husbands or the kids and something I can build and grow for myself. I also love the fact that I could walk away and be perfectly OK at any time. If tomorrow we broke up, I would have my career, my skills and all would be fine. I actually think that makes us stronger as a couple that we both have our own thing going on. So even though with two young DCs it is all about them now, I have my own life too.
It gives me something to occupy my mind, like today I will spend a couple of hours on the course I am doing. Tomorrow I will log kn at 9 am and speak to my team and we will work together on our project.
Home life is quite mundane really, there is only so much socialising a parent can do without being an absent parent, so you have to find meaning in anoyher way. Our pre kids life was champagne nights and carribbean holidays, now we have our careers and our home and our kids as the primary focus.
The good thing about working is that you can spend a bit of money on outsourcing stuff, like cleaning and ironing. Although currently we dont as it is manageable.
So yes, our life is the same, but I am enriched through work. I would suggest finding enjoyment through work.. you cant say, ai tried work once but didnt enjoy it, that is totally ridiculous. There are a million courses and jobs out there.
Start learning again, in something, marine biology, beauty, art, project management and find meaning and purpose. Then you will have things to discuss with your husband that are not the house or the kids or your friend Sandra's new kitchen.