To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

The shutting me down alone would have me gone. There is no heart in the marriage.

Keep up with what? That's irrelevant and not contradictory to what I said...she didn't work because she didn't want to.

You need to build a life outside the home for yourself and leave him to do the childcare.
Of course dd wants mum to put her to bed etc, but if you aren’t there then she’ll get used to it and it’ll probably help their bond. Ditto on him going out with her to fun places in his own.
You may feel you are missing out, but they need to develop their relationship too.

I was a bit like you, but looking back I think it was to the detriment of dh.

Reconnect with dh too. Go away for a weekend. Go on regular dates nights.

Regain some of your old life before dd, both on your own and with dh. You sound ground down and resent your dh with his freedoms. He’ll have to step up if you build more of a life away from the house.

It's clear that he thinks you should take all the house chores and childcare responsibilities as you are not working.

You have to tell him how you feel about this setup.

Doesn't matter babe, he needs her more than she needs him, so his pissing off to the pub and refusing to talk to her about anything meaningful is even more galling.

Using the word rich doesn’t imply someone earnt it themselves. Someone who won the lottery is rich as fuck. There’s no detail in that word about how it came about.

@IfItWereMeas I said, I’m not going to go into the details of how the money arrangement works as that derails the thread: there will naturally be people who think it’s unfair on him, unfair on me, unfair that inheritance exists at all, worries on my behalf about whether it’s protected enough, worries for him if it’s too protected etc. All that matters for the purposes of this thread is that there is a pot of money I can dip into easily, without depending on anyone or asking any permission from him or anyone else. He still pays for many things like food / bills but it’s essentially equivalent to me contributing a salary that’s no less than his whilst staying at home.

the reason I do contribute money at all is because from the outset I wanted to marry someone I actually get on with (ironic, I know) rather than my main filter being “son of billionaire”

I agree completely. When you have a full time job you HAVE to do it whatever your mood, whether you want to that day or if you don't like aspects of it. You don't have that and can organise your day as you please. Your husband doesn't. The irritations seem minor. You sound permanently dissatisfied with life. Saying you worked before marriage but 'didn't like it'. Did you consider trying another type of work? I think you need to find purpose and if lucky a passion. Then you can add energy rather than subtracting from the marriage. Attitude is everything.

There is always one!

Ahh yes, this is true. My husband is taking ny youngest to the cinema today for daddy time. Also I have been away for work and short trips and he has had to do the full mum load l, which really helps tbh as he understands fully the role.. although still manages to have to call me to ask where socks are and other stupid questions

Why is that always the first question?

He sounds like a bit of an arsehole with poor communication skills and I’d struggle to stay with him. However, I’d argue he doesn’t need her at all, unless her family money is paying for his accommodation, car, etc, which the OP hasn’t clarified. He seems capable of supporting himself and could pay a cleaner to do household tasks. Could she support herself and her child without him or her family?

Women shouldn’t be reliant on men or else men start believing they can do whatever they like. She needs a life outside of her home, hobbies or volunteering if she doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t clarify if DC is in nursery yet (unless I’ve missed it) but most 3.5 year olds are in pre school provision 25-30 hours a week. That’s plenty of time to build a life outside of this man and also to encourage him to parent more, do nursery pick ups etc. At the moment all of her time is “free” in his eyes so he’s taking the piss.

Um... how? Why?

He's not funding her

@savannahsmama in the kindest possible way, has he brought equal finance into the relationship? I suspect that's the big issue if not. In a healthy relationship both parties render an equal contribution and I suspect that's what's missing.

I also suspect that you may be Asian and some of the issues you are facing are culturally nuanced in a way many MNetters, me included, don't understand. However I would ask if you are equals intellectually, socially as well, etc. Often inequalities that erode a relationship.

Regarding the domestic stuff, may I ask, if you have substantial independent wealth, why isn't much of it sub-contracted?

All that said, he shouldn't be going to the pub every night. Some nights I can understand professionally but not regularly.

To answer your question OP yes this is pretty common for a marriage once kids come along as they dramatically alter the equation. You simply can’t have the life you had pre-kids and that reality takes some getting used to. It does generally get easier as they get older. But both parties need to accept it and communicate about it and work together to make a new plan for what your life will be like
now.

You are financially independent so why stay? He is uncomfortable with deep emotions, and aggressively unpleasant when his wittle feelings get hurt in at leadt three instances 1) toddler prefers mummy, 2) wifie not deferential enough to his mum, 3) big feelings or wife not happy.

Take a look at books on the emotionally immature. Having to move from lover of a wealthy woman to father snd husband can be very challenging for some men. He may not be cut out for it.

You have your lovely daughter and can afford to raise her slone. He can either go to therapy to learn how to be a functioning husband/father or get out and hang with his mates. Its a win/win.

Um...
You HAVE to do things when you're looking after a child, whether you feel like doing them or not.

It does sound like you've kind of had enough of eachother. Just across the board.
Can you go back to work? If you split you'll need an income so better to try and sort that now/asap.
I would say try counselling but it just sounds like you don't like eachother anymore.

Look, he's not acting like a married man with a child, is he? He's acting like an alcoholic freeloader who has emotionally checked out. You can't stand the sight of him OP. Marriages aren't meant to be like this.

I have independent wealth but my husband still acts like he loves me and appreciates me. He isn't bitter or absent because he is a decent human being.

@savannahsmama nobody can speak for every marriage but it’s certainly yours
He doesn’t step up it’s the simple . He goes to work and still has a social life . You are default parent and then he has the cheek to get annoyed as dc prefers you . Wonder why that is !
He is taking you for granted .

Talk to him and if nothing changes end it . You don’t have to live a miserable life.

If you have the means to leave easily, which it sounds like you do, I would probably suggest that as this doesn't sound like a fulfilling life and I do not think it will get better.

As for how much you hated working, I think that was very likely based on what kind of work you did. It makes all the difference.

Since you're the rare woman who can live off family money for the rest of your life apparently, you can always just... leave him. Live on your own with your DD, take the occasional lover. Live the dream.

I think you should look into finding a job you love.

@WannabeMathematicianhonestly? They spend 1 on 1 time when I need to get away for 10 minutes for the shower etc and I can hear her screaming “daddy I don’t like you” or him screaming “whyyyyyyy did you spill some water? Be careful!!!!” / “no don’t tip those toys out, you were playing with these!!!” , half her toys put high up on top of the wardrobe, the other half being threatened to go in the bin.
or if I go out for longer I get video calls of her crying “come back mummy, I don’t want daddy” (doesn’t happen when she’s been left with my neighbour for a couple of hours when I had an urgent medical thing, or when she’s with my mum or aunt)

She. Doesn't. Need. To. Work. That's. Not. The. Issue.