To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

I think you are both tired and not communicating well. From an impartial outsider just reading your post, these ‘problems’ are all quite minor once the married couple can have a conversation and agree on a solution. You’re not supposed to just pick at each other and be unhappy, you’re supposed to say ‘these things are pissing me/you/us off, what can we do’.

You have money to get couples counselling. You have money to get a cleaner. Why not make life easier? They don’t have to be forever, why not try them for 3 months?

Dad needs more one on one time with DD in a fun setting. This will also give you some free time.

Life doesn’t need to be so difficult.

He's a fucking idiot. I'd hate the sight of him too. Your daughter has good taste!

If I had your economic privilege, no way would I stay in a marriage like that. Why do you?

... I worked my arse off to achieve the independence I needed to leave my horrible marriage; you can just walk out 😊.

I would say your financial situation probably does actually have a lot to do with his behaviour OP. In his eyes, you’re getting to stay at home and do lovely things with your daughter everyday, while he goes out to work full time. Many men think that SAHM don’t do anything all day. Do you own your house together? Do you share the bills etc? As you’re independently wealthy, it seems like you’d enjoy your life better if you split up.

Part of the problem is that you are always there, he never gets any daddy daughter trips or nice times together because when you are all together she naturally wants her main caregiver which is you.

We have a similar dynamic with our 4 year old daughter, but I work outside the house as much as he does, so they get opportunities to spend time together and do things together which she loves, but when I come back she just wants me for bedtimes etc, which we have both accepted as natural, but still very unfair on the parent who isn't 'wanted'

He is getting the rubbish end of the deal here and you need to acknowledge that, if you left them together to do things their relationship would massively improve.

Also, it seems unfair that you can choose to not work because you have generational wealth, while he still has to graft full time to pay 'his share' of the bills, it's not really the actions of a married couple, I'm not saying you should support him, but you should both shoulder the burden equally, you living the dream while he is forced to work full time to keep up is no wonder you argue all the time, I'd resent you too.

If you’re an heiress as you’re hinting then why not hire yourself a nanny, a chauffeur, pool cleaner, housekeeper and take a lover? That way it won’t matter what your DH does or doesn’t do. Problem solved. I’ll invoice you later 🤣

Tired lol. He not tired when he down the pub sinking pints !

Hello OP. Thank you for replying. My asking about your financial set up was just an attempt to get a broader picture of the situation.
Before you got married, did you talk about and agree on what kind of life you wanted to have? Did you set goals for your married life? Do you have a 2 year plan or a five year plan. No doubt your independent wealth benefits your husband and daughter and removes lots of everyday worries - and that’s as It should be.
The perverse thing is though, it also removes many of the opportunities for achieving a sense of building a marriage and a life together. This is the sense I get from your posts - that there is no working together to build something.
For lots of people that can be something as simple as saving up to buy living room furniture - saving the money, looking at what’s available, deciding together and then a sense of achievement when you sit on your new sofa.
This is not something that you alone are responsible for- your husband needs to take responsibility for this.
Think about what you both want your married life to look like. Talk about being parents and agree on a way forward and how the two of you can work together to make that happen.
I wish you the very best.

I think the finances do play some factor into this. Another pp said ‘he needs her more than she needs him’ and that sounds quite true and can cause an unbalance in the narrative. I’m not saying to rely on him as ‘the man of the house who earns’ as we see so much, but do have a think what he actually brings to the marriage / family to make him somewhat fulfilled too. You don’t need his money, or his help with your child so he might be feeling a bit lost for his ‘place’.

you say he doesn’t do bedtime as your daughter prefers you and in turn that’s just easier, and that she comes to you rather than him etc (some of this will be because you spend more time with her so inevitable), maybe you need to push those thoughts and ‘allow’ him more bedtimes to bond with his DD without you around (you could stay downstairs or even go see a friend), and let him feel more part of the marriage and the family.

im not saying the marriage issues are all about pandering to him (it sounds like there are still unbalances in domestic chores too), but taking one step at a time and a positive step for him to have more of a bond with your (both of your) DD.

I agree - they are very poorly matched. Either wealth should marry wealth, or the wealth should be shared equally.

Seriously this is your advice ? He gets the rubbish deal here ?
Have you read the full post? He can’t be arsed caring for his child . He manipulates the situation and video calls op with their Dd upset .

So OP should stop whingeing and leave him 🤷‍♀️

You're in a great position in so far as you're not trapped by lack of money.

So you actually have a choice here. You don't have to stay. Things don't need to be abusive for you to want to split.

Do you think he realises this?

And take her bags of money with her 😂

I meant they seem tired of each other and their day to day life. Not that they’re literally sleepy.

Why are people being horrible to the OP? The knives start coming out eh when a woman has the audacity to have an inheritance to live off 🙄

This is someone's actual real life.

Doesn’t sound like a happy marriage to me.

To me marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper a document that cost money to do the same thing that you was already doing in the first place.
You just have restrictions instead of full on freedom.

Think you have to push for counselling otherwise you will never get him to talk & talking is the only way to resolve issues.
nearly like forcing him to spend time with you & a third person to facilitate that meeting so it doesn’t end in an argument. The other alternative is to walk away.

So he's got absolutely no fucking clue how to interact with a child, and is making it your fault.

How is it horrible to say, you've got the means to be independent of this man so use it?

i don’t think it’s that at all, it’s relevant as it gives her lots of options which is fantastic and I don’t think people have disagreed with that. It’s just with the security of her finances and available childcare it should be the opportunity to live a more harmonious life for both of them. Husband works and she SAHM and both equal in terms of labour on that sense. But the issues seem to be they then havnt divided up the ally home tasks and that includes taking care of their DD more equally.

from what I have read and I have read the whole thread he is also not being ‘allowed’ to parent too. E.g The OP does bedtime because her daughter wants her and it’s ‘easier’, she prefers staying in with her daughter than going out (which is fine) but I get a different sense that this then doesn’t allow him the bind or to ‘fend’ for himself as a dad. If they were to split he couldn’t keep calling on the OP and she wouldn’t be there to do the mundane either in the house or with their DD.

so sharing up the childcare and the domestic burdens seems like the obvious first steps.

OP has the luxury of not being ‘trapped’ but her lack of finances and that includes itself is wonderful. However as I said above if they were to split then dividing of both sides of childcare and household would have to happen in their separate households so start this now for a more harmonious life.

There may well be some resentment too. If my husband didn’t have to ‘work’ because he didn’t like it (not just because he was caring for our family) I would feel some resentment too and this would need to be worked through from both of our sides and again how we can both feel equal in the marriage/ family

You remind me of prince harry: entitled.

You chose a man beneath you (financially) that you liked. He’s now turned into a normal person, indeed irritating at times. So you want to trade him, in or get rid. You regret your choice. You could have had a slightly useless person/someone irritating but who was very rich with it. Now you have neither wealth nor your dream person, and you’re pissed off. That’s the bottom line isn’t it?

So trade him in. Find your dream man. Or be single. That’s assuming you’ve talked it all through with him and had some honest conversations and also considered whether you yourself are all that great. If you didn’t have the family dosh, what do you bring? What sort of wonderful person are you? Yes you’re your daughter’s mother, and you clearly do what you can with her, and go the extra mile, but I think most of us on here do that too. Finally, these years are 5he hardest. But honestly, quit whinging, you have so much privilege I don’t think you realise what a spoilt brat you sound to be.

Saying someone is 'whinging' , and referring to bags of money with a laughing emoji, is not being adult or supportive.

I have lost friends who were absolutely snide and jealous of my wealth. They couldn't help themselves from making catty remarks.

Just because someone doesn't require employment to be economically solvent, doesn't mean life is easy or they aren't allowed to express confusion and heartbreak when someone they thought loved them, acts in a disappointing way, and wonders if they are indeed being unreasonable.