To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

To be honest, he sounds like someone who wants another person to allow him to live the life of a single man. Don't be that person 😀

You need to work on him doing a fairer share. Also if he's rude and you go out, why do you take DC? Make him parents. DC needs to understand you are equally responsible too.

If you were to split he will need to do these things and she'll need to accept it.

Oh come now, you've never heard of relationships being more strained with babies and infants around?

This was my story.

All my husband wanted was a 'sexual housekeeper.' 4 years into the marriage I was tired, depressed and stressed.

When I started complaining about him not pulling his weigh he first started getting nasty, then had an affair. I divorced him and she (OW) was ready to catch my cast-offs.

He got what he wanted - a complaint wife who was happy to be a drudge, didn't ask for anything for herself and didn't rock the boat.

I got my freedom ! Waahey !

Of course I have but I was replying back to @FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury comment that it was a given that marital satisfaction declines for the entirety of your children's childhoods (not just babies and toddlers so 20 odd years) and that you are an exception if it doesn’t.

@savannahsmama as for speed... I was pregnant with ds 4 weeks after meeting dh, moved in 6 months later. I can't say I'd exactly recommend it as a plan, but shit happens. No point in agonising over it! Imo you can do everything 'right' over timing and it can still go pear-shaped.

This. “Worked for a while before marriage and hated it.” 🙈. He doesn’t have a team mate he has another dependent and now that he has a child to support too the shine has probably worn off it all for him a little bit. I’m not saying for a minute he shouldn’t be contributing in the household at all, but it’s not like this was a plan for someone to be a SAHP, she hasn’t worked since before marriage and DC. Using the limited info we have to infer, it screams “trust fund baby” that he is now expected to look after.

Love language before kids is athletic sex and scrumptious Flirty carefree meals days out cuddles

after kids its emptying the dishwasher, getting up in the night, scrubbing shite remembering to renew the insurance

it’s the little things that can break you , I’d suggest therapy and then see if it’s unfuxable
the toddler years are the hardest

To address a few points…

talking: he avoids any serious conversation if it’s feelings / relationships — shuts down as soon as things get uncomfortable. Fine only with talking about happy things or practicalities like let’s buy a new pram, where shall we holiday etc, or things not related to us directly like politics, wasn’t so and so’s wedding lovely, what do you think about domesticating large cats (honestly hard to think of exact conversation topics but when not arguing we do talk a lot)

Last week he was saying how lucky he is to have me, how I’m the best mum. Then yesterday, because our daughter was a bit off with him, he flipped and said I’m the worst mum and I’ve turned her against him by being too soft.

When I try to talk about it, it’s always, “Let’s not get into it,” or “It’s fine, don’t worry,” or “I didn’t mean it.” There’s never a good time — not after bedtime because he’s tired, not before because she’s around, not during her nap because he’s either working or wants one himself. It’s always too early, too late, she’s there, or he just wants to watch TV. So nothing ever actually gets resolved.

money: I won’t go too much into it as not the point of the post. Family money as in generational wealth, nothing to do with his earnings, yes it’s sufficiently ring fenced.

working again: I genuinely hated working and really enjoy my time with my daughter, our little days out, the conversations etc. I wouldn’t swap it. Yes, perhaps when she’s much older and any future potential children are much older I may consider it. Or may not.

She clearly does from her OP. She takes care of their toddler, keeps the house and preps food. That is work.

You need to talk to each other without bickering, criticising or getting upset. Sit him down, say ‘I think our marriage is in a bad place and we need to talk about it’, say how you feel, and let him say his side too. It’s hiding simmering resentment which destroys marriages!

Also, men reveal their true colours when children come along...

Does he enjoy his job?

OP, can I ask you … did your family provide the home you live in and the car you drive ? Do they give you a regular “ allowance” which allows you to pay for your daughter’s activities, et cetera? That’s how your posts read to me.
Do you think your husband feels like he has no real role to play here?
I only ask because it seems to me you and your husband have no experience of planning a married life together and then working together to achieve that.
Real life can’t be about constantly having fun, going on dates, lazy days just pleasing yourselves.
There’s no sense of the two of you pulling together. That’s where a lot of the sense of achievement in a marriage comes from - knowing that the two of you are building something worthwhile.

It's really common OP, often the mums life changes and shrinks as a direct result of their partners not changing at all. It sounds like he's got no patience in terms of building a relationship with his child independently of you and I think you need to step back and stop doing things just because it's easier. Let him - make him - parent.

I would say you need to have a conversation about what each of you is expecting from marriage but if he's not prepared to talk about it then that's also really common and in all honesty probably only going to contribute to your feelings of resentment increasing.

I'm a sahm and happy in my relationship so I don't think the issue is down to OP being a sahm. I'm fortunate that DH and I see eye to eye on most things and are chilled about the times when we don't, so we don't argue. Our house is quite chaotic with 2 young dc but we just shrug and figure that's life with kids. We're a team and took turns doing bedtime (or often would do it together) when we had one dc, and now we have 2 we do one each.

OP I would agree with those who suggest relationship therapy. It sounds like you had a strong relationship before and there seems to be enough to salvage it, although it sounds like a difficult stage. Financially I'm also in a position where I'm not dependent on DH's earnings, and that's quite an advantage - once the dc is in school/preschool, you will have time to spend on education, creative interests or leisure and wellbeing activities, which can be more fulfilling than work.

Thanks for explaining OP and glad your assets are ringfenced. He does sound emotionally unavailable, you can't be expected to live your life like this. Why not split?

Sorry Op I was typing out my message and posted it while you were replying and answered a few of my questions

how is your social life and personal time outside of parenting. You are in the thick of life with a young child so it won’t be all sun and roses.

but he also seems a bit lazy and hands off with regards to parenting so of course resentment is building. Would he be open to doing some work on your marriage.

also you need to give him a day WEEKLY parenting on his own. There are obviously standard rules for how you parent but differ parents have different rules. It’s ok for him to be strict as long as he’s not abusive.

and of course your daughter spends most time with you and if you are more lenient or easy then she will prefer you.

unless you think he abusive your way of doing things isn’t automatically better.

What does "family money" mean?

I read it that you have your own income source to allow you not to work but still pay or way, but DH still has to work to pay his way.

When does your daughter spend 1 on 1 time with her dad? Do they have a strong bond or has that been allowed to strengthen by both you and him? Some of my happiest times being a parent is watching my husband be with our son. It’s great for them and great for me. I ask because you say he doesn’t do any bedtimes? Does he do anytime at the weekend?

She worked 'a bit' before marriage but not since....so was unemployed or a housewife or whatever even before having kids. Not the same.

Do keep up, she's rich AF, she doesn't need to be an employee! Either way, you seem to think homemaker isn't a respectable role, which is clearly an obscene take.

She isn’t rich at all, she lives off her family and her DH. Valid lifestyle choice if possible, lots of people would do the same, but let’s not imply she’s made her own money here.