AIBU - siblings at parties!

[Cat345]

AIBU to think it's outrageous to bring a sibling to a party and then put them on the table to eat with all the kids that were actually invited. Then take cake and party bag for them!? I would never do this but I don't know if I'm being mean about it.

i think in that case I’d send them a bill!
I have to admit I once got incredibly ill one weekend and forgot about a party my daughter was supposed to be at.

It was a pottery workshop and they didn’t message me to ask where we were (they must have noticed!) and I realised too late. I was absolutely mortified and I still cringe at how rude I must have looked. I think I bought the parents a bottle of champagne and couldn’t apologise enough!

Cryingatthegym I promise you in my experience it's almost never the people with actual need, it's the entitled ones, two parents, lots of local family support and financially very well off. What they did have in common is they were typically not very nice people otherwise too.

It can also be unfair on the invited child- they may not actually want their sibling there?

My DS when he was aged 5 showed more common sense:

’Mummy why am I invited to this party? I don’t play with her?’ (Mum definitely invited me! 😂)

I was on my own with both that day, of course checked and offered to pay for sister (as parents disapprove of dropping off here)

My son: ‘Mummy, I don’t really want you or sister here’.

I explained it was expected I stay. He was baffled: ‘but I know not to go outside the soft play and there are lots of other adults to ask if I needed help.’

I felt I was stifling my child both by staying and takin his sister against his wishes.

Also, I’m much more reluctant to take his younger sister given how rough some of the older boys were to her at her brother’s own party. They are not all nice to the younger ones! 🙀

This happened to us when we did a big 5th birthday party for our child, it was a hall with a bouncy castle situation so just about manageable.

One mum asked, explained she was a single mum and couldn't leave her older child at home so I said it was ok. But a few other families turned up with both parents and 2/3 kids and hadn't even asked me. (I've since gathered that one of those husbands is absolutely lazy and useless so I suspect he didn't want to be on his own at home with the younger ones, or take his daughter to the party by himself.)

If you ever think it is ok just to turn up with siblings and let them join in you are a very rude person. If you really need to stay with the invited child, and you can't leave the sibling with anyone else, you contact the parent BEFORE HAND, and ask if this is ok, offering to pay for the sibling if there is a cost involved with them joining in. I have no problem with this if I have asked parents to stay or if there is a child who really won't come without a parent. Obviously, if someone happens on the day, (sibling was going to a friend's and friend is ill say), then it's fine to ask on the day, but don't expect them to have cake/party bag.

My DD's best friend's family does this - there are 3 children, her bestie is the eldest so it really changes the dynamics having the littlest two there. Both parents also stay so it isn't a case of needing childcare - they just like doing everything together all the time and assume an invitation for one is an invitation for all.

I find it embarrassing because I know they don't ask- you can see the host's face fall when they all bundle in. Last weekend it was a trampoline park and the host had to pay their entry and extra food - the family have zero self awareness.

Well put

Did she?

Because my DS had his birthday party at a trampoline park and as we came in the children on the invitations were ticked off. To pay for two extras I’d have had to have been summoned from where I was standing with my own family and told that two extra people were there. You pay in advance for parties; you don’t just rock up and say ‘oh yeah there’s seven extra!’ or whatever.

Ahh the lesser spotted bitchplop and run op getting everyone frothing on a Sunday morning

The host family may have circumstances and (probably does) that are difficult for them and have gone hrough a big effort to host a party their child wants. They were very kind and generous to invite your one kid already. Don't pay them back by making things more difficult.

If dad isn't on the scene and no family, you could ask the host (well in advance, in case they can't have the sibling it lets them invite another friend of their kids) to drop her off and/or try and ask another parent to mind her. Or not go. All before asking to bring the kid they didn't invite.
And if they say yes and you do end up bringing her make sure she stands by your side and doesn't join in with anything, remembering she wasn't invited in the first place.

It’s rude, at DDs party an invited child turned up with both parents and two other siblings! Never mentioned it when RSVPed or on arrival just stood back let the siblings join in whilst smiling on indulgently, they also both took party bags and joined the queue for food! I won’t invite that child again as the family are cheeky fuckers, it’s a private party not a family outing.

Bringing random uninvited children can change the dynamic, I wouldn’t even ask and put a host in that position but some people just have no shame!

I work half days on a Saturday so Dh would ask of he could drop dc1 or dc2 off for the party as he had to take care of the other.Most would be fine with that and dh would head over as soon as I got in from work so usually for the last hour. Sometimes they did say bring both the older two as they are a year apart and have an overlap in their friendship group but we never assumed. It will be a bit harder when our youngest starts getting invited to parties but that's for us to figure out, we will just have to ask if it's ok to drop and run.

Ask if you can drop the kid off, ask another parent to mind if they are 4 years old or something, anything before asking to bring an extra kid.
I bet we are talking about 7 or 8 year olds or worse😂

I think it depends where you are. We're in a rural area with not many kids, and I can't think of a party that siblings weren't included tbh. I would have asked if the invite wasn't explicit they could come, but since I have two dc and worked opposite shifts to do as much as possible, I either had to drop off, bring both dc or decline.

If a party organiser had said I could bring a sibling, I'd expect them to eat but not get a party bag.

Maybe it's different if it's a paid for activity? I only ever went to "kids running around a village hall or large garden" type parties.

This is why I absolutely hated parties, couldn't get childcare especially at the weekend for the other children as dh was working and when I was told I could bring them I kept them away from the party but it was a nightmare trying to supervise my child at the party and the others I brought, so ended up declining invites. I don't think people understand that sometimes it's really difficult for some and they don't have a million people to help them.

If you book a soft play centre or trampoline party then paid extras are allowed. I've always used any no shows to cover the costs of siblings of I can.

If you book an activity that's numbers limited it's very easy to explain that.

These days I make the situation clear in the invitation, saying 'paid siblings welcome' or "can't accommodate siblings due to capacity limits" etc. Easy.

Food and party bags are only given if there are spares. I often do spares.

And why can you not drop off a kid for a garden party in someones house? Especially somewhere rural and safe?
Their child didn't choose your kids siblings as their guests, why make the birthday child have unwanted kids there? In situations where we allow our children choose whom they invite (normal parenting, not helicoptering overcontrolling gentle"parenting scenario where guests are decided by the mother and usually are made up of her own friends' kids ad opposed to who the kid wants). As other PPs have said, the kid often says "I want to play with so and so at my party", and thats who's invited, so your other kids crowbarring their way is entitled and in really poor taste. They may be shy and only want say 3, 5 or 7 kids there etc .
You "expect" too much and are too full of yourself. I wouldn't invite you again.

In our school the norm is to invite siblings to whole class parties. None of us are on tight budgets (London prep) and it's a nice vibe to have younger siblings involved, and it's a social occasion for parents too. Parties tend to be in hired halls with entertainment, and usually don't cost more per child. A few parties have been for more specific numbers and exclude siblings, but they usually aren't for the whole class. Our school is small so party numbers with siblings is still usually under 25.

As a host I always expect to provide food, play and party bags for siblings. It doesn't cost much more and it's just nice to do, they always look happy to be involved. But I wouldn't expect it, and not everyone else does.

Ffs, no invite = not wanted there, so dont ask.

have half the posters just arrived from the moon or something.

It’s really rude. I even find asking to bring siblings a bit rude tbh because there’s an expectation you have to say yes even if you don’t want to. And I feel for the kids who never get to do anything without their siblings tagged on or being the one tagging along (this was me as a child).

There's loads of soft plays round this way, one is exclusive hire for a party and paid for per person, so it would be rude to turn up with siblings to this one as it's closed to the public, the siblings would be classed as public. The other soft play would remain open and you can pay extra for a sibling, I still would not allow my unvited child to go in to the party room and expect food.

However, in the past, a couple of people have dropped out the morning of said party and I have text those parents I know have siblings to say, Billy is not well so you're welcome to bring Tom's brother along.

It is but it’s also quite horrible for a child to be at a party but not allowed food (I’m assuming close in age to the actual guest) and not allowed food parents can find someone to look after siblings. If it’s a drop off party you can eliminate this problem

Also

Although my DS did once join, uninvited, a party - I’m still not totally sure if it was a genuine error as the birthday boy had the same first name as one of his friends or he was chancing his arm a bit but he sat down and sang happy birthday with great gusto to the kid and was given a party bag and cake … which I did return when he came to me very pleased with himself.

Your uninvited child shouldn't have got that far, you should have stopped him getting the party bag and cake in the first place as he could have taken that from another party guest. The soft play may have done them and only had the exact number.

There is more than one trampoline park in the country, pretty sure of that.

This place sometimes 🙄

Not wanted at a trampoline park? Tough, unless you're hiring the place there will be other children there. You can't insist other parents don't buy a ticket for their sibling.

"Not wanted there" is so weird a concept to me. Often where numbers are limited it's through cost or convenience, not because the host specifically doesn't want them there.