AIBU - siblings at parties!

[Cat345]

AIBU to think it's outrageous to bring a sibling to a party and then put them on the table to eat with all the kids that were actually invited. Then take cake and party bag for them!? I would never do this but I don't know if I'm being mean about it.

I wouldn’t do it but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Can’t believe a parent would feel like this unless very put out or financially strapped in which case you could just say “I’m so sorry , I don’t have enough party bags. There’s always food left over . In fact when we have play dates I usually invite siblings so parents can have @Cat345 you made another child very happy , it’s a good thing. Was it just one extra person ?

It’s rude to ask as it puts the host in a difficult position. We started parties when they started school and they were drop off and go so parents had no excuse in trying to bring a sibling.
When they were young, DT’s had joint all class parties so we had about 40 guests - I definitely wasn’t going to agree to siblings. DT’s wanted a party with their friends and not their friends family.

Good for you..here is a clap full for admiration for you for being able to afford to send your kids to a school with very few kids per class.
We are talking about kids in schools with 30-32 in the class's (where they probably still learn more and better than in your money pit)..

Well a playdate is just the same as birthday in terms of both the amount of effort and how special it is.

I also bet those playdates with siblings are for where it's a playdate for you with the mum rather than freely chosen by the child.

Indeed decided by their CF parent (not the birthday child nor the birthday child's family). As a very small courtesy and to help save the atmosphere, dynamics and effort for the host, the CF should at least keep them by their side and not have them joining in with stuff. In a situation, for instance, hall + entertainer - how does the entertainer then know who's a guest and who is not (some go around trying to involve kids on the sidelines), so we are back to square one they shouldn't be there in the first place.
Or if we are doing premade food boxes or ordering pizza for certain number - do we pay for an extra whole pizza for this kid. Or a billion other scenarios.
If not invited, do not crowbar your way in.

I was all ready to blame the extra siblings for when poor Noah's gluten free meal which I'd ordered specially got ransacked, but it turns out it was Sophia's dad.

CF crowbarring typical persona
-2 involved parents at home who are off work at the weekend
-Two sets of grandparents living locally and very involved, plus other family and friends with kids
-Affluent or very afflluent
-Invited kid age 7,8, 9, mature for.their age, being on sleepovers from young age, left at home, and free access to.screens and media
-lists mosts ridiculous allergies and preferences
-no SEN in kids
-giver of £3.5 present

-does whenever there is an opportunity to maximise things for.themselves
-does it to people they deem unimportant for their social climbing, consistentlj
-will ask a day or two before the party so you are trapped not able to say no and invite your kids actual friends instead.

-will not be reciprocal during their own kids birthday

Apologies for random formatting

Yes then take both kids to the trampoline place independently and don't claim you are part of the party. You are invited to a birthday, not to a random meet up in a trampoline place.
The same way you wouldn't bring your sister to your friends birthday he didn't invite her to just because it's in a pub and a pub is for everyone.
You can do whatever you like, and I'm sure you will, judging by your tone, but tbe OP, asked if its outrageous and rude and we are saying that its yes outrageous and rude. And I can assure you that people who think like you are entitled takers. Everyone like that was purely about themselves. Think of other people, at least occasionally.

To those "it's okay to ask" askers- when are you doing your asking? Because if you are doing it a few days or even a week before the party - it's too late for the host to say "no" and they are forced to say yes because then if you say you can't make it since you can't bring the extra kids, they are stuck unable to invite another friend. In a scenario of small numbers, this may be a disaster for the kid and the dynamics.
Rude all around. That's why we have manners - it works. Try it.

The parents started tucking into the kid’s party meals??

People who think like me, who allow people to bring siblings to parties I pay for, are takers? I think that's giving, you seem to be confused.

But it's not taking either, to pay for a child to go to a trampoline park at the same time as a party happens to be on. What's being taken there?

The problem is, though, that there is a certain kind of person who assume that it doesn't apply to them.

It must mean parents who just fancy bringing a sibling; it doesn't mean special parents like me who haven't got childcare, have a useless husband, can't be bothered to make it work or are just generally for more important tha n everybody else.

There are a lot of double yellow lines on the roads near my DS's school and the traffic is stacked right back most mornings, because of parents who park there anyway and seriously block the flow.

They are special, only going to be a few minutes, in a hurry, need to get to work afterwards, running late, the first people to ever have children who go to a school or whatever.

Rules are for other people; but not for them.

But even if it's somewhere that's also open to the public, the party children will usually leave to go to a private room/area afterwards for food.

When the staff member says "Everybody who is here for Olivia's party, come this way, please", how realistic is it that uninvited siblings won't tag along too - especially if the kids are all still young enough to need supervising and the parent can't be in two places at once?

Attention for and from the birthday child for example, you'll be supervising the sibling rather than just the invited kjd, the invited kid is more likely to play with sibling than with the birthday child, different ages change the dynamic, the host will feel obliged to invite them into a party room or you'll simply make people feel awkward if not. Will your uninvited sibling want to follow the invited one in the party, therefore joining the party which will change the dynamic.
And why if You are bringing your other kids did other parents go through the pain of organising childcare for their other kids?
You motivation herr is to have a day out for all your kids and own convenience.
I'm sure you'll tell me how none of this will happen...
If you are the one doing the inviiing its up to.you if you tell them to bring siblings - its very differewnt to someone just bringing them or asking to bring them.
Do you bring your own siblings to.your friends and colleagues parties if they weren't invited? You should start doing it. But you won't because they matter. You are doing it because that kid and her birthday don't matter to you that much to be respectful of their invitation. You know it and we know it.

I always leave my younger DS at home when his older brother attends a birthday party. The exception was yesterday because the mum (who is also a friend) asked if my younger boy wanted to come. She had prepared party bags and food for him too.

They normally pre-order individual hot meals where we are, so the extra child only gets food if the parent buys it.

Both parks by us feed the kids in the public cafe. Parents regularly eat there alongside the party table. They're not allowed adults on the park to supervise them.

The issue where we are is the closest park is 30mins from the school so it's not worth dropping and going, it's also in the middle on an industrial estate so there's nowhere nearby to entertain extra kids. It's no big deal.

It's just bad manners.

Cross posted but I've covered your points in my answer anyway.

Clearly my parties aren't as elitist as others.

My eldest DD is friends with an autistic boy. Every time he's gone to her parties when they were little, he always brought his older sister. If he can't bring his older sister, his mum doesn't let him go to the party. But the sister never demanded a party bag or a cake, she just came to look out for him.
And that's fine with me, the sister is nice

That's lovely!

If you really see a guest list as elitist, there’s no arguing with you.
Bonkers.

It’s never ok to just turn up with a sibling in tow if you’re planning to stay.

As far as asking the host goes, I think it depends on the circumstances. My DC are both autistic and won’t stay at parties unless I do, and sometimes DH just isn’t available to leave one of them with. If it’s a particular friend who’d be really upset at not having DD/DS there , and I knew the parents reasonably well, then I’d explain the circumstances and if it was soft play or something I’d offer to pay for the other child to stay and Id insist on sorting their own food. If it was a general class party or I didn’t know the parent that well, I’d probably just say no to going.

There's always been enough parents around that the siblings can stay with someone in the main bit. Been to plenty of parties at soft play where siblings came and were said for by their parents and nobody has ever gatecrashed the meal room.

Of course it's rude and entitled to include a child who wasn't invited.

Bringing a sibling with you is fine, when you are dealing with normal parents, they keep the siblings, and bring books/ tablets/ snacks and keep the sibling well away from the party.

Siblings take turn too, they understand that it's not their party, next time it will be reversed and their siblings will be waiting on the side.

When it makes no difference if the sibling is there, you are fine. When it somehow becoming a thing, then it's not acceptable. Sadly CF are everywhere.

I see it as elitist when despite the venue being public, you resent the presence of a paid for sibling. It's not about money or food, so is it that you are enjoying the exclusion? Kids don't care if there are other kids around. Not once have my kids complained about extras, not once ever. It's not a golf club, it's 7 year olds on trampolines. Let them play.