I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Do you offer to babysit? Do you think DIL might want a break?

I do babysit for them about once a month or so. I think she does need a break but I think for her it was about the principle that I took my son out on a Saturday to treat him and that left her another day of being alone having to be responsible for my granddaughter. She told me it told her I only recognize my son’s hard work as a father and contribution to the family and she felt confused why I didn’t offer to babysit my granddaughter and let them two go out to the baseball game instead of me taking my son.

She felt everyone would have won I would get my GD all to myself for a few hours and she and my son would get some time together on a date baby free. She said what her hurt her the most was the discrepancy and that she felt I took her for granted while elevating my son saying he needs a break when she does to. And it hurt her feelings. I apologized and said I will try to support them both as parents and a couple and I love her and would never intentionally take her for granted.

I'm a grandmother. Most people I know would have offered to babysit and got them a couple present. The best thing would be to support their relationship. You got it wrong, it says a lot that she can be honest with you, though.

I definitely agree I messed up as a MIL and I should be tailoring my treats to support them as a couple and not acknowledging my son’s role in working hard as a father and provider while overlooking all my DIL’s hard work. I already apologized to my DIL and I agree that it says a lot that she felt she could be 100% honest with me and lay it all out on the table

Did you at least check with your DIL that she was available to look after your grandchild? Or did you just expect her as the default parent to be there to provide childcare while you and the other parent went out having fun? Was there any appreciation that her time was required in order to facilitate this treat for your son?

I agree that you were thoughtless. Also agree that it's a good thing your communication is open enough for DIL to have told you what was wrong, and it does sound like you've apologised appropriately. Now, of course, you need to follow that through by giving them some adult time together.

Also maybe encourage your son to pull his weight a bit more at home? This little fall-out could prove to be the trigger for a more mutually supportive home life there, if he is able to hear what his wife is saying.

Is she going back to worn at some point? Do her parents babysit?

I checked with my son and he said it was fine so I went off of what he said but I agree my actions showed I took her for granted and I should have invited either my DIL and GD as well to make it a family outing or offer for my son and DIL to go to the game together while i babysit my GD. I did apologize to my DIL for that

I’m not sure I haven’t asked as it isn’t really my business if she is going back to work. But I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. And yes her parents babysit once every other week or so

I already apologized to my DIL and I agree that it says a lot that she felt she could be 100% honest with me and lay it all out on the table

Surely all sorted then?

I think this hit a sore spot for DIL as it sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at home. As you babysit once a month already, you do help. And it is okay for you to go out wjth your son too. I think it is great that she was able to speak to you, you have taken it on board and already have a plan in place so she has a break. But may the crux of it is she feels swamped and sees an imbalance that needs to be navigated in their relationship

This is the sort of thing my MIL did. She didn't take her own DD out for a break either, just her poor DS. You got it wong.

I think you should look after baby so they can go on a date. Then maybe take DDIL out for a day treat while your DS looks after the baby. Then you will have treated them equally. Even just for a lunch or afternoon tea, or something like that. Obviously ask her if that is something she would like to do. I take my. DDIL out without DS if he is busy with his friends and I enjoy her company and I hope she enjoys mine.

I don’t get why this is your fault and not your son’s. Could he not have politely declined and asked if you could babysit instead? How much time does he look after the grandchild at weekends to give her time to pursue her own interests?

I think it’s that and that she was hurt I only treated my son for his role in the family unit and not her role she prob felt as a DIL I overlooked her while elevating my son. So I did apologize to my DIL and moving forward I will pay for them to have a date day/night together and babysit my GC or treat their whole family. My son is a married father and I have trouble letting go sometimes so the days of treating just him and not including his wife are behind me. I have to recognize my son is part of his own family unit now and a husband and father first. I think she was also hurt I didn’t reciprocate with her and take her out for a girly activity

I think it was the principle that I took my son out individually for his role in his family while taking for granted and overlooking my DIL’s role in the family so it was about my personal relationship with her in my DIL’s words. I definitely see where she is coming from so I apologized and moving forward I will give them time alone as a married couple and offer to babysit my GC to give them that alone time together

Yes! I think it’s the fact I took just my son out as well for his efforts within the family and didn’t offer the same to my DIL so I think I will reach out to her and offer to take her out for lunch one weekend

I don't know why it has to be for "his role in the family;" you're allowed to have a day out with your son just because you want to spend time with him.

If she wants you to babysit for a date night she can always ask. How often do her parents babysit?

You don’t have to pay for it. Just facilitate it.

This, why shouldn’t a mum sometimes spend time with her son?? And I’m saying this as a DIL

No I think you misunderstood the reason I treated my son to this was to give him a reprieve from his bush job bc he’s been under a lot of work stress lately. My DIL felt overlooked bc she said being a SAHM being responsible for all the household things and caring for a 6 month old which she doesn’t get a break from was not acknowledged and I only was seeing and caring about my son’s hard work instead of them as a couple. I see where she is coming from and apologized and said I will do a family outing from now on including my DIL and GD. Or offer to babysit so they get time together. I see where my DIL is hurt and I’m honestly glad she felt comfortable to be open and forward with me about her feelings. She maybe felt hurt I didn’t offer to do something with her. I’m going to reach out to her to offer to take her to lunch one Saturday

Again, it was the reason I gave that made my DIL feel unseen overlooked and taken for granted. I’m honestly glad she felt able to be open with me that’s a sign she feels comfortable with me as family which is great. It’s a lot better than the alternative option of stewing in resentment towards me. Maybe she is hurt I didn’t offer to take her out and spend MIL/DIL time with her and only offered it to my son. Like I’m elevating him above her instead of them as a unit. That wasn’t my intention. I’m going to reach out to my DIL to offer to take her to lunch one Saturday

She sounds hard work and with a lot to say for herself.

I think you sound like a lovely MIL and that is also shown by the fact DIL spoke to you about the disparity, and that you are taking the comments on this thread onboard.

Going against the grain here as a MIL, although not as a grandma yet.

You babysit once a month for them, DIL's parents baby sit every couple of weeks. That's pretty good going imo.

I'd say that if DIL wants an afternoon away from the baby she could have a jolly with her mum whilst your DS babysits.

I think your DIL's being a bit bratty and entitled to be honest. My DIL has daughter time with her family; similarly DS occasionally has son time with us. Sometimes when they are in London DS will come to us Fr/Sat and she'll go to her parents and either DS will go to theirs on the Saturday or she'll come to ours.