I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I don’t think a baseball game would’ve angered me as a wife, but I loved my MIL.
Could you gift them a weekend of babysitting or something? I’m just spitballing here.
Or what if you gave her her own day off - a spa day with you or a fun day of shopping and lunch?
Something to show her you think she’s special too & you think she deserves a break.
An act of that sort might go a long way - although I don’t know your DiL
Kindness always goes a long way. ❤️

I think this is partly wrong. You are allowed to have time alone with your son and to treat him, there shouldn’t be an issue with that at all. But I would also treat your DIL too and offer to babysit for dates or have your DG overnight.

You are a mother in law. Hence 3 posts on 1st page?

Right exactly! We are essentially saying the same thing. I think my DIL was hurt I treated my son and had individual time with him and recognized his hard work for his family and didn’t offer the same for her. When someone is married everyone should be treated pretty much equally. When I didn’t offer to do something another day with my DIL she was thinking I thought we were close yet she only recognized my husband. I apologized to my DIL and I just texted her offering to take her out to lunch sometime soon

You’re fine to spend 1:1 time with your son but no need to dress it up as a reward for something. You could always take your son and grandchild out together to give your DIL a break. She clearly needs some respite and likely feels unseen.

A lot to say for herself? What do you mean by that? She told me how she felt which is a great sign for our relationship that instead of harboring resentment towards me she openly talked out her feelings with me. I messed up I acknowledged that without my DIL it would be much harder for my son to do what he does and I took her for granted. If I’m recognizing my son and treating him I should do the same for my DIL at some point. I just texted her offering to take her for lunch

Sorry?

Well I’m close to my DIL and it was prob the principle for her that I’m taking my son out bc he works hard and she was thinking what the hell his hard work is acknowledged and not mine parenthood is a team effort. Why does he deserve a break and I don’t when I’m home with a young baby all day long and taking care of the household. I’m really happy she felt comfortable enough with me to be honest about her feelings

You took your son out on a Saturday.
That means your DIL was looking forward to some weekend time for herself, while your son looked after the baby. Presumably he works Mon to Fri.

But you took him out instead!
No wonder she's annoyed.

I think she was hurt I treated my son and didn’t reciprocate and do the same for her bc we are close so I think it caught her off guard. I apologized to her and I just texted her asking if I could take her out to lunch sometime soon

Whilst I voted you were being unreasonable the more I've read the more I can see it from all sides. As much as having a baby is a transition for the parents, it's also a transition for the wider family, especially those that play a role in their relatives every day lives. I think it's lovely she was able to approach you with how she was feeling and also lovely that you're already thinking of ways to makes things better both for your daughter in law and the family unit.
They're very lucky to have you and her parents.

Right she did mention that to me as well. She said they only get time the 3 of them on the weekends and not only did me rewarding and treating my son cut into their time as a family but it also made her do the solo parenting thing again and also cut into time that could be used where I babysit and they have a date day so they could have time as husband and wife

That’s the father’s responsibility not the OP’s.

OP, you’re a mil so are the default spawn of satan on here.

Contrary to the MN narrative, you are entitled to spend time with your son, and given you said you do babysit regularly it’s not as if you’re not an involved grandparent.

You did nothing wrong.

Thank you so much! Yes! I realize I messed up and that my son isn’t the only one working hard I should be acknowledging them as a team and I just texted my DIL to see if she wants to meet for lunch

It does not sound so bad. I cannot believe this couple gets help from both sides and there is complaining. This is coming from someone who has a toddler at the moment and never had help from either side, ever.

When MIL visits as a guest and I have prepared the food, play the role of hostess and looking after DC because MIL doesn’t play with DC (she only has ability to lift a coffee cup filled with coffee I made), she makes a fuss how amazing of a dad DH is and says this in cards or gives DC a book that is from a dad’s point-of-view.

I’m privately a little eye-rolling because realistically, I do most of the load and work full-time. But I smile and say what lovely presents. I’ve never had anyone from my parents or MIL tell me what a great role I am doing. I think there is an element that is taken for granted when a mum.

I have also told MIL she’s a great mum and grandmother so she feels warm and fuzzy. But I stopped that since I never get any acknowledgment as a DIL, DH’s wife or a mum to her grandchild.

I realised at the end of the day, MIL doesn’t need to include me in her report card of who is doing a good job.

Why do I get the feeling that this is a reverse? 🤨

Come now. When we had a six month old baby, admittedly 30 years ago now, staying at home and playing was much much easier than dh's 12 hour, high pressure days. So he got some him time, he used to go to football anyway on Saturday afternoons and I never minded because he needed it. I got a lie in on Saturday mornings.

I really don't think the OP did anything wrong.

I am also going against the grain.

Many adult daughters see their parents individually. Why any different?

Sounds like the two of you going out is very rare and normally you baby-sit? Is this a one off? Surely a mother can go to one game/match with her adult child without being made to feel they've done wrong? Especially when that grandparent baby-sits (for free I'm presuming?) monthly so that her son & DIL can go out? I think DIL is taking her own frustration out in the wrong place.

Looking back, I realize I didn't think about how my actions would affect my DIL. Taking my son to a baseball game was meant to celebrate his hard work, but it ended up adding to her childcare responsibilities and taking away from her limited time with her husband. She's right; parenting is a team effort, and I shouldn't overlook her contributions. I'm glad she spoke up and expressed her feelings. To make amends, I offered to treat her to lunch and let her know I value and appreciate her role in the family. I learned a valuable lesson about considering the impact of my actions on everyone involved, especially as a grandmother and mother-in-law. To view how it would affect the whole family unit and not just focus in on my son. To embrace my new role as grandmother

Meh my DIL is right it’s shitty to acknowledge the hard word of one parent. Ar keeps my son goes home and gets a break from work she doesn’t get a break from being a mother and I didn’t acknowledge my DIL’s hard work not to mention during the very limited time they have as an immediate family I cut into that. I should have invited them all out or acknowledged my DIL’s hard work. I just texted her apologizing again and offered to take her to lunch next Saturday

And I don’t want to make that same mistake with my DIL. Taking for granted what she does as a mom while elevating my son up on a pedestal for what he does. I’m also a self proclaimed feminist and here I am doing the opposite by praising a father for doing what is expected of him and taking the mother for granted

This

I do too. I think "MIL" is defending DIL and criticising herself too much.

My DIL is hurt about the reason I gave my son a reprieve and left her with the baby alone again not to mention they have very limited immediate family time so by not inviting my DIL and GD I took her husband away from her on the limited time they have. I also didn’t recognize her hard work and her role in the family only my sons which as a feminist we all know how much it sucks having the mother taking for granted while elevating the father. I apologized to my DIL and offered to take her out for lunch next Saturday

I don’t think I’m wrong to want to spend time alone with my son. But it’s the day I chose and not thinking about the affect it would put on my DIL and cutting into their limited time together. Also if I’m offering to treat my son for being a good father I should be treating my DIL for being a good mother which I apologized for and I offered to take her to lunch. It’s not the spending alone time with my son I think I’m wrong for it’s day day I chose and how I went about it and not even thinking about the affect on my DIL.