I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Such drama!

Millions of people are under pressure at work everyday but their mommies don’t take them for a break from it all. And again he is a grown man not a 16 year old needing to be rewarded for keeping up his grades while working his job at pizza planet on the side. He is doing what is expected of a husband and father. By the logic of he is under pressure at work you can use the same logic that the DIL is under pressure at home with her husband working all these extra hours that’s more time she is alone raising the baby and maintaining the house. So it’s a 2 way street. When people are married these things have a domino affect on the whole household not just on the husband. Why couldn’t MOL recognize this and take the family out for the afternoon together instead of deciding her son’s stress was more deserving of TLC then her DIL’s. Her DIL staying at home with her child is saving them a shit load in day care fees enabling the husband to save money and also give him piece of mind to work those extra hours bc daycare closes but the job of mom doesn’t. Not to mention not worrying about how his baby is being treated at daycare.

her being upset about you taking your son out if you give them monthly time to themselves as a couple seems a bit ridiculous to me. The problem is more that she’s not taking her own time and leaving your son with the kids. Saying that as someone that was a sahm for years, she needs to start getting out, as men do start thinking of them being entitled to time off the woman ‘not working’ so ‘why do you need time off’. This is a them problem, not you, definitely offer them time but that doesn’t mean you give up time with your own son either (I don’t know how to phrase this diplomatically though!!!)

I dont think anyone is wrong in this scenario. You do help out and give them both a break and are entitled to spend time with your son alone. Does your DIL get any time to herself. It may just have hit a nerve rewarding your son alone, has anyone ever done the same for her? What age is your grandchild? If it's in the toddler stage it can be very overwhelming and she may just need some extra support.

i think you sound like a lovely MiL that your DiL can be honest with you like that, and you are allowed to have some time just with your son, he’s your son! Does your DiL see her mum on her own, does her mum babysit? As long as you do offer to babysit on a regular basis so they can have couple time, which it looks like you do, then I don’t see you did anything wrong! It’s tough being a stay at home mum but it’s also tough being financially responsible for a family.

I mean isn’t that the point of the conversation so that it resonates with her. I think it’s a bit weird to just recognize your son’s stress but not your DIL especially when your DIL is the one with the baby most days so the one day she gets a reprieve bc her husband is home her MIL decides to not invite her yet again leaving her alone with the baby. MIL could have made it into a nice family outing instead she had to exclude her DIL and GD.

I guess I’m not sure why she has to separate out her son and DIL they are a married unit. What does her DIL being there take away from spending time with her son?

Sorry what?? DS babysits? His own child?

you mean parents his own offspring

Meant to add of course mils should recognise and have time with both son and dil but just because her son gets married doesn’t mean they never have one on one time again, he’s her son! And saying son looks a bit run down at the mo is the inherent thing that starts when you give birth, you can worry about the dil and yes help her out but it’s not the same. It’s like yesterday on mn someone quoted the daughter is a daughter for life, son is a son until ge gets a wife thing- what rubbish!!! His wife is another form of family, it’s not an either or/ one is more important thing!

Her own son is a grown man! Why are posters so hell bent that the OP needs all this time with her son without his wife?? I’m not sure how his wife being there changes things and take away from it. If she is telling her son things to keep secret from his wife that’s inappropriate. His wife is her DIL now part of her family as well. Seems like mom can’t cut the apron strings. Also I’m sick of reading the word entitled. “Oh she is entitled to time alone with her son.” No one is ENTITLED to anyone’s time. And even more so when that person is married with a young baby that time is even more limited

Well done. It’s good that you’ve all been so candid with one another. Sounds like a lovely family. It’s great that you can see the bigger picture now. It’s also ok for you to have one on one time with your son at times which is important too.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your son, and with your DIL as well because she told you honestly what she thinks. You all seem to be open and honest with each other - a rare thing in families in my experience, you can count yourself lucky!
It's fine to do something with your son but make sure you balance it out by giving your DIL time to herself. I'd also have a chat about your son about pulling his weight at home because it sounds like he doesn't do enough.
It's normal to feel annoyed by what your DIL said because no one likes being criticised, especially when you feel you were doing the best you can.

Read the OP. “He’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break”
What a good boy he is.
OP has reflected and realised why her DIL may have been a bit pissed off if that was the way it was framed.

I disagree with the majority. You said you babysit. Why can’t a mother have a random night out with her son? If my husband wanted to rake his mum out or she wanted to treat him I would think it her prerogative. Sounds like you are supportive and caring. You can babysit another night but you do have a right to spend time with your own child. It’s also not your job to check that she is available to care for her own kid, it’s your son’s job to discuss it with his wife and endure she doesn’t have plans if he is out. I understand DIL is frazzled, tired and stressed. Doesn’t mean you can’t treat your own son.

Nope when you make vows to someone that person becomes your immediate family and absolutely comes first. What wife wants to be placed second behind a man’s mother?? And the husband looks tired after the wife giving birth. Give me a freaking break!! His wife is the one who carried this baby in her body for 9 months and pushed a whole ass human out of her vagina irrecoverably changing her body forever but her husband is tired from it all and deserves a break I officially heard it all

But why does the son get treated or his hard word and stressed but not the DIL? Also you keep saying her own son and her RIGHT. No one has a RIGHT to anyone’s time esp when she is only recognizing her son and not her DIL’s efforts and hard work

“Mommy”, “Grown man”. That type of language suggests bias. It should be perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that jobs can be stressful to adults and supporting a child doesn’t end at 18.

We have no idea what hours this man works, or whether the DIL being with baby is saving the household money.

We do know there is one baby, a couple who get regular childcare from both parents.

ForBusyZebra

no nobody’s entitled to anyone’s time but the cutting the apron strings thing is always said and I don’t think it’s a big deal for people to go out with family, it doesn’t have to be a thing- I go for lunches with my mum dh sees his too. I go on road trips with my brother who has autism or I visit my other brother and also my sister (though not enough) dh never says ‘but you married me! It’s me you should be spending time with!’

And I want to add that she should make it clear to her DIL that she spoke to her son about stepping it up at home. This is her husband she has a right to know what is said to him about the running of their family and household. It doesn’t need to be some secret conversation

I think the point is you gave her MORE work. Another day of solo parenting without even asking her.
she sounds unappreciated and your son is on wobbly ground.
she probably doesn’t want to go to lunch with you really, she wants your son to step up so she can have a break

We do know it’s saving the household money automatically bc the baby isn’t in daycare. It’s not just the son who is stressed again him working extra hours means that’s more hours the DIL is alone with the baby caring for hr. But as per usual shocker the woman is overlooked and forgotten about and taken for granted. it’s sad it has to be spelled out to her own MIL. Who is close family who she should be able to count on as a fellow mother figure to see that. Mil was obviously once a new mother at some point

And isn’t that his wife role to support her husband? He is working to support his family not his mother so what does she have to do with this? If I’m the wife and my MIL is taken my husband out bc he works lots of hours and is stressed I would be like that’s our family business and as his wife I’m the one who would take him out on date nights and such to de stress and support him not having “dates” with his mother. How odd

Who thinks he’s an awesome dad?
Doesn’t sound like his wife does.

And he went off to the baseball without even checking who was looking after his child. Doesn’t sound awesome to me.

This thread reminded me of the song such a good dad

One of the many strange things about this thread for me is that the title is so at odds with the OP’s content.

Title: ‘I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DiL’.

OP’s content (on repeat): ‘DiL said a thing, she was right, I apologized, I’ve offered to take her for lunch, I’m a feminist, I get it, it’s good she can talk to me.’

So yeah, it’s a funny old (repetitive) thread. One might even say, weird and discordant.