I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I agree. I’m now a grandmother and I should be focusing on supporting both parents and the family unit as a whole. I did apologize to my DIL

I think you did a nice thing with your son. He checked that there would be childcare.

You already look after the little one monthly and seem like you're happy to do care for your grandchild more often if required.

Don't beat yourself up about it. You're a decent mother looking after your sons welfare. Your daughter in law gets a lot of help from her parents so nothing to worry about.

YANBU you ask the person you are taking out and that person discusses it with thier spouse surely? Would DIL's mother discuss plans with OP's DS before taking her out? Of course she wouldn't! If my mum asked permission from DH to take me out I would find it a bit odd to be honest, I'll ask DH if he is OK to take the DCs.

DILs issue is with her DH, if she needs him to step up she needs to discuss that with him, if she wants OP to do more babysitting than she is already doing she needs to ask her. Not tell her off for wanting to do something nice with her child every so often.

My DIL was hurt though I didn’t acknowledge them together because parenting is a team effort I only recognized my son’s role in his family. I should be recognizing my DIL as well she is my DIL and the mother of my GC. My son is a grown man I guess checking on his welfare is a bit much for people who do the exact same thing everyday millions. I did apologize to my DIL and to even things out I offered to treat her to lunch on Saturday. My son got a day out a reprieve so should she.

It’s that I didn’t do anything with her as well. They are both parents who should be treated equally. If I acknowledge my son’s role I should acknowledge my DIL they are a family unit and married. I apologized to my DIL and offered to take her to lunch next Saturday. My son got a reprieve so should she. She didn’t tell me off she expressed her feelings to me instead of harboring resentment. She spoke openly to me about her feelings which is what family does

I agree. I’m now a grandmother and I should be focusing on supporting both parents and the family unit as a whole. I did apologize to my DIL

I am so confused as to why you started this thread let alone how it’s continued so long.

But you aren't her Mother. I suppose all DIL / MIL relationships are different, but no way would I want a 'girly' day with my MIL. I think she imagined is shopping together etc but she isn't my Mother. You should be able to take your son out whenever you want. If him being away on a Saturday annoyed her then she could have arranged a day where he minds the kids while she goes out and has a break. Can you imagine him getting annoyed with her Father because he takes her out for the day and doesn't take him out to do man things together? Too much pressure is put on the MIL / DIL relationship in my opinion. It's a bit sexist because men aren't expected to have the same relationship. Are you in America? Maybe that's why this is such a close relationship. Maybe there are different expectations there.

Reverse.

To be honest I’m not even sure. Just to be t I guess? Or to talk things over?

Yes we are in America. It’s that my son and DIL have limited time together with their busywork schedules and I took her husband away from her and their child during their precious time together as their little family immediate family unit and not only that I didn’t invite them. It should have been me saying you know what how can I support the family unit as a whole. Clearly they are both in the throes of parenting working let’s do something nice for them to spend time together. I’ll babysit while my son and DIL go to a game together or do an activity just for them they could both use it. My son did reiterate to my his wife was upset with him about this as well and said she felt he should have stuck up for her and not left her alone with the baby. He should have told me mom we don’t get much time together as husband wife and baby this cuts into our already limited time together can you babysit so we can go out or we can all go to the game together

My in-laws do things with my husband without me, why would that be an issue? And I am using me as an example i mean anyone's

There are two issues here that need separating. Either she’s mad because you rewarded your son for working hard (and not her) or she’s mad because you took him away from sharing the burden of being a parent. If it’s the first I guess you can balance it out with a treat for her (although I would put money on her parents doing things for her alone and I bet they don’t ever reward your son separately the way you are planning to with your DIL). If it’s the second then I presume your son and DIL would have had a conversation about him going out with his mum and it would have been agreed between them, if not that is an issue between them and nothing to do with your invitation.

You don’t mention the age of your granddaughter I don’t think? Is there a chance your DIL is struggling? Possible PND? If so it would be kind of you to offer some extra support to them/her. But I still don’t think spending time with your own child should be strictly on a quid pro quo basis with your DIL. Perhaps you could take your son and granddaughter out or have them to stay to give your DIL a break if she would welcome that? If not you may have to accept it is an all in one package for a while and DIL comes too?

I’m not a MIL yet. I hope my children find wonderful partners and we become a close extended family, but the thought of never being able to spend time alone with one of my children again makes me grieve.

Yes they are parents but they are still individuals too and they are both allowed to do things separate to the family so long as they get equal opportunities go do so. Is her own mother around? Does she not go out with her?

I would find it very odd indeed if DH expected my mum to devote equal time to both me and him. Sometimes a parent wants to spend a little time with thier child as an individual.

I think it was both to be honest. She expressed to me that being a parent is a team effort and it’s crappy to acknowledge my son’s hard work and stress as a father and overlook the stress and hard work she has as a mother. She said mothers get taken for granted enough and it hurt that her own MIL completely overlooked that. She is home with a 6 month old and she said it’s not easy being at home all day with the baby no adult interaction and then also that on a Saturday when their own immediate family has their limited time together I took her husband away from her making her again solo parent. She said at least my son clocks out from his job she never gets to clock out. She agreed it was up to her husband to make sure it was ok with her but as her MIL I shouldn’t have completely overlooked how this treat for my son would add more work onto her. I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to speak up to me and be honest about her feelings. That’s a great sign for our relationship that she doesn’t harbor resentment

Is that what having a baby is like? Staying home and playing all day? I'm always told it's incredibly hard work but this sounds like a doddle.

My MIlL tried to do similar when our kids were babies but it was to make a passive aggressive point. We both work and my husband isn’t a nob so contributes fairly but she is old fashioned (misogynistic) and thought that he deserved many breaks as having a penis should exclude him from all household and childcare tasks and he must be exhausted by doing nursery runs
etc. Luckily he didn’t take her up on the offers (she has never done childcare for us so
wouldn't offer that).

Yes! That’s how I realized I came across which is ironic because I’m a self proclaimed feminist and hate fathers being elevated for doing what is expected of them while mothers get taken for granted for everything they do. A lot unseen behind the scenes things. That’s what my DIL not in so many words expressed to me. She also said she felt I was infantilizing my son by taking him out to a ball game rewarding him when he is a married man and a father and doing what is expected of a married man and father. Things millions of people do everyday. Almost like he was 12 years old again and completed all his chores so mommy is going to take him to a ball game as a special reward. She said it just gave her the ‘ick’ now my son is saying his wife is right

I'm shocked you didn't think about how your actions would affect your DIL. By taking your son to a baseball game without offering to watch the baby, you left her to solo-parent yet again. And let's not forget, with your son working long hours, their weekends are probably precious bonding time for their little family unit. Meanwhile, your DIL is working just as hard, if not harder, taking care of the household and the baby 24/7. By not recognizing her contributions and instead giving your son a special treat, it feels like you're valuing his efforts over hers, which is not only thoughtless but also misogynistic. It's like you only considered your son's needs and ignored the impact on your DIL and their family dynamics.

Your dil is mad at the wrong person. She's got a DH problem.
Yes it was probably a bit insensitive for you to take your son out and not think of treating your DIL as well, but ultimately her DH should of not gone with you..
All I'm seeing is a man who happily goes off on a Saturday with his mother and leaves his sahm wife to once again look after the house and baby.
He should be doing 50/50 housework during the week and childcare on the weekend. A sahm is a stay at home MOTHER, to the BABY, looking after the CHILD, not a trad wife doing everything so the man has an easy life at the woman's expense.

Meant to add I think her anger is misplaced. She's angry at you not just for this particular incident but as the mother of her DH..She is holding you partly responsible for raising a man who would use his wife in this way, who's attitude to her labour is Deeply misogynistic and that she's stuck in this hopeless situation.
She sounds like she's crying out for some feminist support and to be seen as an equal by her DH/your son.

Well your DIL nailed it right there.

I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date.

I bet your DIL gets all the daily grind and your son gets more of the nice bits than she does, so it sounds like it sticks in her craw that your son is Dad of the Year and her parenting doesn't get the same red carpet treatment.

The fact she mentioned that it cut into time you could have potentially babysat, on top of all the other points she made, make it sound like she was laying it on rather too heavily. Glad that you worked it out.

You offered to take your son out and it was up to him to say yes or no and would you babysit instead.

The daughter in law sounds really full of herself.

Oh no doubt it’s what u refer to as a micro aggression passive aggressiveness. MIL doesn’t even realize what she is doing is a passive aggressive move to her DIL’s thankless efforts. I'd be furious if my MIL took my husband out for a 'treat' without considering the impact on me and our family time. Newsflash: being a SAHM is a 24/7 job, and it's not just about childcare - it's about managing the household, too. Meanwhile, dads get to clock out when they go to work, and yet they're the ones getting rewarded for doing what they're supposed to do. I'd definitely be having words with my husband if he let that slide, and I'd never stand for being treated like a babysitter while he's coddled.

Going forward, I'd make it clear to my MIL that I expect more respect and consideration. If she wants to spend time with the grandbaby, she'd need to ask me, not just assume I'm available. And if she wants to treat my husband to something, she'd better make sure I'm included or get something for me too. I wouldn't tolerate being overlooked or taken for granted. It's time for her to recognize the value I bring to this family, not just as a mother but as a partner and a person.

Your DIL sounds like awesome - good for her!