I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I never called it the hardest job in the world. I said the most rewarding. It isn’t hard at all. It’s one of the easiest jobs because it’s fun and a privilege and I had 3. I’ve never enjoyed anything as much as spending all day with my kids, teaching them their colours, to read and write, teaching them how the world works. Where stuff comes from…I know grown women who think water comes from taps and kids that think milk comes from the supermarket. Not mine. They milked a cow, they went to the bus station to sit on a bus as it was washed and cleaned, they were they went on boats, went fishing, watched calves and lambs being born and knew where their mince came from. We went to as many places as we could…factories to watch milk being packaged for the shops for example. They learned things were made and how. They baked and cooked with me. They gathered eggs from hens and fed them. They incubated eggs into chicks. They helped pull lambs into the world. They could gut a fish before they went to school. We read books, splashed paint, went in canoes to see the seals on the rocks. So much more.

No one made me have children. I wanted them and I enjoyed every minute. Even when I was so tired at 6 weeks, because I knew it would not last and it broke my heart to send them to school.

This. Her precious bonding time and steadfast principles of unity went out the window pretty quickly when it suited her

She seems emotionally manipulative

I don’t feel like by listening to my DIL’s feelings and POVs that I was enabling her. It wasn’t so much about me hanging out one on one with my son that upset her it was the reason behind it and I could understand her point that having a family is a team effort and me not recognizing her hurt her feelings. We are close so it prob shocked her that I treated my son and not her. Anyways we are going to have a spa and go out for lunch next Saturday. And yes my son and DIL have treated me to dinners multiple times for babysitting and have given me nice gifts so they do reciprocate.

The enabling isn’t listening to her, it’s taking her for a spa day. All you’re doing is feeding her entitlement. It should be her mum treating her to even things up, not you. This will end up with you never being able to do things just for your boy.

I don’t think there is anything wrong in wanting to do something with your son. And you say you do babysit once a month.

That said, your DIL is clearly completely overwhelmed and crying out for help and so yes, offering more going forwards (if that is something you can and want to do would be great).

While doing that would be great, at the same time your DIL has to realise that your son is your son and so your primary concern will be with him and sometimes you may want to do things with you him alone. If she needs time alone then perhaps your son can do some solo evenings or days with the baby. Also, does she have her own parents?

Of course, there is a bigger issue here, which isn’t really yours to solve, though perhaps, if your son was aware of his wife’s response, you can bring up with him: he’s clearly doing nothing to help at home, not fathering and not pulling his weight. Or at least this is how your DIL is feeling at the moment. She sounds totally overwhelmed. Absolutely, your son is working hard in a stressful job, but we are no longer in times when the husband comes home from work puts his feet up in front of the telly and is waited on my a fawning wife. If he’s not, then he needs to man up and pull his weight around the house and with his wife and daughter. Perhaps he needs his mother to kindly point this out.

But I’m also her MIL. He isn’t a boy he is a grown man and I don’t want to come across like I’m babying him for doing what is expected for his family. It’s a hard call. Because I definitely see what you’re saying but I know as a MIL/grandmother my son is now part of his own family unit and I should be viewing it through the lens of supporting the family unit bc it isn’t just about him anymore.
I will definitely still do things one on one with my son but it won’t be phrased as a treat for working hard bc I can see why that phrasing rubbed my DIL the wrong way or came across like I’m infantilizing her husband

But if I point this out am I sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong into their marital affairs? again it’s a hard call. Yes my son is my primary concern but he is now part of a larger family unit and I should also care about my DIL as well and them as a family unit. I think she felt like I only cared about my son’s needs and stress and didn’t care about her.

Yes, absolutely. You’re rather between a rock and a hard place. Not easy!

Why do you guys think if a man had offered to take my son out no one would have batted an eye lid? If anything wouldn’t it be considered more sexist for a man to take another man out bc it gives the vibe of ughh we need a break from our women? I would think they would get their back up more

I think Dils are often jealous that their husband or partner has a relationship (albeit parental relationship) with their mother - there seems to be less angst around the husband's relationship with their Dad

Do you think there is more of an expectation to treat from the mother of a son to treat her son and his wife as a “a unit” hence watering down the relationship between a mother and a son after he is married than between a father and son or mother and daughter?

Haven’t read the full threads but I think it’s the son that’s most ‘at fault’ here. Sounds like he isn’t stepping up and isn’t understanding or ignoring how his wife feels. She’s clearly a good communicator ……

I don’t think we can all go around over thinking. You asked him totally the game as you thought it would be nice, HE should have said ‘no’ I feel I need to be at home, perhaps another time. Sounds like a
woman blaming another woman when in fact, as usual, it’s the man just thinking of his wants rather than those of the families needs.

Yes possibly

There's nothing wrong with spending time with your son. There would be nothing wrong with her mother spending time with her either. Does she tend to look for things to be offended about?

No advice but I LOVE your outlook on this situation. You seem like a great MIL and grandparent.

Im not a boomer

Your boy is always your boy. Mine certainly is and he’s 50 now.

What would you say if your DIL texted you what mine did and expected equal treatment to your son? Or do you view your DIL like another one of your children

What would I say? I’d say that I wanted to spend some time with my son and to treat him. I’d point out that she has a mother of her own who would probably enjoy spending time with her and doing something nice, why doesn’t she arrange to do that and I’d babysit. I certainly wouldn’t be manipulated into treating them equally because the woman in a partnership with my son isn’t and never will be my child.

would you ever spend time with her or view her as a family member and get to know her outside of being your son’s partner?

also what if your DIL asked to do something the 2 of you

Also interesting that you call her “the woman” in a partnership with your son rather than calling your DIL

Look, we’re never going to agree, are we? I don’t have a dil, my son isn’t married to his partner. Our relationship has developed over the ten years they’ve been together and we’re friends. She’s not my daughter and wouldn’t expect to be treated as such, she definitely wouldn’t demand anything of me. I think you’re on a hiding to nothing here and are being manipulated. You don’t. So carry on enabling her entitlement until you reach the point where it’s as obvious to you as it is to me. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

Awesome work MIL! You sound so great. They are lucky to have you. Enjoy the lunch with DIL ❤️

She’s not being bratty, she’s feeling under appreciated. Although, she needs to address this with her husband as it sounds like he clocks out of work and never clocks on to being a parent. Plus, any chores created when he’s home (dishes, laundry, needs a shirt ironing? Needs to be tackled by either/both depending on who’s available. The fact she takes on the mental load of everything and yet husband’s paid work is rewarded with praise/treats effectively belittles her hard work and contribution to the family. It’s one of the reasons men created the patriarchy - to use women for free labour whilst absolving themselves of parental/household responsibilities and elevating their own contribution to the direct denigration of hers. It’s ingrained in society, unfortunately. DIL’s openness and MIL’s recognition of DIL’s hurt is a great thing. They can fix this. Now time to let the husband know that DIL clocks off from solo household tasks when he clocks off from work.