I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Wild. Absolutely wild.

Feel sorry for the MIL, its nice to spend time with your children.
Also feel sorry for DIL - it doesn't sound like she's coping with normal life. Imagine all that help from family and this level of jealously over one time a MIL spends time with her son.
I read she has parents who babysit too. Wild.
The husband allegedly a good parent too.

Absolutely mindblowing.

Hopefully the MIL had a really good time with her son and DIL will get over it.

They can have that COUPLE TIME the once a month MIL babysits anyway and whenever her parents do.

Maybe DIL can ask her parents for some reassurance she's doing fine, or her DH. I forget people need reassurance but tbh the women I know are strong and get on with life. Reassurance? Celebration? DIL needs to discuss her needs with her DH.

Nope. DIL rightfully so called her MIL out on her toxic misogynistic BS. Why should dad like another poster put it get father of the year treatment for being a father when being a SAHM of a very young infant is a 24/7 job never mind the fact she is maintaining the house as well. Dad gets to clock out from his job then have a treat from mummy patting him on the bottom for working when he is a married man and father hello!! That’s what he should be doing. never mind that this little treat completely disregarded the position this would put her DIL in solo parenting again for the afternoon. Where is her break? I’m sure she is one of those MIL’s who praised her son because he changed one dirty diaper a week while she just expects her DIL to do it all. It’s a gross and misogynistic mindset. And DIL was right to call her out on her crap. DIL worded it a lot nicer than I would have in her shoes

So the son is deserving of a treat as the father but the mother doing the brunt of parenting as a SAHM doesn’t? Ok got it. Way for MIL to completely cut into their limited family time together asking her son to leave his wife and child behind

I'm pleased to see that you're considering your DIL's feelings now OP.

When I had three children under 6 my MIL definately made me feel worse. I was working, doing all of the cooking and housework and all the night shifft with the youngest and my MIL would go on and on about how hard her son worked.

Anyway, that's my rant! Enjoy babysitting your GD x

👏👏👏

I’m almost hoping the OP is a reverse. No one can be that tone deaf to not recognize parenting as a team effort.

Son is deserving of a treat as a son. A mother and son can go out and have a nice time, especially if his work is stressful. She's his mum. She's taking care of his mental health AND spending time with her son. That's NICE. I recall reading she has parents, too.

Limited family time? I don't recall reading he works on an oil rig or away from home most of the month. Did I miss that?

As a grandma it isn't my place to make sure my dil which I don't have to have time to herself. Let her tell her husband I'm going out you need to babysit. I go out with my daughter and sometimes the baby stays home with Dad and sometimes goes with us. Let the couple fix this themselves.

Your DIL is taking this up with the wrong person. It sounds like perhaps your son isn't pulling his weight at home. They both have full time jobs. Household tasks and childcare should be shared equally when he's finished his. They both deserve equal down time.

However it's not your responsibility to ensure any of that happens.

You did nothing wrong by asking him to go to the baseball game. Take your DIL out for the day by all means, if that's what you'd like. But you shouldn't do it to redress any perceived imbalance in their relationship: that's up to him.

Sounds like your situation was your husband's fault, not your MIL.

A treat for doing something millions of husbands and fathers do everyday? Why doesn’t she care about her DIL’s mental health? You want to talk mental health let’s talk about how SAHMS and new mothers are at a higher risk of PPD and generalized depression than any other demographic. Again he gets to clock out of work she doesn’t get to clock out of motherhood. I said limited family time together because if her son is working countless hours like she claims he is than I’m sure their time together is limited so why cut into that time leaving her DIL home again while her husband gets a reprieve. Her having a mother has nothing to do with her MIL recognizing her DIL as her DIL and the mother of her GC. Her son is a married man with his own immediate family his wife and child she should start thinking of him in that context and acknowledging the family unit as a whole and supporting them as a married couple as parents together bc that’s what they are. Give them both a break to go out together. Treat them both to a ball game. Take your DIL out one afternoon for lunch to say hey I see you, check in with her to see how she is handling and adjusting to motherhood. Parenting is a team effort it isn’t just about the father or just about the mother but it takes two to parent. Pretty shitty to not recognize that and demoralizing

You missed the part where the MIL acted like her DIL didn’t exist and her son was a single dad by signing his praises and not recognizing what her DIL was doing

So you think it’s ok to recognize only her son’s hardwork and not her DIL’s

Yes this wasn’t a slight to my DIL. This was me saying hey I haven’t spent time with the child I birthed in a while and it would be nice to. He looked stressed and I wanted to do something nice for him. I don’t want to be that poster but I can’t help but feel if a daughter looked stressed and her mother took her out for a spa day no one would say oh you are leaving the father with his child. Or well what about the father of your GC your SIL where is his treat. Everyone would say mothers deserve a treat and a break she should go out with her mother and no one would think of it in the context of taking away time from her husband to hangout with her own mother. Everyone would say he is the father too he can watch his own child for a few hours. No one would expect a mother to have to pencil in an appt to hangout with her own daughter it would be seen as it’s mother and daughter let them have time together. They may be married but the husband doesn’t have ownership or monopoly on all his wife’s time and attention yet being a mother of a son you have to tread very lightly because anytime you want your son to devote to you is automatically viewed through the eyes of taking away time from his wife as if is wife automatically owns all his time and attention.

Apples and oranges my dear. The DIL in this case is already doing the parenting 24/7 by being a SAHM so by the mother taken just her son out on a Saturday that’s yet another day her DIL is doing the solo parenting and her husband gets off Scott free. In your mother daughter example the daughter is getting a break bc she is already parenting 24/7 so the husband is only being asked to do solo parenting one day. Also people always try to make this argument and it’s not the same thing it’s just not. A woman’s body is permanently altered due to child birth and her body is put at risk a man’s isn’t. A lot of times she is also putting stress on her body if she breastfeeds and she deals with sore breasts. Not to mention SAHMS deal with lowering their earning potential in a way men don’t. Society still in 2025 view moms as the default parent. Moms are still shamed for every choice they make in a way dads aren’t. So it’s a bit ridiculous for you to be like my son is so amazing for doing what is expected as a father while overlooking the sacrifices your DIL has made to birth your GC. There is a phrase for what you are doing and the called treating your DIL as an incubator. She is important to you bc she birthed your GC but it ends there she isn’t important enough to be recognized for what she does. Thats reserved for your son only bc if you show your DIL some love and appreciation that automatically means less for your son

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You’re allowed to treat your son. If you babysit once a month or so and her parents babysit once a month too, I think they’re doing ok there.
If she didn’t want her dh to go she should have told him.

But her DIL is chop liver right? It’s not about being allowed to treat your son it’s about recognizing that without her DIL doing all the parenting during the day and running of the household it makes her son’s life easier and recognizing parenting takes two and the running of the household. Why take her son away from his limited family time? Why not have her DIL and GC join them? Or babysit to give them together as a couple. Facilitate that. Sorry but it’s time to view her son through the lens of an adult who is doing what millions of people do everyday why does he get rewarded for working as a husband and father? Isn’t that like the bare minimum requirement. Doing things solo for your son while leaving out his wife and ignoring her contributions ended when he got married. It’s time to support the family unit as a whole. It’s two become one and parenting is a two person deal

Actually I don't think you have done anything wrong, but possibly your ds has. I think it would be more appropriate if your ds looked after his child while your dil did something relaxing for herself. That might be going for lunch with you or it might be going out with her friends/ family. It is important though that he has time to parent his child alone, so not coming to you every time he is alone with his child. That way he will understand more the unrelenting job of looking after a child all day.

One thing I used to dream about when mine were little was a night alone in a flat so I could potter and watch what I wanted on TV without childcare or cleaning tasks and without even having to think about dh. Maybe when your granddaughter is a bit older you could suggest that. It might just have been my daydream though!

Yes this. Time for him to look after his child. I feel totally maxed out at the moment and have supported dh to go out weekly for the last month on top of every thing else- if my mil thought HE needed a break I’d be furious. He needs to be on the other end to see the additional effort it takes your dil to support him. Doing that and reminding him to have everything done dil would , you’re not just a babysitter you’re a dad and cook dinner and do laundry when you’re home with your child - that would be the best gift of all.

As a Dil myself I do think it's a bit entitled of her to say you took time away that should be spent babysitting for them so they could go out. I do understand the need for family time though. I don't know what your son is doing for a living but being a sahm to one baby is not harder than working presuming your son's not putting his feet upon the table when he gets home.

Her husband gets to clock out so her being a SAHM is harder. She doesn’t have adult interaction. And she is caring for all household duties on top of it. And even if it isn’t harder that doesn’t mean her husband should be rewarded while her efforts and contributions are overlooked. When someone is married it becomes about supporting the family unit as a whole not just recognizing what one person does. It sends a message of passive aggressiveness that they aren’t worth recognizing and eventually that little girl will grow up to see her dad being put on a pedestal above her mother and won’t like that

But the op does babysit so they can go out. So does dil parents. If any one should be in the dog house it’s ds not the op.

Like I said, I only know strong women.

Everyone has different life experiences, so we have different opinions. It what makes mumsnet, well, mumsnet.

You're very worked up about SAHM negligence and their mental health, their need for reassurance and being told they're doing a good job too. I can't say this what you've said is an experience I have seen or had, clearly I'm very lucky!

Personally, I know many SAHMs and they're a wonderful, strong, mentally stable bunch. Their husbands go out with family and they get on. The ladies also go out without the husbands. The husbands do get time to unwind as I guess most have "stressful" jobs and the mums I know speak of supporting their husbands mh because that's also benefitting them and their children.

Some of the SAHMs even have husbands who work away. Not everyone is built for that! So my experience with these ladies means my view is different from yours.

I'm sorry if this bothers you.

I didnt vote as you have realised your error. Sounds like iyou will have a great relationship with your DIL going forward.

He only went to baseball not a Caribbean cruise.
Perhaps dil can go out next Saturday?