I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

There is a lot of overcomplicating and over explaining going on. It’s so simple it seems to be going over everyone’s heads.

DIL does all the meals, bath time, day in day out. Until DH gets home she has all the responsibility on her shoulders and it is relentless. As he is working a lot she gets very little time to herself. She can probably just about make it through five days a week if her husband shoulders some of it at the weekend.

She had to do an extra whole day on a Saturday. Leaving her alone to do it alone at home and and it was a step too far. She felt undervalued, ignored and rejected.

It annoyed her that he went for a ‘rest/change of scenery/relax and it annoyed her that you didn’t think about what your treat would implicate for her. I think she is feeling very strained. She expressed it well.

But if the Dil's mum is doing the same for her I don't see the issue ? They both got parents doting on them who also babysit gd.
My mum is dead and I'm lucky because my Mil "adopted" me as as her daughter; she always thinks about me telling me I look tired and do I want her to help out so that I can rest. And I'm a sahm. Therefore I'm absolutely fine with my dh going over for dinner at hers or taking her out to theatre/restaurant. If she never had a thought for me I might be resentful but she's the kindest most altruistic person I know and I'm happy for her to spend time with her son. She has always helped out with our dc as well and she's over 80 now, most friends are gone, and I want her to be happy as she wants me to be happy.

His own mother took him to a game once. Once. Not every Saturday, not even once a month. One time.

DIL has one child to mind. She had to do so for a few hours longer one week.

Her MIL already babysits for them.

It’s good you’re able to see her side of things and take that on board. you sound like a lovely, supportive MIL.

Assuming they generally get both weekend days together it doesn’t sound like too big of a deal, though DS should have offered to then give his wife some downtime on the Sunday/another day. Due to work we only get to have a family day off together every 2-3 weeks. Because of that I would be very upset if that day wasn’t spent with me and DS3. But I can’t see myself being so bothered if we mostly had 2days per week. But I guess it depends how much your DS pulls his weight when he is at home. If he is hands on with his child whilst not at work generally then I think DIL is overeating slightly when this was a one off treat.

You did a good deed and I’m sorry it backfired slightly. It was nice that you and DS spent some time together. It’s probably just a stressful time at home at the moment perhaps with limited sleep and a bit lonely at home without adult interaction for DIL and so it seemed like a big deal. Offer up a day to babysit so she can have a rest and it’ll be forgotten.

Isn’t the point that the OP has said several times, she framed this, as a reward for the hard work he does, looking after his own fucking family. This is how it was framed. Aren’t you a good boy, looking after your wife and baby?
DIL rightly told OP, that actually she is working hard, looking after the family, and on one of the few days they “share” her husband gets to go out and be celebrated!
Luckily OP has realised what she has done, she has reflected and is making an effort to change. Brilliant MN, well done hive mind (which is bollocks by the way, I actually, like all of us, have my own mind!)

That’s kind of like it’s only 1 more km, so what if you’ve just run a marathon, get running you lazy failure.

No it isnt. She hasn’t run a marathon. She’s looked after one baby.

So they have both explained to you that this is about cutting into their time. Fair enough.

So you don't again by offering to take DIL to lunch next weekend?

Whom she already looks after all week on her own. Then it is assumed she will carry on on her own on Saturday whilst her husband is taken out to give him a break. Really?

For a once-off, yes really! The whole thing is so blown out of proportion. Having one child of 6 months for a few hours longer one week is not some kind of huge life event.

This couple have one child and get regular babysitting from family.

If it was every week different story. But it was once.

Im not sure why you are focused on that it was one time only. Doesn’t matter the DIL is still the primary parent 5 days a week and her MIL didn’t give a crap that her little treat for her grown son doing what millions
of shamans and fathers do everyday meant an extra day that her DIL was doing the child rearing alone. It’s not that she did something one on one with her son it was the reasoning behind it bc he deserved a treat which has implications that DIL doesn’t deserve a break from parenting 24/7 never mind all the household stuff she does. If she truly cared or thought about the mother of her GC she would have invited (not saying paid) but invited the family out together. Her son isn’t a single dad doing this on his own his wife the mother of his child is the driving force behind this. Parenting isn’t about recognizing just one and giving one parent a break it’s about both. Time to think about your son once married and a father in the context of supporting the family unit as a whole. Where was her DIL’s support? Does her DIL get an afternoon out with her MIL where her husband is responsible for his own child? After all 5 days a weeks he isn’t with his child all day surely he can be with her for one afternoon

Or take her out and treat her like she did for her son

If DIL isn’t getting much adult interaction then why didn’t mil take her out as well to get adult interaction

But again where is DIL’s break?? It’s ridiculous that her son is never alone with his child DIL is 5 days a week then when she I’m sure is looking forward to some all day help her husband is pulled away AGAIN and this time it’s a slap in the face because it’s for a treat. It’s a bit tone deaf and passive aggressive of the MIL to not realize how this looks like she is taking her DIL for granted and again pulling her son away from his immediate family his wife and child.

No one is saying that having a six month old on your own for a day is hard.
OP herself said, she treated her son to a weekend day off, due to how well he has looked after everyone and what a good boy he is.
Her DIL has very rightly and reasonably pointed out that OP’s son’s treat meant that she got yet another day on her own with their 6 month old child.

Not to mention it again implies fathers deserve a break for doing what is expected of them. So the one day he has with his wife and child he gets out of bc mommy has to reward him for being a good boy

Right! I feel like some people are being obtuse. It’s tone deaf to not realize as a MIL the implication of this. Why not invite the whole family to watch baseball. Why just your son? I’m sure she wouldn’t have been thrilled as a new young mom if she was a SAHM watching her child 5 days a week all day then when the 6th day came her MIL pulled her husband away for the reason of him needing a break. I would be like well where is my break? Why is he more deserving of a break than me. It’s ashame when other women praise men for doing the bare minimum. Shouldn’t women be supporting other women?

She is also treating him like a single dad giving him a break like he is doing this on his own and his wife isn’t the driving force behind it. As if he doesn’t have any help at home

One thing that is getting missed in all this OP is whether your son is pulling his weight when he is at home? Because it sounds like he isn’t and that might be the issue at heart.

Why are you assuming DIL parents 24/7? For starters she has her parents helping and MIL helping once a month. She also has a husband to help her. It’s very dramatic.

If DH has been under a lot of pressure in work and his mum took him for a treat so what?! People on MH constantly undermine work pressure and the efforts of working people in general in reaction to SAHM feeling their work isn’t valued.

And being a SAHM is work. And it can be frustrating and isolating. But it doesn’t mean that a mother treating her son once for a few hours should be blown into a major event.

DIL has once child, has been a parent for 6 months and gets help from family. If she was worn down from years of parenting while the husband does feck all that would be entirely different.

MIL already helps this couple go out together once a month

I disagree

Op does babysit so both can go out. DIL parents also babysit.

There is no reason why Op can’t go out with just her son. Father and son trips are a well documented thing.

I think it’s good DIL can communicate with you. However I suspect it’s because she knows it will resonant with you. You have every right to take your son out.

DH has been under pressure in work. And his mum wants him to treat him because of that. If she was treating him solely for his parenting efforts that would be different.

She already gives this couple a break together once a month.

Yes of course she could do that. Or allow her to go out with DH. Or give her time to go out with her friends child-free. Many options available there for whatever would suit DIL best.

She sounds dramatic. I can see her point but it’s not all on you! She has her own family too. Also, she can carve out time to herself by asking the father of her child to take over too.

I don’t think you should never be able to go somewhere with just your son, but maybe it needs to wait till your gd is a bit older.

To be fair you sound really nice and helpful. Babysitting and paying for them to go out is really nice and so is your monthly babysitting.

maybe at some point you can offer a day out with gc and son ask your dil if she would like to join too or would prefer to not join and take the opportunity for me time. That way she can feel involved and appreciated.