My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

I’d be “gently rationalising” her with a good tongue lashing. Nineties style.

Our kids think it’s hilarious we met in a pub on a Sunday afternoon recovering from an all nighter. And both are autistic….

Sounds like she has got undiagnosed ND, get her to go to the GP.

Just because she still lives at home does not mean her parents own her or her emotions.

Equally, she doesn't get to police their conversation with her emotions and reactions. If she can't deal with it, she takes herself out of the situation.

Peers and strangers won't make these kind of allowances, rightly or wrongly.

So how would you handle it then because OP can't spend her life appeasing and bowing and scraping to her daughter because she doesn't fit some 'Swallows and Amazons' image the DD has of life.

The best thing with DC is to just be yourself as they have to adapt to the world rather than endlessly hoping the world will adjust to them.

There's nothing to suggest the DD doesn't understand herself. I think generally, offering diagnoses as a solution to other people's discomfort is problematic.

Oh please, stop pandering to her. ND or NT is neither here nor there. She needs to understand you are a person not just her mum and she doesn't get to judge you or control your life. You have let this go on too long. You need to make a stand.

@LJShaw

ah well, what’s she gonna do eh?
it’s tough.

I am but I don't believe in letting an adult daughter impose her ultra strict views on her mother, nor more than I would believe in letting a husband with ultra strict views impose them either.

Yes, even if the daughter or husband was "potentially" ND.

How's that!

I agree with this. My DBro and his wife buckled early with their daughter. they indulged her tantrums and every whim from the get go and their life with her was a living hell and she never left home.

She developed C at the age of 38 and refused to seek treatment because she didn't want to lose her hair. She had always done exactly as she pleased and would take advice from no-one. She lost everything besides.

Nope. Spot on. The truth is needed.

No sex mentioned though so this is moot.

I wouldn't laugh at anyone, particularly my own child when they were upset but I agree I wouldn't be bringing the go-to of choice of MH currently of autism as a self/parental diagnosis either.

If, however gently, you suggest to your dd that she is not normal and probably has a 'condition'... then probably don't expect that to go well.

And what difference would it make anyway? Ultimately she has to learn that her ideas are hers and other people's might be different but are no less valid.

I would be trying to demonstrate that by respecting her opinions, trying to be sensitive of her feelings (not talking about my wild days of youth if that upsets her) but I would not be following her out when she flounces or trying out amateur psycho-diagnosis on her either.

Op back in our day we had a fantastic time the youngsters today wants to wrap themselves around their parents. They need to get themselves a life there is a big wide world out there and they need to fuck off and live it.

No one likes to hear the truth.

She needs to grow the fuck up.
Stop hushing after her and sweet talking.
You had a good few party years and you have a past you had a bannging time.
Id ask her are you jealous because your bloody acting it.
And not everything as to be linked to some sort of SEN.

Are you subconsciously holding on to her. My daughter sounds a lot like yours critical and upright. The quiet one in the classroom would rather hide in the back reading and studying. Since she went to university she had to experience how other people are and how they behave. Her friend had wild sex in the house they shared with various men. My daughter became curious and found herself a boyfriend. They now live together.

Your daughter is not going to have any other experience while she is living with you. You need to let her go and focus on yourself. Drink if you want to drink your daughter is not a child she is an adult.

She seriously needs to stop being so judgemental, emotional and thinking she's above everyone else. Otherwise she is really going to struggle in life. How does she cope at work? If someone talks about their weekend or goes for a cigarette break does she start crying and storm out.

I dont know about her being ND, to me it sounds more like she's become religious

My mum has form for sharing really inappropriate stuff when i was a child and then older, like my dad mentioning his first holiday abroad and my mum saying "yes that's where your dad went with a prostitute" and on another occasion telling me aged 11 that the reason my dad liked a certain shellfish was because they reminded him of a womans vulva - and every one of her stories is ultra depressing as she had a fairly shit childhood then married my dad and had an affair.

I'd have loved to have the confidence to a) leave the room and b) ask my mum to stop it but I would have been made out to be the bad guy.

Mine are extreme and I know I am projecting what I heard as a younger person but is there any chance your stories are a bit too much for her?

@TorroFerney

the stuff being said about op sounds very mild

I am sure it is, but suppose it's always good to reflect how ones mild might be someone else's not!

I have already explained in a previous post.

@TorroFerney

what does it matter? It happened, it’s no bad thing, it’s not like it’s something so shameful it should never be talked about again - it’s just OP’s life. The daughter just needs to accept it. Everyone - including the daughter - would be much happier if she did.

It doesn't matter WHY it upsets her. Sulking and being controlling is not acceptable.

Would you say the same thing about somebody's wife or husband? She's 21, not 6.

Her opinion is completely irrelevant, she's not going to change the past anyway!

She's 21 though. Not 15.