To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

I'm curious as to why you don't feel ready for marriage? Do you not see having a child together as a bigger commitment?

His contribution/financial sacrifice would therefore be supporting you and being the sole provider for your child. Nothing wrong with that, but I think you would be unreasonable to expect him to also give you £1400 on top to keep your other home ticking over - he would effectively be paying for you twice. You could rent out your current home.

Of course if they were married her asset would become his so if he were “giving her money for the mortgage “ he would just be gaining an asset (or his child would) rather than just “giving her money.”

Perfectly sensible for a married couple to decide to spend money on an asset like a flat or house. Perfectly sensible for an unmarried woman to keep hold of an important asset like proper. Perfectly reasonable for a person with high income to subsidize the lower or at risk partner for some time—provided they love that person and don’t regard them as a servant or flight risk.

How do you think military wives cope? I understand you've got your own job/home/life but surely you should have thought about this before you had your child?

Well then that shows him to be someone who won't support you.

Don't make a stupid move. Get a job, then move if you still want to

There is no way on this planet that I would give up my job to move in with someone who I wasn't married to. Taking 6-12 months out of a "competitive" industry with no safety net would be unwise. You could struggle to find a job and he could get bored of paying you money to ensure you live near him.

Or you discover he’s not a keeper before you uproot your life. This helps you focus on your own life with your child where you live. You then meet someone else who is prepared to treat you as an equal partner, merry you and raise a family together.

You sound just money grabbing taking 6 to 12 months, totally bu l feel sorry for your DP.

I wouldn’t give up my life for a man who hasn’t shown much commitment to me.

What’s the long term plan if marriage isn’t the goal?

Can't quite get over the cocklodger/money grabbing comments. Are you all for real?!?

OP has been raising their child as a single parent for 2 years, while the mobile sperm-donor flits around the country focussing on nothing but furthering his career, while contributing just 20% of his earnings to raise his own child.

Then has the audacity to set up a permanent base 4 hours away from where his child is already well established, then call in 'I think we should have a stab at living together'!

No, it's not in any way unreasonable that he continue to make financial contributions to the arrangements OP!!! Potentially you could dress it up differently - you plan to rent your place out, take the net earnings from that for 3-6 months as savings/security/relocation buffer to cover you in the event that it all goes tits up & you have to move back there again. Then all other household costs in the shared place get split pro-rata to your take-home salaries (after student loan repayments). Your rent goes back in the household pot once your moving buffer is built up - of if he owns the new place, you keep your rent as he's building his own equity.

Agree with most that you should line up a job to move to though. Very sketchy without.

Also, these arrangements are almost the least important thing you haven't spoken about! What about wills, custody of DD in event of death of either of you, life insurance/pension names parties for each other, who will cook, clean & taxi in a shared house. Is he working research 9-5, or hospital shifts including weekends? Who will take leave when DD is sick in new arrangement & you're removed from current network, building Bradford Factor in a new job, and you're in a town DP has arbitrarily chosen for the next X months convenient to his career development? When will the next move be? Where to?

It definitely feels like the onus on the 8 hour round trip should be on him for a while yet, until:

A your relationship is grown up enough to have ALL the above conversations, plus whether a civil partnership would be a more secure & appropriate arrangement under which you could make such a move

B he's had enough 8 hour round trips to spend time with the child he created to properly contemplate why in the name of dog he didn't look for a permanent role closer to where they lived in the first place if either of you are actually important to him?

Could you rent your house out? Have a buffer for if it doesn't work out?

This is ridiculous. What is wrong with these men? Where to even start?

This! You look for the job, and the nursery, then move and stagger the start date of the job by a month. 6 months to settle a 2 year old? Hardly! Couple of weeks.
Also, you seem to completely overlook the huge advantage to your daughter of having her parents together. At the moment, she is living like the child of divorced parents. Fast forward a few years, and she will hate having to split her time, etc. This is the absolute best thing you can do for her, and I would have thought for yourself (don't you love DP?), you sound incredibly cold (and short sighted).

I can see why you’re considering this and I think it can work as long as you mitigate the risks as much as possible. This means securing a job before you go, or finding a role you can do remotely. Renting out your house instead of selling it. Would contracting be an option rather than looking for a permanent role?

I think, if you're hoping to be financially supported, you need to get married for your own protection.

I don't buy the "I don't feel comfortable getting a job" stuff. The obvious thing is to stay put and move when you have a job to move to. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your dp to be the sole earner unless that's something you've both agreed to.

I think it makes sense to tread carefully. You're effectively a single parent considering moving in with a guy you don't know that well. It's sensible to make sure you're financially safe and your dc isn't impacted too much, and moving across the country is a big ask. I just think you'll be better off assuring your own finances that relying on a guy you aren't married to and hasn't, so far, prioritised his dc.

Sure a week i get 6 months why?

Just find the job first. I'm amazed that you haven't already discussed the financial practicalities with your DP. Surely you're close enough to do this?

People criticising the DP for moving around for his work, this is absolutely normal for young medics, they have to go to where the right post is to progress through their training. When they're older they do have a bit more choice, but still have to go to a post in their specialism.

Thousands of people move and start a new job simultaneously. I can’t believe the cheek of this. The order is get a new job, rent your flat out, move, settle child into nursery in two weeks, start new job.

You earn good money where you are, why not save some and then move?

Have you spent any time at all living together so far? It feels risky to make such a big move.

What would be best for you and dd would be for him to take a job near you, even if it’s a slightly lower paying job, and move in with you.

what is only best for him is you giving up your job on the hope in an competitive market you can get something near him, taking dd away from the nursery she’s settling in, taking you away from local friends and your support network, expecting you both to start over in an area he’s just in because it’s offering a well paying job.

saying you have requirements (which probably should include marriage) before you are prepared to trash both yours and dds lives purely for his benefit is not unreasonable.

He’s a doctor. You do understand how resident doctors rotations work? He can’t choose where he lives or just get another job.

Strangely, every single female medic with a dc I know (and I know a lot) has managed to also live with and care for their dc.

I'm aware medicine is a challenging profession, and that prioritising your dc may hurt your career. But I don't think it's impossible!

The OP doesn’t actually say he’s a doctor in any of her posts.

But even if he is, how likely is it that he can both ensure if the OP gives up her job, security, home friendships etc to follow him to this new location, he won’t move again before dd has finished education, yet also is completely incapable of applying for roles near the OP, even if it takes a couple of years to find the right role and move. (I am assuming the OP doesn’t live in the middle of nowhere and has a large town/city within reasonable distance).

The OP is being expected to give up a lot for the career of a man who’s not committed enough to propose.