Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is fair if we are not married?

264 replies

10064a · 07/06/2025 17:30

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 07/06/2025 19:52

Can your dp find a job near you so that you get to keep your house and job?

GAJLY · 07/06/2025 19:53

I'd get married before I moved in with him.

SailingWonder · 07/06/2025 19:55

So your assumption is that if you mentioned marriage he would think you were being unfair? Rather that being thrilled that you would consider marrying him? That’s not very good, is it?

BakelikeBertha · 07/06/2025 19:56

In your shoes OP, I don't think I would risk moving in with him, as you would be putting a lot at stake. I think you'd do better to stay as you are for the time being, and if he wants you to live together, then HE should move jobs again, to be near where you and his child are. As it is, he's expecting you to give up your home, your job, your security, your friends, and possibly even family in the area, in order to move to a place that you're not familiar with, where you can't guarantee you'll get a job that pays you the same money, and if you do get one, will it be as understanding of your parental needs as where you are now? He's asking you to risk renting out your home, which could be a disaster if you get bad tenants, and from 4 hours away, it won't be something you can easily manage yourself. Then, what if it doesn't work out, and you end up hating living together, where does that leave you? Maybe having to live with him, even if you don't want to, in an area you're perhaps not keen on, while you wait to evict tenants, if you've been unlucky. Then of course there's the risk that if you were to decide you want to move back and leave him, he can lay down conditions on where you move to, in order that he can maintain contact with his child.

On the other hand, if you give it a bit longer, you'll have more idea as to whether this relationship is destined to be long term. He can then get a job, and move straight in with you, without you having to give up your job, or unsettle your DD. Just my thoughts on things. Apologies if I've got anything wrong, as you haven't been very clear as to whether you plan to move 'to' him, or move 'in' with him.

Mrsredlipstick · 07/06/2025 19:57

If you've had a baby with someone you're tied for life. Marriage is a lesser commitment.
Your demands are unbelievable. You're a grown woman not a teenager. Apply for jobs, get one then move. If you want marriage ask him. Rent out your property. I don't see any emotion in this.
Your partner is a doctor, he needs a steady home. (I have quite a few in the family including my DD). Are you the women for him? Ask yourself that before you move.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/06/2025 19:57

I would say. when is the wedding.
surely you are not going to disrupt your life / your career and your child for less than legal commitment.

Fraggeek · 07/06/2025 19:59

I moved away from everything to be with my partner.
I made sure I had a job lined up and I think I had just over 2 weeks of "settling" time for the kids (school/childminder) and then I was in a new job. You certainly don't need so long to settle and there's no way I'd be relying so heavily on a man I've never lived with before.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 07/06/2025 20:01

Get married before you move. And then share finances. If he doesn't agree to protect you, then you know he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Multiplenames3 · 07/06/2025 20:12

Searching for a job while in a job gives you far better negotiation power.
Could you see if you could be part time, and then do toddler groups (if that's your thing) to meet people and start establishing yourself there.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/06/2025 20:12

Honestly I think you are massively overthinking this, you don't need months to settle in these circumstances.

ElizaMulvil · 07/06/2025 20:12

You don't seem to think he wants to be married. With just cause seeing as you've been with him for 4 years or so AND you have a child together and you've not discussed it.

If you gave an ultimatum that you wouldn't move without marriage, would it be the end of your relationship ( such as it is)? In other words do you think he is not really bothered about losing you? I think this is the real problem you have. He is willing to send you money (good) but is not committed to you emotionally. Is this what you've sensed? Is he still looking out for the one?

You need to protect yourself and your child financially. The golden rule is

  1. never give up your job
  2. especially never give up your job for a man who is not committed to you emotionally and with marriage
  3. especially never give up your job when you have a child reliant on you
  4. especially never give up your job when the father of your child could emigrate to Australia tomorrow and you'd never hear from him again.
bluecurtains14 · 07/06/2025 20:18

10064a · 07/06/2025 18:14

And if I said I wouldn’t move without marriage then he’d say I was giving an unfair ultimatum

And that would tell you that he doesn't actually care about you and your security. Don't move.

Summerisere · 07/06/2025 20:20

Don’t give up your job, local friends, home without marriage.

Mauro711 · 07/06/2025 20:23

What are you giving up by moving 4 hours away? Do you have family and friends near where you currently are? If you did move and he broke up with you a year later you may very well not be allowed to move back to your old area with your DD. Are you prepared to stay there for the next 16-18 years even if you are no longer together? That's the biggest risk you are facing in my opinion. Money and marriage can always be sorted, but you have zero protection at the moment and everything to lose whereas he has everything to gain.

Cabbageheads · 07/06/2025 20:23

It's been what, three, four years? (pregnant after a year, 9 months of being pregnant, and now you have a 2 year old).

Why has he persistently chosen to live away from his child, and applied for jobs that allow him to live like a single, childless man when he isn't? The fact that you're afraid to raise the question of marriage isn't good either.

I think you're asking the wrong question TBH. He is the one who needs to make changes here. Not you.

Dweetfidilove · 07/06/2025 20:27

I think what you're considering is quite sensible.
What O would say is perhaps you can start the job hunt before you move, as you say the recruitment process is circa 3 months. Most employers also expect you'll have a notice period, which gives you another month at least.

That way you'll spend less time out of employment while still getting your settling in period.

Boreded · 07/06/2025 20:29

You’ve been together for 3 or 4 years and have a 2 year old…move in with him.

keep your house and rent it out, then your equity goes up and you have no costs associated with your property but are protected.

then you manage the house together that he owns and you all live in together. if it works out then you marry and everything is shared, if it doesn’t work out you have a home.

i don’t know why he would need to ‘give’ you money, when you live together just work out how to both contribute to daily life the upbringing of your child in a proportional way.

Fluffyeye · 07/06/2025 20:31

Do not move 4 hours from your family and give up your job for a well paid man that you aren’t married to that wouldn’t be willing and eager to support you financially for a few months while you find your feet/a new job whilst looking after his child.

EdithBond · 07/06/2025 20:34

I wouldn’t give up your job or sell your home if you haven’t yet tried cohabiting.

Is there no way he can move to a permanent post where you and DD currently live? That’d be less risky and disruptive for you and DD. Do you live where you did when you met him and he’s the one who’s moved? Where are your support network, e.g. if DD is too ill for nursery?

If you have to move, I’d get a job first, then move. I know you’re hopeful you’ll get something, but it’s a tough job market right now and the longer you’re unemployed it won’t look great on an application and your confidence may start to go. I don’t suppose you can do a job where you can choose to WFH?

I know you feel you need time to help DD settle into nursery, but that usually only takes a couple of weeks, which hopefully you could do before you start the job, depending on notice periods and leave owed from your existing job. Presumably, you can do drop offs and pick ups if it’s daycare? And he can share that once she’s more used to being with him.

You can get to know the area at weekends.

Cabbageheads · 07/06/2025 20:36

Are you hoping to get pregnant again OP? Is that why you're talking about a year out of work?

Rainbowqueeen · 07/06/2025 20:46

I think you’re being wise to look at how to financially protect yourself but your methodology is all wrong.

Don’t move without a job to go to. A job is your financial security not an agreement from someone you are not married to that can easily be ignored. I’d be asking him to pay your moving costs I think that is fair.

Your proposal doesn’t take into account that you might not get a job in 6-12 months. What happens then? And what happens if he agrees but then does not follow through? It’s extremely risky.

If you do go through with this move sort a job first.

Have you discussed bill splitting when you do move? If not, why not ? I’d start with this. That should give you an idea if he is going to be fair. How long is he going to be in this location? Is he going to expect you to move again?

And the biggest risk to you is that you won’t be able to move away if it doesn’t work out without his consent because of DD. So I would put the move on hold and have a holiday up there. Take some time to check out the area and see if it is somewhere that you could happily live. Someone else suggested that you take unpaid leave from work to do this. I think that’s a good idea and he should agree to cover all your expenses (including pension) during that time. That would be fair.

Justwanttovent · 07/06/2025 20:48

Tripadvisor101 · 07/06/2025 17:43

That's not how the world works though. You either want to move to be with him, start a new job etc or you don't. This half way faff around doesn't work.

Show quote history

Say who? Just because it's not what everyone does doesn't mean the OP can't do it?

BobbyBiscuits · 07/06/2025 20:51

It feels like the upheaval is relating to your partners situation. Do you want to change your life so much without certainty?
If you've your own house that you can afford to stay in then giving up that freedom could backfire.
If you're not going to marry you could end up at his place paying half for a place you're not happy with.

Almahart · 07/06/2025 20:51

I think you are right to think this through from a practical point but I definitely wouldn't be giving up a job at the moment without one to go to, the market is absolutely brutal at the moment.

itsallsohard · 07/06/2025 20:58

Don't move without either marriage or a legally enforceable contract that covers both the costs of your shared child AND the loss if your current income and a wriiten if not lawyered (email, whatever) spelling out of how he will ensure thst you don't lose out if you move. Be fully unemotional and hard nosed about this. For your own sake as well ss your child's.