To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

Perhaps because she’s considering the practical circumstances given, she’s a single mother, rather than flowers and butterflies to strangers.

@10064a Im wondering if part of you is hesitant because of DP’s career? Through his actions (moving 4 hours away) he’s shown his priorities. Are you happy with that? And as PPs with partners who are medics have said, are you ok to move around in the future for his work? It seems possible to have more flexible work as a medic but that comes at a cost to promotion etc. and there’s lots of posts on here where people feel resentful doing all the child care and housework with a medic DP. It’s got its upsides but it’s not a life I’d want. Are you able to talk about career expectations together?

"I don't feel ready for marriage but I'm planning to uproot my life, sell my house, quit my job, depend on my partner financially for expenses for 6 months while we establish family life... oh and we have a 2yo daughter"

What else do you think marriage is?! It doesn't get much more interwoven than that! The divorce paperwork would be the easiest bit to sort!

Your instincts to bring your family together are sound. You should move and give it your all to make it work. But don't play this halfway game where you have all the dependence and none of the security. Either keep your independence and tiptoe in, or commit properly and share the load.

Does your OP actually want this and what is he doing to facilitate the move?

This I’m afraid.

Youbare talkimg about creating a family home together. It all sounds so financial and transactional in your post. We are not married, 2 dcs, got pregnant within two years of knowing each other etc. But we just kind of, muddle it all together. We have separate finances and have at times outearned each other by quite a bit, swapping over to take mire of a home role.
Are you thinking this is a forever arrangement, as in once you move in together you will stay as a family unit or a temporary or trial arrangement. Becuase yoh aound like you are thinking more of a trial. Together tou should be covering all bills and if you cant work and have to follow him arround the country for work then yes he is going to have to be the breadwinner while you settle in to each new place.

This. I’d get a job first and push start date to leave a few weeks to settle there (max). Don’t upend your whole life without more certainty than that - what if it takes a really long time to find a job? What if the relationship doesn’t work out and you’ve quit your job and let your house out? Where to then? It’s fine to discuss the practicalities unemotionally but also I think you need to be clear on where you see the relationship going. Do YOU want to marry HIM? What happens if he’s relocated again (common in medicine)? Do you want to be a trailing spouse following his career? What risks does that pose to you gaining career seniority and advancement? What impact on your longer term earnings and pension? Seems like you need to get all these questions covered in a comprehensive chat and understand his position in relation to all these things. Don’t compromise your financial stability just to make his life easier unless he’s the guy for you (and maybe even then!!) Good luck OP!

He could still keep his job with no sacrifice from you. He'd need to sacrifice his free time travelling to you both instead.

And it absolutely doesn't take 6 months to find your feet in a new place.
You do that whilst working & DD in nursery.
Good suggestions about finding a job first.
If you break up, or he stops paying, then what?

I don’t think it’s reasonable. He will be covering all costs for the family unit until you get a job. You can let out your home to take care of your mortgage. He can’t be paying you an amount on top of that.

And I’m so glad that she is thinking this way and not being an idiot

You could spend weekends in the area to get used to it before you move. I think 6-12 months is way too much. 6-8 week perhaps would be reasonable.

That's the whole point, so you know where you stand.

No point moving, changing jobs etc if he has no intention of marrying you.

Why would you move for a man you're unsure of his long term plans?

Is it possible to rent out your home on a short term let to cover your mortgage payments and give you some financial independence?

I don’t think missing six months of pension is the end of the world depending on your contributions up until now.

Would be good to feel less financially dependant upon him as I sense you’re feeling that as the living together is new there is a lot of pressure?

And another person who sees a baby as a less of a big deal than getting married.

Shes choosing not to get a job quicky because she thinks it will take 6 month's to settle in her daughter.

Others DC settled into new environments fast that doesn't mean ops will or that she should take that chance

I find these financial discussions so cold when both parties make plenty of money but the idea is that, that doesn't matter she doesn't matter because it's got to be financially fair (????) and therefore the two years old shld go into care.

Why do some people bother having DC

OP he should be offering this to you come and live with me take as much time as you want to settle in etc

I think you need to consider more OP that you can ask this and he can say yes. But without the wedding band, you could be up shit creek at a moments notice as he will hold all the power and be able to renege on all agreements at any time.

Yanbu. It's such a weird site sometimes....

Women who haven't thought through the practicalities are sneered at.

Then a poster comes along, trying to protect herself and her daughter and still people aren't happy.

Rent your house?

Why should she uproot herself and “give it her all?” Her dd has a workable set up right now. Why would moving in with this casual partner be better?

This always baffles me on here. Talking about practicalities and finances in relationships? 'OP you've no emotion. This is about love, do you love him? Do you?!''

Talking about wanting to live together/marry/take any relationship to any next level because they she's feeling something and is happy?

'You're mad OP. Have you thought about the practicalities? Finances? What about XYZ situation? Love isn't everything y'know!!'

@10064a what is it that you actually really truly want ?

What if she 'gives her all' and it doesn't work and she no longer has a stable home and life for her child?

Is there a reason he hasn’t tried to find a job where you live? Did you say you’d be happy to move across the country? What’s his plan if you don’t agree?

eta - do you love him?

Well that's my point - either he's a casual partner in which case don't uproot your life, or he's the husband you committed to and who is willing to make joint sacrifices with you. It seems from OP that she does want to do the joint sacrifices thing (he funds her career break, she quits her job) so it's very odd to me to say that marriage isn't something they're ready for... when it's the legal institution explicitly designed for the setup she says she wants