AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

I get that it feels like a lot at the moment but her husband only died 4 months ago. My grandma stayed at my parents house (before I was born) every night after my gpa died and then when she felt strong enough to stay alone at her house, she did.
maybe your frustration comes from having to do all the cooking? I’d suggest to your DH that you alternate. For example once a month she comes to you for a roast, once a month you meet for lunch, once a month your DH sees her on his own for lunch/coffee then once a month you go to hers or something?

I think your DH is getting a hard time here. He’s lost his dad, and it’s natural to want to be with family so you can support each other. I’d keep inviting her, but tone down the meals. It doesn’t have to be a full Sunday dinner. It could be a bowl of pasta, or some homemade soup, or whatever you would normally have. 4 months isn’t very long and you don’t have to spent all day with her - meet a friend, get some work done,etc.

I hope that you have no sons OP as otherwise one day you will be MIL

Is your DH’s brother also having her over once a week on a different day?

I’d aim for a compromise and get DH on board and planning at the start of the month.

First Sunday she comes over for lunch
Second Sunday DH takes her out for lunch (you decide if you want to go too)
Third Sunday she comes over for lunch
Fourth Sunday DH visits her at her house.

If other son isn’t doing anything then he can take one of the Sundays too.

I'm sorry but this is his mum she's grieving and Sundays should be about family time. We all congregate at my mums on a Sunday recently cooking got too much for her due to age so I do it now. We take turns in washing up and make sure the house is tidy before we all leave. Right now she probably lives for that one day. At most ask your hubby for a bit of help cooking but I'd never turn her away.

I’d get him to take on some of the cooking and maybe leave them to it for the odd Sunday and plan something else for yourself with some of the time. That way they get their time together but you get to do something else too so it’s not every Sunday for you. That feels like a decent compromise.

If you find the answer to this please let me know. Nearly every Friday night for the last 4yrs in our case.. I obviously have sympathy for the loss and loneliness but it is hard going every week!
can you visit her instead? Or take week about?
change things up before it’s expected would be my advice 😊

Could you slowly start with 'oh I said I'd help Sam with xyz next Sunday so I'll sort myself out' and meet up with a friend, enjoy a book and a nice Sunday roast in a country pub etc?

It's an awkward situation. Whilst quite rightly she should be welcome in your home during this difficult time it seems like your partner is putting to much on you, do you have a close relationship with the other siblings how are they checking in with their mother? (One might be doing weekly shopping with her or example, the other sorting out legal and financial issues).

Would your husband organizing and paying for a meal out for you all one Sunday be appreciated? As it would give you time and headspace away from prepping, cooking, cleaning but still give the time and social support to MIL

I am in the same position as you and my bereaved mil comes round in the week. I have to take my dd out soon after to a club. This works well as then DH gets time with his dm and I we get family time just us at the weekend.
YABU for coming on here rather than discussing how you can make this work with your DH. It isn’t unreasonable to expect other family members to do their part too.

You don't have to. You can tell your husband it's his turn to cook.

Picture yourself in years to come... your husband dies, you're grieving and lonely. Your son or daughter are concerned about you and invite you for dinner once a week.
But their spouse/partner doesn't want you there and resents you being there.
How would you feel?

My husband died 6 years ago. After he died I wouldn’t have dreamed of going to my daughter for dinner every Sunday. They have busy lives and although we are close I wouldn’t have imposed on her and her husband to this extent. Perhaps MiL could be encouraged to cook for you once a month. Or DH say to her that you have plans for next Sunday but will see her the Sunday after. Gradually break the cycle and encourage MIL to start getting out and meeting friends or taking up a new hobby.

If my son or daughter was inviting me without making sure their spouse was comfortable with it and expecting their spouse to do all the cooking and cleaning then I'd feel ashamed.

If my son or daughter was inviting me without making sure their spouse was comfortable with it and expecting their spouse to do all the cooking and cleaning then I'd feel ashamed

Absolutely this. He's doing big man gestures without checking with his wife and expecting her to do all the work.

My adults son come home for Sunday dinner every week. When the oldest was married his wife came as well.

We have never expected them to, it's just become a tradition. They will often provide the meat prior to Sunday. They bring wine or cake.

It's a welcome tradition.

He won't have his mother forever. Memories are important. It's important to your husband. Would you rather he remembered you felt put out? Your children remember that their Granny was a burden?

She’d rather he lifted a finger and did something to cook the dinner and clean up and is entirely within her rights to walk out on Sundays if he won’t? In your example, the equivalent is your adult son invited him and his wife around and said don’t do anything mum, and they turned up with food shed shopped for and he sat down and chatted with you while she cooked, then she cleaned up and they went home. And if you were ok with that then you’re part of the problem.

Awww he is looking after his mum. You have keeper there. He seems lovely. Would you prefer the alternative?

Of course not, you're not a comfort animal and grief and death is part of life, having lost three very close family members to me I know that you simply have to get on with it. She's had months of you having to wait on her, so now it's time for him to step up. If DH wants to see his mum every Sunday, he can go and do that, he can cook for her at her place, or he can take her out etc. You have every right to relax in your own home on a Sunday, she can come by once a month, which is quite reasonable, assuming it suits both of you.

Since it's been going on for months now, I would feel like I should bugger off and leave the poor woman in peace, and go and do something with my son instead. But then, I don't have main character syndrome.

How is he looking after his mum - he invites her around and sits back and lets his wife do all the work. Hardly lovely or a keeper.

Right. He is making his wife look after his mum, without her input or consent. Lovely? I think not. Lovely would be going to visit his mum each week and making her dinner in her own home, taking her out somewhere and maybe buying her a nice lunch or flowers etc.

Lazy and entitled is informing your wife she will be hosting your mother every Sunday for as long as you see fit, whether she likes it or not.

Don’t be such a misery. You will likely be in her position one day. You're cooking anyway and shes just lost her husband! Your dh does need to do the entertaining though. Does he not do this?

Nah, she's not a comfort animal and her husband is taking the piss.
Hope this helps.

'Not a comfort animal'?

What? Because she serves a recently bereaved person a portion of a dinner she's already cooking 3 days a month?

Some heartless cunts on MN but that takes the cunty biscuit.

When I found myself divorced after many years with no family in the country, and severely depressed, weekends were a huge struggle for me; with Sundays being the hardest day of the week. As that is the day, people usually spend with their families.

I hated feeling like a burden to others, but you can't just turn off your feelings, and being rejected when you’re grieving is hurtful.

It may be an inconvenience for you, but it's a huge deal for her. I think you should show her some grace, but equally your husband should
Do more for HIS mum.
Are Sundays very formal? Could you change things up? Have her go out with DH and DC. Or even have an easy meal and sit and watch a couple of films together. Maybe go for a swim, get her to help chop salad…? If you have a spare room, she could stay over that day or from Friday, so it feels less like you're entertaining, and more like she's part of the family and just hanging out together. That way you can spend time in your room reading or watching telly, or going out. There's nothing wrong with asking for some down time too. (I have to do this & if everyone knows what you need this & you're upfront then it's fine).

Even if you're not attached at the hip all day or weekend, it's nice to know she could come back to a comforting environment. I reckon you could even encourage her to make plans, and do a bit more.

Having company is lovely, and makes a world of difference when you feel like your whole world has fallen apart, and the feeling of loneliness and the grief is so loud.