AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

I'm just saying what's the big deal with cooking for MIL (I didn't read anything about SIL in the original post) if she's already going to be making dinner?

Exactly.

This is how it is at our house. I tell people (especially regular family visitors) to help themselves and make their own drinks and don’t actively entertain them, they just blend in with the DCs, talking to them and playing with them etc.

The ILs only tend to stay 2-3 hours as well. I’m an introvert so that suits me fine as I start feeling drained if have other people here for much longer than that.

Tell husband if he's inviting his mum he has to cook alternate weeks. Perhaps invite her on Wednesday just for a couple of hours to mix things up.

😵‍💫

Nothing wrong with inviting her round every week if he wants her to spend the day with family

Everything wrong with him not lifting a finger to help.

Tell him today that tomorrow you will not be cooking Sunday lunch and moving forwards, you will do every other Sunday.

Every other week, lunch will be his to sort out and cook what ever meal he would like to cook.

Why not go out for sunday lunch instead, you don't have to cook or wash up win win

Make extras for in laws each Sunday and take it round, I'm sure they would appreciate it and it's only 2 extra.

And with you, @ZippyMauveBear.

You need to break the habit, or you!re going to be stuck for life. Why aren’t the others having her in turn? Why isn’t your Dh doing the work? Just tell him no, you aren’t cooking/cleaning/entertaining. I understand she’s bereaved, but you can’t simply dedicate every Sunday to looking after her, but then you’ve been doing it and haven’t stopped your Dh by asking him to organise turns with his siblings or by refusing to cook/clean?

My Dad passed away in February and it still feels very recent and very hard. My Mum comes round at least once a week during the week and we stay over one night at the weekend. I think you need to be kinder OP, parents and PIL don't live forever.

All my in laws live in another country.

What a ridiculous thing to say, ‘stuck for life’. Since my DH died just before Christmas, my family have loved and supported me. This is surely what families do? I’m six months on now and I can see that I’m starting to cope a bit better. As time goes on, I won’t be as dependent on my family as I have been.

Of course he wants her round - no effort on his part. Looks there is no sacrifice he is not willing for you to make. I would be very accommodating and welcome her around every Sunday at the moment - no problem, poor women just lost her husband. But, his mother, his responsibility. He cooks and cleans. Go out alone and make alternative plans if necessary to make the point - you are doing him a favour for him and his mum to have time to ‘catch up’. If you all go out together then he pays. I strongly suspect if all the work and effort suddenly falls on him he might suddenly see the situation differently. His choice, his consequences.

Why can't your husband cook dinner? Has he always been lazy?

Just tell him that you all eat out or he cooks and cleans up.
Start tomorrow, book a Toby and meet there, or sit and chat do no cooking, when he looks at you, tell him in front of his mum that he knows how to make sandwiches.
As soon as he realises it will cost him time and effort bet he changes his mind.

This.

He is getting the glory by being the amazing son who invited her round, but doing none of the legwork!

Have you said this to him? Apologies if I've missed that post.

Well, if you put it like that, I have every sympathy for you OP. 🙄

Shocked that so many posters here think nothing of a woman routinely trapped into cooking and cleaning up as if that is the default expectation, but not for the male adult in the household. Ffs. Our daughters are never going to be break free of male patriarchy if this is the role model in so many households. Depressing.

You don't have to be actively entertaining for it to be mentally draining to have a guest in your house every single Sunday. Sunday is the one day in this house where we're not running about like blue arsed flies so I would find it very difficult to have guest each and every week without being consulted and being expected to do everything. Fuck. That. People are allowed down time in their own homes

"Just tell him to do this" "Just tell him to do that"

As if the OP probably hasn't thought of that many, many times. Everyone here knows how it goes, everyone.

Cooking for one extra person, once a week, is not drudgery. Particularly when it’s my lonely, widowed, mother-in-law.

No but is taking up the OP’s Sunday, one of her precocious weekend days. The MIL has other local DC plus the OP’s DH.

if it was me I wouldn’t facilitate it all the time.
DH says mum is coming over for lunch Sunday, the reply is great I’ll book the local pub, the roast there is good. DH says mum
is coming over for lunch then the reply will be great, I’m out all day so can you do me a plate and I’ll have it later etc, etc.

So if he’s sitting on his are talking to his mother why does Op need to entertain her? Her sons entertaining her

I think as she’s four months in he could definitely have some variation and start spending Sundays with her in different ways, which would be better for everyone really. Just have dinner with you guys/involve you once every few weeks. Still be supportive but varied and sustainable. I would not be a fan of a weekly arrangement that I’d had no say in.

I like my MIL but we’ve never had that intense a relationship so having her as a regular fixture would be a no from me.

My Mum is actually widowed and the same goes for her. Love her, but don’t want her round every week like clockwork and nor would I expect my husband to regularly form part of the support I want to give my mum - I go round separately for tea/help round the house/garden/out for lunch/accompany her to events or appointments etc. Your husband needs to mix it up.