AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

He’s outsourcing it to his wife. I can promise if it was her dad that died he wouldn’t be doing this for her mum each week.

No, she would!

If it was 4 years, then I would be bothered.......

Could you ask DH to take your mother in law out for lunch (just thd two of yhem) every so often, to give you a break?

just wondering how about having her every second Sunday? And why can’t yr partner share to cooking and cleaning up?

Next week go out for Sunday lunch, week after have fish and chips on the Saturday night instead. Week after that go for a nice walk. I think it’s mean not to see her but I don’t see why you should cook every week. So do something else…

This meal with family might be her lifeline. Its very early days. She's close family. Stick with it op. You've presumably going to cook a meal anyway. Maybe ring the changes and suggest you go out once in a while. Ask her if she wants to help you cook... involve her. Don't aliente her poor woman

The MIL has at least three DC local to her, why should it be the OP doing this?

I’m surprised how many people are telling u that you are being unreasonable.
It’s your home too. U have the right to be able to relax & have warning when someone is coming to your home, even if it’s your MIL.
Before anyone assumes anything, my husband passed away when I was in my 40’s & we had two teenagers. I had no support from either my or his family.
OP I hope you can suggest that the other family members join in with supporting ur MIL, it should not all rest on you & your husband. If they won’t help then try being busy out of the house Sunday lunch time.

Ii’s kind to support her.
But your DH has to change it up a bit (with your agreement) or soon, it will have become an expectation and she will think she’s done something horribly wrong if the invite for Sunday lunch suddenly doesn’t materialise.
You could pop into hers on Friday with a takeaway.
Or he could take you both out for a pub lunch/picnic on a Saturday.
Or your DH could ask her to cook for him one weekday evening after work if you are doing something else.
Or go to the cinema with her in the week
Ot take her to visit a relative
Just don’t let her come to rely on a specific time of the week.

He can go over to hers, or take her out, rather than requiring you to have your Sundays filched like this.⁸

I'm trying to understand the problem:

If it was your mum and your dad had passed away you'd do it for her so if he asked you'd say yes? In which case does it matter that he hasn't asked?

Is it that he brings her and all the responsibility to cook and entertain is on you? In which case I think you say to him you'd like to maybe alternate a bit so if she's joining you for dinner you eat out maybe every other week?

Is it that your routine now carries and extra responsibility? If so I'd suggest that you're happy to have MIL for tea once a week but would like to vary the days so that you aren't stuck with a routine of every Sunday when you're tired from work

I don't think its unreasonable to feel knackered and underpressure but it's also not unreasonable for DH to assume you're a family in this and his mum needs support (as long as he pulls his weight with the work of actually feeding and entertaining her)

My mil came every weekend from Friday to Sunday evening for months after she was suddenly bereaved. We both worked full time, m-f with two kids at home. It was hard because we were all grieving the loss of a lovely man. Then she met somebody else!

Next Sunday leave him to cook. If he enjoys being seen to look after her let him do the work.

God the way women are expected to pussyfoot around men and manage them.

If you’re cooking dinner regardless I can’t really see the harm in her being there unless she’s rude to you/you generally don’t like her. I’d just make it clear to DH that he has to entertain her/run round after her making drinks etc. It’d also be nice if he could take her out for lunch with the kids sometimes (if you’re happy to lose out on the family time) or maybe she could invite you round to hers sometimes instead?

I can’t believe how much stick you are getting op, and also can’t believe the comments praising your DH for the fact that he is inviting his mum round so that YOU can cook for and entertain her!

Of course it’s fine for him to invite her round every week, but absolutely not ok for him to just expect that you therefore will be cooking for her, without even checking with you first. Such entitlement!

Personally I would start making plans that involve you being out of the house every Sunday, around the time that they would be eating. And not doing any of the prep work for him. Let him do the actual work of hosting his bereaved mother every week, instead of just taking the credit for it.

This ⬆️

She probably just wants to be near people… watch the news with someone, etc.

So, let her take you and your home and family as she finds them. Don’t drop everything or do things differently. It’s kind to be hospitable to the bereaved and while it’s still such early days, this is the right thing to do.

At the same time, weekends are precious when you’re working, and so your husband needs to take his turn at cooking on these Sundays.

Whatever happened to families supporting each other. Reading some of these posts it seems that some people don’t see their MIL as part of their family.

It’s not families thiugh is it - it’s women being expected to do all the caring physical and emotional labour

if it was the OPs mother I can guarantee it wouldn’t be impinging on him at all - he’d tootle about doing whatever the fuck he wanted

I don't think you are unreasonable. If the other siblings aren't seeing her then THEY are being unreasonable. I would, as others have suggested, go out and leave them to it once in a while and tell DH its his turn to cook. The others really should do their bit to support her. It shouldn't all be left to you and DH. Your MIL is grieving, she needs support from the whole family.

Why does it have to be framed as a choice between one extreme or the other i.e. bend over backwards or shut her out? Again, it is one of many really annoying things people do on social media as a form of toxic emotional manipulation. There are shades of grey between the black and white. There are alternatives to dumping the workload on your wife and assuming she is ok with it. How about the husband regularly visits his mother for a cup of tea and a chat? He could, given time, help her to find social connections, it has never been easier to mingle with like minded people and form friendships through social groups. In my household during childhood when one of the grandparent's died, my parents never invited the other around for a meal every week, we, i.e. family members, used to regularly go and visit them and chat to them, when one of them became too frail to cook for themself we cooked an evening meal and took them round every day. Our grandparents were never unhappy through lack of human connection.

Well quite clearly the problem is that your DH is leaving you to do all the cooking and cleaning, and entertaining. If he wants to invite his Mum - which I think is a nice thing when she’s so recently widowed - he needs to step up and do the work involved. Otherwise it’s not a nice gesture from him at all, as he contributes nothing to it.

Also, do something more simple for dinner, it doesn’t have to be a roast.

Let her see your usual Sunday, relaxing and having a rest. She’s family - she needs to see normal family life

i think the stick is because the actual problem wasn’t in the OP - the fact that OP is having to cook and clean up!

If he’s not just passing her needs /being entertained / conversation etc and the cooking and prep etc on to you then yes maybe cut him some slack. If it’s you doing it all and he’s bailing I’d be annoyed too.