AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

Agree he takes you out for lunch once or twice a month… but yeah be kinder, imagine what it’s like to turn up and feel unwelcome.

tell MiL it’s a lazy day and do sandwiches, relax with her around and make it easier, if you’re less formal about a proper meal hopefully she’ll relax too and it’ll be easier.

Your issue isn't your mil but the useless lump of lard you call a dh. If he wants his mum over every weekend then he should be helping you not making more work for you.

My own mil is over for a meal almost every Friday but I don't treat her like a guest, she's family so pitches in. Dh or I cook and she'll often do the dishes or start getting the kids bathed. If yours isn't the type to pitch in then yes I get it, it's physically and mentally draining because you'll be cooking, cleaning and maintaining conversation which at the end of a long week feels like a lot.

Speak to him, say you want him to stop being useless or make your own plans and leave them to it. I'd also not be formal around her so sometimes get a takeaway, sometimes go out for dinner, change it up.

But actions speak louder than words.

And if one or two Sundays they end up with nothing to eat/him panicking when he realises that op isnt going to cook, then so be it.

Sure its a bit embarrassing if mil is there and there is no food, but call him out. Op should explain that she made it very clear she does not want to cook every week and left it up to him...hes the one who looks like a pathetic, lazy arse if he doesn't bother to shove something in the oven. Even frozen pizza with salad and chips is a meal if he isnt a confident cook

If op carries on with the same routine and lets him do nothing, then nothing will change

So actually you have bo real experience or risk of actually having to make extra portions and hosting every week but you're going to argue the point that it's not that hard. Right.

She asked opinions on a public forum...I gave mine...

Really surprised by how harsh some of these responses are.

If the situation were reversed and it was OP's mum, DH would not be dropping everything to cook and clean up afterward. This is the real issue.

If DH wants to see his mother every Sunday, that's fine. But it shouldn't be on OP to entertain her, cook for her, and then clean up after the meal. That's what I think OP is really upset with.

So, MIL is lonely and gets treated to a homecooked meal each Sunday. DH gets to just show up, eat, and walk away from the table What about the OP? There are three people in this equation and her feelings should matter too.

Time to break up this weekly routine as it's become quite established. Maybe once a month you can cook a family meal but the other Sunday DH can cook or take his mother out. Or she can come over at a different time of day when DH can sit and have a coffee with her and there is no pressure put on you.

More like shaming a woman for being tired of being her DH’s and MIL’s skivvy.

More like telling the woman not to be a skivvy to her DH, bloody ridiculous situation and it’s not MIL that’s got her into it, it’s herself!

Honestly, why would she even do this one day?

I agree with you but that’s not what ForestFox was saying, she was insulting OP as cold and heartless and telling OP to keep cooking.

Yabvu for doing all the donkey work and complaining about it online instead of doing something constructive.

Completely agree with all of this!

Failing a proper conversation, or if he ignores your feelings, I’d take myself off for a few Sundays or even a spa weekend - you need to break the cycle!

At the very least, stop cooking / entertaining her & leave it to your DH.

I haven’t read more than your post but my first thoughts are do you do the cooking? Do you do the entertaining?

If you do the cooking and or entertain then don’t. If he wants his Mum over then he can do all the cooking (and washing up if you do that too) and entertaining. You feel free to be there or go elsewhere.
I’m sure after some time he won’t quite enjoy it or want to do it any more.

He could also go out with her to brewers fayre or toby carvery instead of it being at your house all the time.

I personally wouldn’t like my mother in law or my own mother (anyone really) coming over as a routine every Sunday. I like to be able to relax and have some kind of a break before being back at work.
I know people that have family over every week… everyone is different… it’s just not my thing.

I think once a month is reasonable… and he cooks etc so it’s not put on you. Or he takes her out for a Sunday roast.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

No just giving my opinion like everyone else. Move on

In my opinion, the problem isn’t MIL visiting. The problem is the husband not being the one to host and entertain his mom. He needs to be the one to provide the meal, clean for and be the primary one interacting with MIL. OP doesn’t seem cruel, she seems tired.

I think it would also be fair for OP’s husband to take MIL out some Sundays. OP may be someone that needs time at home, away from people outside her immediate family, to recharge.

OP and her husband need to talk this out and work out a solution that supports MIL while giving OP the break she needs. Ultimately, it seems DH needs to step up and do more at home in general, so OP doesn’t get so run down.

Absolutely @Ivymom- as is often the case, Op has a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

Maybe they could compromise and he could cook for her every week.

The poor woman is grieving and her son wants to look after her.
Have a heart fgs.

Her son wants OP to look after her. If he cared, he’d be cooking and tidying. It’s very easy to be generous with other peoples efforts. If he truly cared he’d be inviting her round and doing the grunt work that goes with hosting.

Read the effing thread. He doesn’t look after his mum, he expects the OP to.
(without even asking her first)

She cooks. She’d be cooking anyway. That’s the way their household works. Adding mum in on a Sunday is hardly a hardship and the woman is grieving.
There are some cold hearted people on here too concerned about their strict rules on sharing household tasks to give a thought to the woman who has lost her husband.
If the OP has a problem with her DH and household chores, that’s a different question. This is about a bit of humanity for a woman who is very sad.

Maybe the MIL could come round and cook. I know why people pretend men are helpless wee souls who shouldn't be asked to do a fucking thing but I don't know why people are equating bereavement with helplessness. The OP isn't in the wrong here. At all.

What's stopping you deciding you're going out for the day? Nice wander round the shops and sitting reading a book in a cafe? If you feel guilty or DH gives you a hard time to could leave them each a nice plated up meal with sliced turkey or roast beef, chunks of ham, nice bread, potato/pasta salad, cheeses, etc. You having time to yourself doesn't stop her from spending the day at yours with your DH for company.

Or just feign illness and hide away in your bedroom watching telly or reading.

What does "having to entertain" mean?

What are the other three siblings doing to help out?