DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

I disagree with many posters. He sounds like an absolute arse. I was abused as a child. I would never dream of acting like this at even my abusers funeral. He sounds like a nasty shouty bully.

That's handy to know 🙂

I have experienced similar at a wake. Drink and emotion were largely to blame (inflamed by the attendance of a parent who abandoned the family while young) . Awful and took sometime for reconciliation but I encouraged it once things settled.

I was estranged from my dad and when he died it bought out lots of different emotions, anger, resentment, sadness. At his funeral all the people he drank with at the pub were there talking about how great my dad was but they had no idea how he treated his family and that really upset me and I felt such resentment and anger. Your husband needs compassion and support more than anything.

Was about to say the same!

YANBU. He started on his grieving brother?!

It sounds like your husband struggles to take accountability for his own actions. As you say, fair enough if that’s how he feels, but to do that at a wake is just unacceptable. He shouldn’t have gone if he hates his dad that much.

Is he the kind of bloke who doesn’t mind kicking off but won’t access actual help? I’d be upset at that too.

I didn't have a great relationship with my dad after my mum died and he got re-married to a horrible woman. He favoured her adult children and was a pretty shit grandfather to my kids. I still did a reading at his funeral and didn't make any sort of scene.

As OP's DH didn't visit his dad in hospital when he was dying, I'm not sure why he bothered to go to the funeral. It would have been better if he'd stayed away.

Alcohol & unresolved feelings from the past will always rise to the surface who knows when, don't be hard on him your embarrassment will fade his feelings are real.

I bet his mother and brother's feelings are pretty real today as well. And I suspect DH's relationship with his nephews/nieces are trashed for all time.

Lots of people use m-dashes

Fair enough! I never see them except for ChatGPT. I don’t even know how I’d find one on my keyboard!

I doubt the OP's embarrassment at her husband threatening violence in front of young children is going to fade anytime soon.

Absolutely horrible behaviour making the funeral all about him. But as I saw this at my brother's funeral with various factions ganging up on his ex wife, I made a will saying I don't want a funeral. Much easier.

With more information, yes, threatening violence is not okay and he could apologise for that. I'd work on his shouty ways in marriage counselling maybe. He needs to learn to communicate more constructively.

On the other hand, right now, I'd try to look beyond the delivery for the moment, and support him through the hurt that lay under it. His relationship with his father was obviously very complicated and there's a lot of pain there.

When things have settled, I'd gently talk to him about getting some support to work through the feelings he has with the relationship with his father, and help to communicate in more constructive ways. Especially with a child on the way.

It’s not about you.

“made it all about him”. It was about him. His father died. A wake/funeral is for the people grieving. He’s grieving and has suppressed emotions for years which will all have been brought to the fore by the grief. You need to put your feelings to one side and not make it all about you. He needs support and empathy and to know that you have his back.

It wasn't JUST about him. His mother and his brother, and others, were also bereaved and grieving. And he turned the wake into something pretty horrific for everyone there.

His mother and brother didn't deserve that. It was probably one of the lowest points in his mother's life, and even if she hasn't been the best of mothers, she didn't deserve what he did. And his brother's kids certainly didn't deserve to be scared by him.

So you believe your mil over your husband??

He was out of his face drunk so he probably won't even remember the logics that drove him to threaten violence on his brother in front of two small children.

What do you say to him.

"Darling I understand how angry you are with your dad because you think he preferred your brother and I absolutely empathise with you getting mad drunk and telling your brother that you would smash his head in. Because your grief and anger is way more important than your brother's children's feelings of panic watching a drunk man threaten their father. And certainly more important than your mum's need to grieve"

so much excusing drunken anger on this thread.

Getting drunk and airing grievances is never a good look because you'll just come across as a pissed up fool.
If he has childhood issues a bit of therapy may have the answers and the answers are not to be found at the bottom of a glass.

Maybe it was his way of finally releasing his pent up feelings, if his brother was so obviously treated differently/better. His Dad not being there probably made it finally possible?! Yes though, he could have chosen a more appropriate setting for this eek... Can't imagine this favouritism wasn't noticed by others though, and they probably get why he went off on one like that.. I wouldn't worry about it personally!

Let’s not be hasty. This man had a difficult childhood. His brother was the golden child. He was not. So he did everything possible to heal:

Refused to visit his dying father;
Declined therapy at every opportunity;
Nurtured decades of anger like a bonsai tree;
And waited patiently for the wake.

Then, what a performance!
Drunk off his face? Tick.
Drunken confessionals to strangers? Tick.
Public sibling attack? Tick.
Shouting threats in front of scared children? Absolutely.
Grieving mother? It’s not about her.
And when it was all done, the screaming, the threats and the emotional carpet bombing, he retired to bed.
Meanwhile, his wife, cold, heartless woman that she is, didn’t even thank him for his brave one-man show. She, the real villain of the piece, had the audacity to feel ashamed!

I have much the same relationship with my DM as your DH had with his father. Only it is my younger sister who is the Golden Child. I too come from a different culture (European rather than Asian) with large orchestrated funeral rituals. I absolutely dread my Mum's death.

The convention is that I should be grief stricken when DM dies but I will not be. Mine will be crocodile tears. My Mum is cold and emotionally abusive and like your DH, I will never be good enough. At her funeral I will, as the eldest child, have to give an eulogy praising her love, devotion, motherly skills etc. I dread it. Not the public speaking but hypocrisy of it. To the outside world DM is an earth angel unable to do wrong and no matter what the family maintains this facade. I expect your DH has endured the same. It is exhausting. In the hightened emotional atmosphere of a funeral it is little wonder your DH lost it. I let my mask drop when drunk recently a a wedding and told all to a cousin and they immediately leapt to DMs defence. I didn't lose my temper or anything but deeply regret venting. it must be far worse for your DH. He must be feeling, both embarassed and even more rejected. I am not condoning the violence that accompanied his anger but I do understand it. So please OP forget about what people think and support him. Children of normal parents cannot appreciate the damage wrought by parents who are not the same and how hard it is to deal with. You learn to live with it but the that hurt inner child never truely leaves you.

You do not have to attend your abuser’s funeral. You can be out of action on the day and light a candle for yourself and the child that did not have the mother she deserved. You do not have to put yourself through it. You have been through enough already 💐

Your poor husband. Let him feel his feelings! And support him