DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

OP I think you need to focus less on your husband's behaviour at the funeral and more on your marriage and pregnancy.
You seem to be suggesting that you are questioning the future of the marriage. Given that it was your DH who was keen for children, is this pregnancy definitely what you want just now? I'd hold off telling your DH you are pregnant for now until you decide how you feel about this. In the event that you have second thoughts about the pregnancy and opt to end it I'm not sure I'd tell him at all, as he is obviously a pretty volatile person.

Was he drinking? Maybe time to lay off the drink and get some therapy for his family issues.

I’d be live too OP. Of course he can feel upset and angry, but there was no need to get wasted and turn the funeral into a show about him.

A mature adult should be able to exercise some degree of regulation over their feelings. His feelings may be valid but to totally lose it on a public occasion and to threaten violence in front of young children and extended family is not excusable. It sounds as if he has no regard at all for the impact on other people.
I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel embarrassed and it also sounds as if he has issues with self control more generally.
OP-it's not up to you to mend this and I don't think it would help to show him that you are angry.
In a couple of weeks I think you do need to talk to him about the anger outbursts and disregard for other peoples feelings, mainly yours. You are about to have a child with someone who sounds emotionally immature.

The always angry shouting man is a big drip feed... That is not just someone losing it at wake/funeral..

If its a repetitive pattern then i thik you should suggest he finds help with his inability to manage emotions... And maybe bereavement counselling could be a gateway to that ..as a condition to continuing a relationship...

Equally think about why you got pregnant with a man that shouts at you..... Maybe look at something like the freedom programme and/or counselling for yourself.. as its really poor recommendation for a parent

I would never apologise for a frequent drunk shouty man... My dad was one.... Equally I would never have children with one.

^ this, in a nutshell.
You OP talk to him, reassure him, ask him if he would like to go to therapy.
Embarrassed, that's the least of the issues here.

Funerals can bring out deep emotional outbursts.
Especially Irish Funerals with a 3 day wake.
He won't be the first or last.
My mother always said that she didn't want her DC to get drunk at her wake. She died during lock-down, there was no pubs open, or wake, she got her wish. 😅
He will feel better soon.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks.

I’m firmly of the opinion that there’s very little that can’t be blamed on a man, somewhere along the line. But just maybe there’s a very valid reason why he’s an angry, shouty man. I won’t say that he’s constantly angry, because that’s come from you and is not what the OP actually said. I’m not saying that she should have to accept being shouted at. Of course she shouldn’t. But sad, angry little boys turn into sad, angry men. If she’s going to stay with him, she needs to forget about being embarrassed when the results of his childhood trauma are displayed and instead tell him that he needs to sort himself out so that she and any children don’t have to suffer alongside him. She seems more concerned about seeing his family again than she does about understanding why her husband is the way he is, and whether it’s possible for him to change so she can have a happy marriage.

And, actually, perhaps if parents put a bit more consideration into who they had children with, there were be less traumatised children wandering about when the absolute sodding obvious happens and it all goes horribly wrong. This pregnancy didn’t happen by accident. This isn’t a situation where birth control failed, or a woman gets pregnant with the man of her dreams and he then turns into an abusive arsehole. She actively planned a pregnancy with a man who she knows can’t control his temper when he gets angry and ignores her until he has calmed down. So yes, she does bear some responsibility for that decision. And I would support her until the cows come home with what she does next (which, in my opinion, should be to separate until he’s taken anger management classes and counselling for his emotional issues), but all she’s done so far is put herself on the starting blocks to repeat the whole bloody circle of trauma with the next generation.

His mum is probably in denial about how he was treated growing up. My parents think they were brilliant parents to me, they weren’t awful, but I’ve got a lot of emotional trauma from my upbringing that they are in complete denial about.

I think you need to be on his side and support him through this. It’s sounds like he’s going through a bad time.

Did people miss the bit where OP said he was off his face drunk.

I'm as sympathetic as the rest of you to the trauma that a death brings - particularly if you had a poor relationship with the deceased but then you don't get off your face drunk - you go, say what you want to but remain in control.

I can't imagine being sympathetic to dh if got roaring drunk at his dad's funeral and threatened his brother "I'll smash your head in" in front of his wife and 7 and 8 year old children. I certainly wouldn't want to give him a hug.

OP, your dh has some really deep unresolved issues and very poor control of his anger - he already shouts at you behind closed doors. For me, I would want him to get therapy to address these issues otherwise - when will the next big blowout be? And will there actually be smashing of heads at the next one? His boundaries when drunk are really really poor.

I believe his feelings are valid. But his lack of control makes me worried for you. Is he able to control himself when he's upset over other things? Is he aggressive with you at home?

Must be horribly traumatic for him. Unresolved issues which feels can now never be raised with his late dad. But…. I agree with you that the funeral was not the time nor the place to raise this so vocally. The funeral had people there who wanted to respectfully say goodbye to him, and by him kicking off in the way he did, it made it all about him. He wanted people to understand what he went through, but the problem is they won’t focus on that now, but will just focus on the fact he disrupted the funeral, which should have been allowed to progress in a respectful way. I’d encourage him to get some therapy and counselling.

Tell us you were the golden child without telling us....

Yanbu

It was not the time or the place.

How bloody embarrassing for you.

Tell us that you have read the script and think every family situation follows the same pattern without telling us.

YABU.

I know from bitter experience that people can do really odd stuff when they're grieving. And even more so when the relationship was complicated.

I remember my own (normally really level-headed) mum, on the 1-year anniversary of my dads death, going off on an insane rant about some photos I'd had printed for her. They weren't even pictures of dad, but were a few snapshots of her and her sisters taken at a wedding earlier that summer.
Her rant was just so bizarre and out of character that I was utterly thrown and it really upset me.

The next morning, dad's actual anniversary, she suddenly starts crying about how much she misses him. Then I was like, "ah, right." The bizarre outburst was made clear.

In the case of your DH, OP. He needs your love and support, not your anger.

Abortion. Now. And move on with your life.

My grandma said this to me when I was having doubts about my exH, who I had just married and had been treating me like shit in the run up to the wedding everything can be undone, you can get a divorce, sell the house, make more money, make new friends. But do not have a baby until you are 100% sure this is the man for you because you will be tied to him for the rest of your life

I divorced him a year later and now have a baby with a wonderful man.

Having a baby is an enormous change and it brings out the worst in men.

Don't subject a child to a lifetime of shouting and abuse.

Oh please can we stop making excuses for a grown man at a funeral?

He may be the scapegoat. He may also be a loser who blames everyone else for his failings.

Getting drunk and shouting abuse at your family during your father's funeral is horrible.

Nope - it was my brother. He lives abroad. Didn’t come to the funerals (yes neither parent).

You need to give your DH some support . You spoke of trauma when he was young, it must've been bad for him not to talk about it , that's probably why it all exploded for him at the funeral .

Honestly regardless of history I think having to be pulled away from someone is pretty bad form . I get he is traumatised but violence is never ok in any circumstances. He should be a bit embarrassed .

This.

Seriously, OP. Think about it. All the feelings on not being loved, always being unfavoured, his 'golden child' brother likely loving the pedestal and rubbing it in growing up and into adulthood, mum standing by and allowing it to happen or worse, joining in, and now no chance for his dad to apologise/try to fix it/or frankly your husband to tell him he was a shit dad and go LC or NC on his own terms. THAT's what came out.

Therapy...

Embarrassment is an appropriate response to putting your foot in it despite your best intentions, to unwittingly walking out of the loo with the back of your skirt tucked into your pants, to reaching for some food and accidentally knocking a glass of red wine over your friend's white trousers... getting hammered at your estranged father's funeral, pouring out your childhood trauma to anyone and everyone and then threatening your brother with physical violence is not the time for being embarrassed. It's the time for being deeply concerned and listening to the wake up call that's just smacked you and everyone else in the face. But the likelihood is that no one's listening so there will be sulking and shame and regrets and reprimands but fundamentally, nothing will change.

This. He didn't visit his dad while he was dying in hospital, but showed up at the funeral, got smashed and tried to start a fight. Why bother?
His brother had also lost a father. His brother's kids who he kicked off in front of had lost their grandad. His mum had lost her husband. OP's husband is a selfish prick and owes a lot of people an apology. However, it's not your family OP so don't get involved, let him deal with the fallout.

Are you using ChatGPT to write these posts? The long dash is a bit of a giveaway.