DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

I’d be questioning why no one stepped in sooner to help him? Yes, he’s a grown man who is responsible for himself but I can’t imagine watching my husband (or my son, or my brother) getting more and more drunk and distressed, and not intervening. Even the scene of “forcing” him into a cab to go home would be better than what happened, which was totally foreseeable and inevitable once he started drinking and getting upset about how he’d been treated.

His behaviour was inappropriate and I can understand why you’re embarrassed, but I can’t understand the complete lack of empathy you’re showing to him. You can disapprove of someone’s actions but also understand why it happened and still want to help them handle the consequences.

No, I'm not in the "poor diddums" camp.

Don't breed with this abusive dickhead. Nobody should be shouted at, or 'pursuaded' to have a baby. You should have been enthusiastically consenting. I think your marriage deserves a rethink.

I can’t have a glass of wine in my mothers company in case I say something I shouldn’t - well something I should but you know what I mean. I’m taking this as a reminder to myself to not let a drop of alcohol touch my lips when she pops her clogs. I’ve no siblings but there will be loads of people there telling me how fabulous she was. Husband will be deployed to watch over me like a hawk.

YABU-why are you embarrassed? He clearly needs support.

OP think every carefully about proceeding with a pregnancy and tying yourself to this man. Whatever unresolved issues he has are not yours to absorb, and certainly not a child's. Life is easier not shackled to a man with anger issues.

That’s what grief and years of bad feeling can do to you. Please be kind to him.

That’s what grief and years of bad feeling can do to you.

Yeah, it was defiantly that rather than the eight pints of Wife-Beater.

As someone mentioned it is interesting that you are not supporting him - very common to replicate parental relationships when older - seems like he may be used to not being supported. I am Irish and recognise the shame aspect but I don’t think the repression is healthy and what has led to this outburst down the line - maybe encourage him to speak to someone like a counsellor and stop seeking answers from his family. His brother is likely fine and being supported by those around him your husband needs your support

As someone mentioned it is interesting that you are not supporting him

She doesn't say she isn't supporting him, she's just saying she isn't happy with what he did, and very few people would be.

Like others, I would support your DH and realise his Mum will have her own version of events depending on what suits her - to own up to the fact that she stood by while your DH's dad was abusive could be too much for her to take on. What a shit show.
I'd also ask why you both went to the funeral in the first place? A person's emotional health is far more important than keeping up appearances. If that was my Dad I'd be staying away and having a celebratory drink at home.

Which includes his mother, the brother he threatened and the two children he threatened violence in front of.

It's staggering how many people are excusing him getting abusive and threatening violence in front of two children at their grandfathers funeral

I think that if you have never felt this way and/or experienced childhood trauma then it's very hard for you to understand.
To judge your husband and have zero empathy, for me, means YABU.

OP said he was in bed and she doesn’t know what to say to him and is she unreasonable to be livid?? I think we can deduce she is not being particularly supportive and even if she is she is clearly more concerned about how embarrassed she is and what his other family members think

He obviously handled it badly, both in terms of how it affected him, and his behaviour at the event.
His behaviour was wrong on every level. Don't make excuses for him. He needs to apologise to a lot of people, starting with you.

I’m actually surprised that so many people think this is an okay way to behave.

I feel sorry for your husband being honest ..
He drank too much & everything came out .
Be kind to him OP …

No one thinks its an OK way to behave, but grief - especially grief from the death of a parent - can send people a bit mad for a while and lots of people have empathy for that

This is a very difficult time for your DH but I can see both sides of this. Embarrassment for you and years of pent up frustration for him. He's also grieving and grief releases a lot of unpredictable emotions that appear without warning.
I know you probably don't feel like it at the moment, but it's important to stay strong for DH and just be there for him. Stay strong 💐

Sadly in this case, “ in vino veritas “, his deep feelings came to the surface.
He needs to apologise for his behaviour as it was inappropriate.
But it’s obvious he feels this to be true - just the worst place to voice it it after having a drink.

YANBU. Unless there's more to his dad's behaviour thank favourism.

I get he's upset and grieving, but threatening someone is never OK. The favouritism might have been difficult for his brother too, he didn't deserve to be intimidated at his dad's funeral and their poor mum, its terrible for her.

But I think you still need to offer some sympathy, help him apologise (because no one at the wake deserved his behaviour) and maybe support him in finding some counselling

He soumds awful.
Do you really want this selfish shouty mans child, to be stuck with him?

Don't rush into a decision or telling him.

Why did he attend the funeral? He could have just stayed away.

I don’t think you should be livid with him? I think it was clearly a difficult relationship and yes, your DH handled it wrongly but grief can be complicated.
I personally also wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of his family. It’s his family.
id bring him a water, some paracetamol and lend a listening ear. He knows he messed up so doesnt need you telling him too

Interesting responses here. Yes he is grieving but the funeral was not the time or place for this, especially attacking his brother. I would also find it difficult to face his family again, although you're unlikely to be invited for Sunday dinner anytime soon!

I’m actually surprised that so many people think this is an okay way to behave.

Grieving men on here get a total free pass for some reason.