DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

[Colpered]

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

I am flabbergasted at this thread.

A newly pregnant woman, who isn't sure she even wants to have a child and has been subject to what sounds like abusive behaviour for years- and then the stark reality hits when she sees her husband threaten physical violence in front of a 7yo and 8yo - and MN is lining up to tell her, put your fears about your own future aside and support him? Ignore your own flashing danger signals, stamp down your uneasiness and make him a cup of tea?

Oh and "congrats on your pregnancy" - someone even said it might cheer her H up - seriously? She may not want to be pregnant. He pressured her into it!

She sounds "cold" because she is reeling, just discovered she is pg, and scared! She is allowed her own feelings! Of course it is about her, it's her life.

This thread is just awful, accusing her of being a bot and I don't even know what else. Christ.

Bit snarky

This is what I don’t understand. He went non contact with his father despite the fact that he was dying. Why attend the funeral then ? I suspect that part of the problem is that he now realises his father is gone for good and there is no chance to put things right. Had he not been so hasty in cutting the contact during his fathers’ dying days, there may have been a chance for reconciliation. Now he’ll never know, and he’ll have to live with that. None of which is an excuse or even a valid reason for behaving like that at the funeral. Other people were grieving - not least his mother, the widow. Many posters here accusing the OP of making it about herself. I think that’s misdirected - her DH disregarded everyone else’s feelings and made it all about him.

And I don’t think she’s least bit unreasonable in wondering how to handle things when she sees her in laws again. She’s part of the family - I think it would be odd if she wasn’t bothered.

Yep. Agree. Lots of internalised misogyny going on here.

" A newly pregnant woman, who isn't sure she even wants to have a child and has been subject to what sounds like abusive behaviour for years- and then the stark reality hits when she sees her husband threaten physical violence in front of a 7yo and 8yo - and MN is lining up to tell her, put your fears about your own future aside and support him? " The OP posted about how embarrassed she was about her husband's behaviour at his estranged father's funeral. The details about finding out she was pregant the day the father died and all the other details came much later. The OP was a full post about the author's personal embarrassment about her husband's behaviour at the wake of his father. To put people's objections down to internalised misogyny is in fact to completely ignore and dismiss what a woman posted and what the women on MN were responding to in good faith that the OP was genuine 😒

Even taking the original post at face value, grieving is not an excuse to be a drunken, aggressive lout and disrupt a funeral where there are other bereaved people suffering too.

The only salient detail was given in the original post. He was off his face drunk and threatening and had to be pulled away at a funeral.

But yeah - the man needs a hug.

Yeah, if his drunken grief had lead him to sent a smutty WhatsApp to an ex they'd all be shouting LTB, but threaten a young family and you get unquestioning sympathy.

How incredibly sad; I would suggest he needs support rather than judgment and an understanding of why he felt like this and how you can guide him through this.

Let's compile a list of things the OP can do to guide him through it. I'll start

1. DH, don't get off your face drunk at family events.

It sounds like your DH is furious because his Dad died and he has unresolved conflict that now he can never address with his Dad. He sounds a bit envious of his brother. Obviously the alcohol made your DH bolder and fuelled the shouting. He shouted at his brother because he can't shout at his Dad. He is obviously going through a very difficult experience and needs your support. Tell him about your pregnancy and it will give him something to take the focus away from his anger. Your DH needs to apologise to his Mum and brother though. I'd be telling him that.

I would suggest he needs support rather than judgment and an understanding of why he felt like this and how you can guide him through this.

Why's it OPs job? He's a grown man, she can't fix his issues for him.

Tell him about your pregnancy and it will give him something to take the focus away from his anger.

A not-particularly-wanted pregnancy is not a tool to calm down angry violent men.

Exactly this

Great advice but too late after the event for many women and men who’ve got shitfaced and abusive/offensive at their close family funerals. The question is how to address the singular and particular cause of an individual’s choice to behave this way in order to effectuate actual personal responsibility and growth. Of course, I’m referring to real and genuine, people, not made up dramas.

Not sure his fathers wake can the put in the same category as a “family event” … people deal with grief in so many different ways

When else was he supposed to get closure with his father for being so shitty? Without therapy this was bound to happen. He can apologize to his mum and brother when he’s had time to cool off. Maybe his father didn’t deserve to have a respectful send off

And if the OP divorces her husband and years later he gets off his face drunk at their child's graduation and threatens to smash her new partner's face in because he never dealt with his trauma of divorce through therapy - will that be bound to happen too?

He's grieving, grief can pull up allsorts of old wounds, he's probably feeling the weight of never havinv the relationship he wanted with his dad and now that oppurtunity has passed. Coupled with likely feeling embarrassed over his behaviour.
i hope you and all the other guests can show him some grace. It sounds like he'll be having an awful time with it and has a lot to process and work through now.

Maybe his father didn’t deserve to have a respectful send off

Maybe his mother and brother deserved to not have the funeral of their spouse and father marred by violence.

Well put. Completely agree!

I'm not sure why some posters are congratulating the op on her pregnancy?! Sounds like a terrible idea tbh.

It is so bizarre to me... I don't know if PP are just practicing selective reading, or they think that his behaviour is totally fine. OP's not just shared about the funeral, this man was a red flag before his father died, in other situations in their home.

Yet PP are absolutely fixated on the funeral and telling OP she needs to "be kind".

Being pregnant with a man like this would be terrifying and OP should be validated and encouraged to consider whether it is a good idea or even safe for her and children.

Shouty men who threaten violence usually follow through at some point (in my experience). A job loss, an unexpected baby... Things that can trigger them into acting on their threats.

We can acknowledge that her husband may of had a bad relationship with his father, without making OP feel like she has to put up and shut up.

It's staggering how many people are excusing him getting abusive and threatening violence in front of two children at their grandfathers funeral

It really is.

he's probably feeling the weight of never having the relationship he wanted with his dad and now that oppurtunity has passed.

Well maybe if he hadn’t cut his father off when he was dying the opportunity for a resolution may have presented itself. Why would you cut someone out of your life and then attend their funeral ?

Why would you cut someone out of your life and then attend their funeral ?

The DH clearly has a lot of conflicting and unresolved grief about the failure of the parent-child relationship. So in life, he was unable to go on and form a healthy adult relationship with his father because he didn't have a happy childhood. So he had to create distance. Then in death his response to the unresolved nature of his relationship was a total breakdown at the funeral. It's terribly sad and I hope he is able to seek help and support to help him move forward.