To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

@BtowngirlI have started to, but another example he patted the top of his head not softly but not really hard either but heard enough that I worried about babies soft spot, and I didn’t know if he knew babies had this.

I said don’t touch him there as he has a soft spot and it isn’t good for them to which he did it again and laughed.

He genuinely thought it was amusing and that I was being over reacting.

Is a fairly soft pat on a newborns head me over reacting? I feel like I’ve almost lost sense and confidence of when I should and shouldn’t step in. And even if I was I just think he should let me know given I’m a new mom just protecting my son.

but then I start questioning myself and have no idea what is critical to stepping on and what isn’t / my brain is just scrambled.

@Btowngirlthis is it, my issue was f he has put him in the dining room to sleep then he started crying, I still have issue with this as we don’t have a baby monitor in that room.

so either way I didn’t agree, he has either put him unattended to sleep in the dining room OR actively put DC there to distance himself from the crying.

both things IMO are not good

there was no other reason for DC to be in the dining room with the doors shut screaming with white noise on, there’s no other logical explanation.

Tell him you're going to ask healthcare professionals for their expert opinion on each issue. Let your concerns be recorded

@RubyBirdytbh I’m at an age where having a second is unlikely but even if it was, given this experience I think I feel similar to you. Unless he reflected and said things would be different

Patting on the head is, in my opinion, a slightly odd thing to do anyway - even if gentle. It’s what you do to dogs, not your own child. Is your DH perhaps struggling to bond with the baby? I mean that wouldn’t be unusual.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
Him tapping your baby firmly on the head is abuse.
Laughing at your concetn is abuse.
You not telling your family is you protecting him.

Its your baby who needs protecting.
You know how this sounds thats why you are not telling your family.

Do not go back.
Speak to your GP and health visitor.
That baby is not save with him.

Take the safety issues very seriously.

They always say it will be different don’t fall for that

So he cried so hard that he got sick. Wow. Your DH is cruel to leave him crying for so long😡

You seem to do a lot of “kind” explaining to your DH. He’s not a child. He needs telling outright he’s doing things wrong and being cruel to your baby!

I wouldn’t have been kind to anyone who treated my baby like that! Not that I’d have given them the chance!

Its not always what is done in a relationship that shows the abuse, it is the way it makes you feel. How the other person makes you feel.

Because explaining simple actions can have multiple explanations and views. Like you see here on this thread. You could argue forever. Did he pat babys head too firmly or did he not? Should the baby be left alone in a room or should he not? The proof is in the way he orchestrates the situations for you to feel in the way he wants you to feel. Crazy? Exhausted? Controllable? Reactive? Submissive? Weak?

You are tying yourself in knots on this thread and with your husband @safetyfirst1 he’s playing mind games with you and putting your tiny baby in danger.Please take the advice of @Dunnowotot and @Profpudding you must become solely responsible for your baby till you decide what to do. It’s hard many of us have had no choice but to go it alone. It will at least ensure your precious baby is safe. Also talk to your Mam. I would want to know what was going on if you were my daughter.

I get where you are coming from, tbh I looked into the risk with soft spots as our first DD had so much hair you couldn’t see it, so I was a bit edgy when we could see DD 2s. The risk is low apparently as it’s protected by a very strong membrane, although this is by the by as it seems like the main issue is communication breakdown.

8 weeks is so so early PP, I am not saying this to devalue your feelings as they’re completely valid. But I only stopped crying daily at 6 weeks PP. Not sure what you and DH are like usually but personally I’d be having a conversation when nothing else is going on, to explain my concerns and that it’s not a reflection on him as a parent just that there are some things I am just not comfortable with and would appreciate if he respected that in instances you identify it.

Its important to nail open communication and working as a team over the coming weeks and months as you guys are going to parent together forever now.

I am sure you’d want to know if it were your daughter but equally it would probably case a rift.

they already seem to butt heads since baby is born over similar things to me funnily enough.

they had a spat about what angle to feed the baby which is a whole other issue we also argued about for days and I posted separately about (DH wanted to feed baby almost flat I felt upright and in the end we decided to just leave it to whoever looks after baby), so I don’t think this will help matters

Stop. This is pointless advice. The dh is acting out his anger at the OP over the existence of the dishwasher by abandoning an infant to cry it out. This is not a difference of opinion. It is not a teachable moment.

at 8 weeks baby should be in the room all the time with you - they sleep in same room, the nap in same room, for safety, for nurturing, for attachment. Baby getting sick and crying hysterically and dad not bothering to go to him is neglect. It’s a parenting choice all right but not one any decent parent is okay with.

its good that you brought it up again in the morning - you’re right to always put the needs of your baby first, and to advocate for them even if it means a difficult learning journey for your partner. Some things are not acceptable, you did right to intervene.

I'm not trying to defend his parenting - I was dad to several kids, and I was basically perfect in every way 😉😃- but to offer a possible explanation - he's probably stressed out to the max, doesn't know what to do or how to parent, and is trying to 'problem solve' - maybe in the only way he knows how. He hasn't yet realised that babies don'r follow logic, and that your problem solving needs to be a little more aware of the realities, and adapt to them.

@InterestedDad37yes but why the defensiveness and anger towards me when I point out it wasn’t the way I’d have done things I tried my best to be diplomatic - I didn’t say don’t ever do that again blah blah blah. Why couldn’t he have reflected and said yes I was stressed out instead of shouting and getting angry at me?

That I can't answer, I'm afraid - I'm sorry for you that you were on the receiving end of such unthoughtful and unnecessary behaviour. I wish you happiness, and hope things work out for the better. Take care of yourself too, you sound like a wonderful mother.

Your 8-week baby needs you and your instincts, not their father who clearly has no understanding of child development. At this age they want you, your smell, and added to that your partner made poor choices that were bordering on cruel. Is this his attempt at some kind of sleep training? If so it’s way too early.

@InterestedDad37thank you, I wouldn’t be so saddened by this event if my husband saw me as his team rather than opponent ie - said I’m finding this really tough can you stay up with me for the feed for example or I’m struggling when he cries not sure what to do etc instead of making me out to be wrong/overprotective/rude/bossy for raising it.

honestly I just reimagined the whole scene play out and it got me upset.

Seems like he is unfairly turning this on I OP which is very unfair and insensitive.
You have every right to be upset
Take care of yourself.

Think you need to buy more bottles.

@Starzinskyno I just need to not load all of them in the dishwasher and leave a couple out

Small babies need physical contact to feel safe and learn how to soothe their distress. If you hear your baby crying like that again, never hesitate for fear of offending your husband. Your baby needs you now. Go and get him.