To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

[safetyfirst1]

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting.

We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after.

I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check.

When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up.

DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there.

What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically.

When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case).

AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me.

WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right?

Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

@Genevievai did and I’m glad I did, I still reimagine the way the baby cried now and the whole thing keeps replaying in my head.

Babies don’t like sleeping alone. All this back and forth to another room to hold a crying baby. I don’t get it. Sleep with the baby and save yourself all this trouble

Oh go away with this sanctimonious shite. A struggling new mum with an unhelpful (and possibly struggling) DH doesn't need to be told smugly how wonderful breastfeeding is. Read the room. Christ on a bike.

Your husband is an idiot who likes to think he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. He needs to accept that and take your lead as mother. He’ll come into his own as baby gets older. He sounds bloody pig headed though, so god knows if you’ll get that through to him.

You did. And you won’t wait until the cry changes next time. In terms of the different evolutional role played by Mum and Dad, contact with Mum is best at regulating a baby’s emotions when he’s upset and needs soothing. By picking him up and helping him relax you are teaching him to self-sooth. Babies don’t learn that by feeling abandoned. Dads are best at exciting babies and toddlers and teaching them how to handle those emotions, how to play physically without hurting someone, how to be adventurous without doing something dangerous. Your husband may feel a bit useless right now, as the baby only needs you, but his time will come.

Your DH is a dick. Unsupportive at best. Abusive at worst.

Did either of you attend prenatal classes and if not why not? Have either of you ever spent time with other babies?

I've never used a dishwasher for bottles, I didn't think it was recommended. There is no excuse for leaving an 8 week old baby to cry for 20 minutes. His instincts should have been to soothe his child.

You need to focus on your own instincts because he is gaslighting you. Its the not supporting ypu and wanting to argie over anpont that im strugglingbto understand. He could have held baby whilst the dishwasher finished then put him down to make the bottle safely. I appreciate he might ot uave been thinking straight but he shouldnt jave got all defensive and then turned it on you.You are only 8 weeks postpartum and I find his behaviour concerning. I'm only going off of what I have read though, you know him.

The only thing I would say it is very easy to feel as a mum that you are an expert in all things baby. Often mothers will keep the father at a distance believing their approach is the correct one when this isn't always the case. My dh was an equal parent from the get go but I had to learn not to immediately step in when he was soothing our son for example as that would undermine him. He had to learn and develop his own way to soothe him and he did. My approach wasnt the only way! That was difficult as I knew I could do it much more quickly. However, my child was never at risk, dh always tried to comfort him whenever he cried and if ever I had thought any of mine were being treated in a way which was unsafe I'd have raised it as he would have too.

I think taking some time to stay with family is wise. Hopefully they are supportive so you can get some rest and sleep. Trust your instincts and best of luck op.

Your husband is a massive arsehole and a bad Father and he sounds abusive. Supporting a child at that age is about supporting the Mother. An 8 week old needs it's Mother. He doesn't support you or he isn't even kind to you, so that shows he doesn't give two shits about his son. What was he doing trying to sleep train an 8 week old? Next time you hear your baby cry like that, come down and take him off that fuckhead of a husband and I wouldn't be sugar coating what I said to him either. If you feel like you can't take your child back when you want to, and you can't be honest with him when he is mistreating you child, then you are not supporting your baby. It sounds like you will have an easier time if you left him and lived with you Mother or a bit

He needs a parenting course as the bare minimum. New borns are not there to validate men. Most women are breastfeeding at this stage so the Father doesn't do any feeding, and they don't become massively insecure about it. They bond in other ways. Your baby cried so much it caused him to vomit. Don't let your husband do that to him again.

I hope you're ok OP; it sounds like a worrying experience.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how did your DH act before your baby was born?

Is he working full time and then with the baby 8pm- 1am every night? Do you spend anytime together?

Take care of yourself!

I would imagine his goal is that you do everything for the baby and he does nothing. He doesn’t want autonomy to look after the baby in his own way, he wants you to know that the only way the baby will be properly taken care of is that you do it yourself.
And he’s prepared to risk your child’s safety to do this.
If you are going to be taking care of the baby 100% alone anyway, you might as well live alone too.

@TheSparklySharkthank you so much. We have done some date nights although we spend a lot less time together of course. Yes he does spend 8-1am each night and works too. In reality it ends up being 9 or 10pm some days as I keep the baby until I go to bed but he’s agreed 8-1am

he works for himself so comes home in the afternoon around 2/3pm has a sleep goes gym then carries on working often until the night time

he also has DC sometimes in the morning when I’m exhausted from night he takes him 8-10

How is that dumb? If anything, an involuntary form of communication is more valuable because it will happen whether or not the baby is aware to articulate it.

And if you think it's "dumb" to find it useful that babies will tongue-thrust for hunger, or make the "come get me" call in the first six months, when is that information supposed to be useful?

Bottles should have been washed and sterile before you both went to bed. I didn't expect my DH to do the night feeds as he was working and I could sleep when baby slept. Be better prepared I'm future.

@safetyfirst1 Do you have anyone who could come stay with you for a little while? You have an 8-week-old baby and sound utterly defeated and sad, not from being a new mother but because of your awful husband.

It has gotten to the point where he is using your tiny son to prove some sort of point, and you are too scared to stand up to him. This isn't right, it's not normal.

Fucking hell. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's a pity they can't bottle empathy because you certainly need to be fed some.

From your updates he sounds a massive know it all and doesn’t like to be told there might be a different way of doing things to what he’s decided. Is it his personality to be so strong minded and unwilling to listen?
With a baby there are things that need to be done a certain way like safe sleeping, baby being in the same room, not too much time in containers, rear facing car seats… all of this stuff only requires a quick check to show it’s the latest guidance. You really shouldn’t have been finding scientific studies to ‘prove’ that this is the right way of doing things.

the fact he is requiring this of you at 8 week post partum is insane and quite cruel. You just want the best for your baby, and so should he.

could you speak to your midwife team and get some advice from them? I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve encountered men like this and they may be able to help. Also if it’s affecting your mental health you can get support.

So we talked again tonight and he’s promised he will never do it again. He started showing me articles of websites saying it’s ok to walk away from a crying baby. I pointed out that’s advice if you’ve done alll you can (I assume this is andvice if you are worried you may harm the baby.) but he didn’t say he felt overwhelmed so I just am confused

he still sticks by he wouldn’t have stopped the dishwasher early but he should have got travel bottles - I have no idea why the dishwasher can’t be stopped.

anyway, now I’ve made him promise he won’t do it again I’m scared shitless that what if it happens again and instead he got frustrated at the baby because of the promise he made to me.

what do I do now as he asked me to never bring it up again - if I do it’s going to cause a real issue. He said he’s promised he won’t do it again and that should be enough.

OP, he knows well its wrong.
Speak to your GP and health visitor.
You are rightly nervous of him.
I wouldn't risk your baby with him again.
I'm so sorry,but I wouldn't.
Babies are so easily hurt.
I couldn't risk it.

Also what came out of our discussion were a few more things to put into context;

For full context - baby had been fed only about 2 hours before this happened. DH was questioning whether baby truly needed feeding again or was just comfort-seeking, as he can be quite demanding with feeds. DH didn’t know baby had been sick when he left him in the dining room. This seems to be more about our different approaches to responding to crying vs. scheduled feeding.

So what if the baby was “just comfort seeking?” He didn’t give it comfort!

Your dh has a really, really, dysfunctional attitude towards making mistakes—lots of shame and aggressive rejection of anything you say or any information he didn’t know already. He is not going to work respectfully and joyfully as a team with you. He has just an enormous, wounded, touchy, ego that gets in the way. Two good books are Raising Life Long Learners” and “Raising the Optimistic Child”—these two books will help you both understand what he missed which is how to happily learn new things and joyfully make mistakes and keep trying.

Christ what the hell did I read?! Please don’t leave your DH with your child alone. He is borderline neglectful at best, at worst he’s a risk to your child.

How do you have different approaches to responding to crying?! When your baby cries, you respond to them! Especially a newborn, ffs.

This is all so concerning and there is no way in hell I would leave him alone with my child if I were you.

So many red flags. So sorry for you but you need to do something. This is not a nice man or someone you can leave your baby with safely.

It's completely possible if your baby is demanding frequent feeds and vomitting that he/she has reflux and is in pain from heartburn.

Your baby is only 8 weeks old, it is completely normal for them to want to eat every 2-3 hours, sometimes more frequently when going through a growth spurt or a developmental milestone that means they need more comfort. The fact that your DH does not understand normal newborn behaviour is a big concern. If he understood better then his frustrations would (hopefully) be greatly eased. Get the man into a parenting class or a book on parenting ASAP or he’s going to do your LO real physical and psychological harm. Promises that it won’t happen again are meaningless if he doesn’t expand his knowledge and change his own behaviour.