Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

Ah thank you, you are absolutely right.

When I saw him my immediate thought was "oh for gods sake, I'm not dealing with him" so it's not as though I was going to talk to him either, but I did feel sad for half an hour or so afterwards.

It's not so much about him but about feeling rejected as a person if that makes sense? I have ADHD (rejection sensitivity is a big thing for me) and would have felt equally sad had it been anybody else. An old friend / relative I no longer speak to.

On a brighter note I did observe that he looked like a bit of a scruff in his creased shirt and ill-fitting trousers, whereas I looked great if I do say so myself 😂

At the very least you would have expected him to come over and acknowledge your existence. And for all of those saying why is op waiting for a response, I think it’s normal to want some closure, even if you are the one ending the relationship. He is again, withholding the closure with silent treatment.

He is operating a very cold game. There is nothing genuine in his cold response when he saw you. He is bad news.

I have no doubt he was preparing you to be a runner for his needs, someone that drops everything to accommodate him.

Your future role was to take care of his kids number one - that frees him up from the drudgery (he could see what a great mother you was) pleasure him in whatever way he wants, bend to his needs and drop your dc when he needs ‘adult time’. Capitulate to him.

You have failed on the main task - putting him before all else - inc your own dc. So he weaponises your sensitivity to rejection and abandonment (most of us have that to some degree) by reminding you regularly he can cut you off and cut you down in a heartbeat.

You don’t actually know this man in the way you think you do. What kind of person ignores their partner like that? In time you are going to look back on this with relief.

Mel Robbins is great and empowering if you need more material op 💪🏻

Indeed. I would have thought at the very least he'd nod or wave. It is sinister isn't it? Damn.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about him weaponising rejection sensitiity, I remember talking to him about how that's a thing for neurodiverse people. He must've logged it ready to use when I step out of line.

In his deluded head he will be telling himself I'm the one who's caused all of this, I'm the one that kicked off (IE held him to account for messing with plans and ruining the weekend for all 4 kids). I'm the one who's ended it. Etc.

There's no reasoning with people like that and he will never see himself as having done anything wrong.

I'm going to have a listen to Mel Robbins, thank you 🙂

I really feel sorry for his children, I reckon his ex feels unable to pull him up on his behaviour, when he rejects them and cancels plans with DC for any mistake they make, as he would take it out on them.

It is quite sinister.

It is as a minimum really unkind. Imagine having such a loving, intimate relationship and then after having a tantrum, upsetting everyone, you can’t even muster a hello, much less a heart felt, genuine apology when you see them in person!

It’s astonishing. Even to me it’s astonishing that he would choose just ignore you in the street.

It is the cold reaction of a sociopath.

It may simply boil down to the fact he doesn’t feel much love or emotion for anyone, and it’s not personal at all.

That would explain why he is so awful to his own children, and why his marriage failed. You are only just discovering there is a lack of real, deep lasting love now, but maybe it was always there. No one behaves like that with someone they love deeply op. Unless they are high on drugs.

He is a fake. Pure and simple.

Thank goodness you didn’t marry him. This would be your life.

Mel is amazing! Just what you need 🫡

I do too. They are lovely kids.

As predicted.
A very nasty man who is furious at you dumping him.
Of course it is hard and hurtful, but the more reading you do on narcissists and the mayhem they create, the more I think you will be relieved at what you and your children have been spared.

Their childhood would have been collateral damage with him in it.
Mind yourself.

You can’t save them unfortunately, they will have to do that themselves in time. But you can definitely save your children thank goodness, and their father sounds really supportive and caring.

Gosh you dodged a bullet here. What a horrible man. I can imagine it all stings a bit now but so good that this has come out now rather than later. You deserve so much better.

I haven’t commented so far but I have read every single thread on this post. And I must say you are one the bravest and smartest women I’ve read about on here.

im not making this thread about me but I do want to tell you my experience with a sociopath and to say myself and my son are still healing 20 odd years later is true.

I didn’t have the confidence to leave him and when I tried I always went back and my child got caught up in it all to the point I tried to commit suicide I carry such guilt for allowing a man like the one you describe to treat me so poorly.

thats why im literally in awe of you, you are a fantastic woman and a credit to your children

all the best as i suspect he won’t go quietly when he knows you mean business ❤️

Any half decent person would still try and explain their behaviour regardless of the line 'do not ...'

Bless you - I'm so sorry you and your son had to go through such a dreadful experience, and still are to an extent.
You are a very brave lady and as much worthy of respect as the OP.
Take care my love.
xxx

Why are you taking his decision as an order to you? Go without him and don’t disappoint your children.

@Tulipsdaisy when you bumped into him - was it a usual place for him to be at that time. Dont be surprised if he stalks you. Make sure you have a ring doorbell and 24/7 dash cam. Its illegal if he makes contact with you twice after you have asked him not to - and if he doesnt respect your boundaries report him to the police because these types are very dangerous.

Narcisistic rage will be brewing. Keep away from his storm.

He might switch to the hystrionic victim to reel you in with sympathy and puppy dog eyes. Is he normally scruffy or was this perfomative. This can go to sudden fake crisis health etc that he needs your input - even suicide threats or his child being ill. Dont engage - direct him to a health professional.

We've all seen this before. They are so predictable like clockwork. Watch, wait and laugh.

The thing is, had he approached you, and spoken to you, he'd be at risk of you reporting him for harassment as your last communication to him was "Do not contact me again".

That's not true, harassment is a pattern of behaviour and its surprising to give such an excuse for appalling discourtesy that sums up his character displayed earlier. Almost like deliberately trying to plant unnecessary uncertainty with the OP who has enough to get over.

Unfortunately where I saw him is somewhere I usually would (and would continue to do so if I didn't go out of my way to avoid him - which I intend to)

Our paths cross often, if you get my drift.

My apologies for being vague, I've been recognised on here before and really don't want this one being linked back to me.

I saw him again today but this time he was looking out for me. He was stood on the corner looking down in the direction I come in. I didn't say anything, just continued on to where I was going.

As I left he was still stood in the same place looking in my direction (he does have a legitimate reason to be in the area but not on "my" end of the street)

A few of you will likely click on by now.

So, as previously, I just continued walking.

My phone then rang and it was him.

Curious, I did answer.

He said "don't just walk away, can I come and talk to you?"

I said "that depends on whether the sole purpose is to apologise for what you did last week"

He said "yes I think I should"

So over he comes.

Now I don't actually recall whether he said the words "I'm sorry" because my adrenaline was going a bit but he tried to gaslight me.

Apparently he wasn't being standoffish with me on Friday and only got defensive because I approached him and asked what his problem was (after he was clearly demonstrating that he had one by avoiding me)

That "pissed" him off apparently.

He said at the time he thought to himself "who does she think she is?" to which I replied "exactly who I think I am, me"

I told him he was undermining this apparent apology and in my opinion he orchestrated the whole thing to get out of going on the trip which he denied.

He asked how I had been, I think trying to gauge whether I'd been feeling down and sad and I just said I'd been fine and am looking forward to going away on Friday. I think he was expecting me to have reached out after I sent the text saying we're over and was perturbed that I hadn't.

The conversation ended with me saying I was glad we'd been able to clear the air (HA!) as it was a shame it ended on such bad terms before but i stand by what i said and think it's for the best that we part ways, and I wished him well. I don't think that's the outcome he expected.

I also don't think there was anything genuine about his intentions today. No genuine remorse was observed, he was clearly just testing the waters to see if there was a way back.

As laughable as the interaction was it did provide me closure and cemented my thoughts that I no longer wanted anything to do with him. I felt ready to block him after that that's what I did when I got home. He's blocked across all 4 platforms and will stay that way. I'm going to be talking a slightly different route going forward.

@Anon39 I'm so sorry for what you went through, I can't imagine the type of hell you must have been living in to be in such emotional distress.

There are some absolute scumbags in the world. They should be rounded up and deposited on a remote island where they can terrorise each other and leave us normal folks alone.

I truly hope you have found peace and that you and your DS have managed to carve out happy, healing lives for you both. Thank you so much for your kind words ♥️

Oh! And to add..

The CF remarked that he loved seeing and spending time with me but didn't like "all this drama" as if I am the one who caused it 😂

Thank god I'm now well versed in the mental gymnastics of narcissism (I've done SO much reading) as had I not seen it for what it was, I might have bit and lost the moral high ground.

So yeah. All control, manipulation, trying to regain the upper hand etc. He doesn't have a sincere bone in his body. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I'm going to have an absolute ball at this hen on the weekend 🥳

Well done @Tulipsdaisy . This hasn't been easy for you, but you have been very strong and very steady. I'm glad you've got some closure now and can move on with an easy heart.

Thats one of the best closure stories I've ever read. You saw what he was doing and left him confused and off kilter. Having dealt with my fair share of controlling men, that was so satisfying to read. My favourite was when he tried to pin the "drama" on you 🤣 and you translated the narc code immediately.

There's too much drama in this relationship = you won't do as you're told and it's annoying

Brava OP. You took the wind right out of his sails.

Bravo! Well done indeed.

Drama?! Honestly that must have made you snort op! No self awareness on his part at all…. Staggering.

He was expecting to see you sad, maybe broken, pining for him. He was expecting you to go running back. He is doubting himself now, he thought he had you figured out and sewn up. Your confidence and indifference has thrown him.

He will try to get in touch now. You will become a challenge to win back. You are handling him brilliantly. Standing back and observing always works.

Have the best time at the hen this weekend, what good timing!

You have lobbed him back in the sea where he belongs. Your children are extremely lucky to have such a strong and intelligent mother. All the best op 💪🏻

You will be, the one that got away, so glad you got closure so quickly and blocked him. X

I’m sure it’s been suggested (apologies if it has, I’ve read most not all of the thread) but I suspect he has orchestrated this entire thing in an attempt to ruin your weekend away - maybe even to stop you going as surely you’d prioritise salvaging the relationship instead of the hen weekend (in his head I mean, I’m not suggesting you do this!).