Cancelling the kids plans because he's thrown a wobbler, aibu?

[Tulipsdaisy]

Me, my boyfriend and our respective children (not shared) were supposed to be going away this weekend, from Friday until Sunday evening. Plans were finalised. I made arrangements for somebody to house sit for me and take care of my dog, paid in advance. They moved their schedule around to accommodate me.

Background: together just shy of 16 months. We don't live together. I'm a lone parent of 2 and he has 50/50 joint custody of his 2 with his ex wife. DC introduced at the 12 month mark and get along great. Lovely.

At 9pm this evening he has text saying he needs a break, wants a weekend to himself and would rather do 'no kids' so he's asking his parents to babysit.

I said he was bang out of order springing this on me this late and asked what on earth the matter was.

He said nothing is the matter he has just had enough of his child's attitude. His DC doesn't deserve the trip, he wants a weekend to himself, he's going to bed and 'tomorrow is a new day'

My response to that was: "Well you have a nice sleep, now you've offloaded that onto me and I now have to explain to my (relative dog sitter) and inevitably upset children. Thanks a bunch"

He read that and didn't reply.

He has obviously had some cheek from his DC and now we all have to pay the price. His DC aren't badly behaved, a little bit cheeky now and then but not bad kids whatsoever.

I'm both angry and sad. He hasn't given any thought to everybody else impacted by his wobbler. It's fuck the lot of us.

I'm £50 down the drain (I'm not going to ask for for the dog sitting money back, the relative sitting for me really needed the money and jumped at the chance)

I have to explain to my DC tomorrow morning that it isn't going ahead and they're going to be so disappointed.

There has been some prior instances of him arsing about with existing plans but I don't think I can move past this one as it directly impacts the children.

AIBU to think he's a nasty, selfish dick? And what on earth do I say to the children?

The information I was referring to was all in the OPs posts prior to your posting. Not being able to go with him was her second or third post.

Is his silence making you anxious?

Yes, it’s supposed to. he knows it too. You don’t need to hear from him op, what are you waiting for? You have made the decision, you have called the shots. You have decided enough is enough. Retain that position of control. He is trying to make you doubt yourself by leaving you in a cloud of silence and uncertainty.

He could have replied and said I am sorry it didn’t work out and wished you the best. He could have asked you to meet to talk things through. He could have done a million things but he CHOOSES to punish you again with silence.

You can choose your reaction.

In your place it would be fuck you. And move on with my life by updating my status and calling my friends, planning the summer and shedding this deadweight.

Oh, FFS! Why do you even care?
Just block the twat.

She's not waiting for anything. She's ended it.

Try the other side of the bed.

she doesn't want to block him yet, she wants to see what, if anything, he does/says. & that's up to her, I'd be the same.

there's no need for your aggressive post.

Well done for ending it and putting your dc first. What a horrible man. Block him and don’t ever speak to him again. Hope the kids were ok about the trip

This

I wouldn't say his lack of response has made me anxious per se, I'm more offended that he hasn't had the decency to part civilly. It's such an unnecessarily unkind end to a relationship.

What's helping is reading up on narcissists and telling myself that every move he makes is calculated and designed to evoke certain emotions and reactions in me, so whilst on the surface he looks unbothered he's probably mightily pissed off and suffering from a wounded ego.

Jesus S0j0urn4r What on earth is your problem? You cannot just mentally switch off from a 15 month relationship, I'm not a pissing robot. I think I've handled this very well actually, I am entitled to talk to people about it and process!

I wonder if he went with his kids anyway. Probably.

What's helping is reading up on narcissists and telling myself that every move he makes is calculated and designed to evoke certain emotions and reactions in me, so whilst on the surface he looks unbothered he's probably mightily pissed off and suffering from a wounded ego.

Absolutely. He's had the control all through the relationship because you're quite laid back so you've let a lot go. Now you've taken the control for yourself in a very final way and he hates it. He might not want to carry on the relationship but by God it wasn't in his plans that you would be the one to end it. You were supposed to keep bowing and scraping and putting up with his shit. He is now stewing over how he can grab the control back. Make sure he can't.

He’ll be back, but not yet. I’ll willingly go bet money you’ll get a message in a few weeks time. He’ll send you a kiss, or a ‘hi’, just something to hoover you back in

I think you’ve handled it brilliantly OP

Wish posters would read the OPs updates before commenting. It's getting very 'cancel the cheque'.

I'm very confused about the "lack of response", and "I'm more offended that he hasn't had the decency to part civilly."

You told him "I’m done with this relationship, we are over. You created a toxic atmosphere over nothing. I won’t let my children be hurt or messed around by your need to assert control. Do not contact me again."

If you were wanting a response to the dumping text, you shouldn't have stated the last sentence.

"wouldn't say his lack of response has made me anxious per se, I'm more offended that he hasn't had the decency to part civilly"

You did say, don't contact me again, on your last mssg to him. You can assume he's respecting that and accepts his behaviour was bad (hopefully). It's good you are working through things here so that you don't have a lapse in judgement and reach out to him or anyone connected to him. It's also good to know you aren't a "pissing robot" because it would be a nightmare carrying an oilcan everywhere, wouldn't it? Be grateful for the small things. 😁🩷

Ha that's good point! Perhaps it is him doing the right thing and respecting the boundary. It's a shame it all went so tits up so quickly but life goes on eh. I have lots to look forward to this summer 🙂

Highly likely.

He's actually a nasty prick who would hurt children.
You are well out of it.

However, his ego will be fuming at you dumping him unceremoniously.

Women unlucky enough to marry narcissistic pricks often do anything to slink, slip away quietly, and are just so happy to finally be rid.

Narcissists are terrifyingly focused on destroying and controlling their victims.

You are so lucky to have finally seen who he really is.

So are your children.

Sorry I did realise after I posted! Happy ending I think!

Good for you. Walk away, head held high. You deserve better than him. You enjoy your summer with your kids.
You have totally dodged a bullet. Please don't be tempted to go back to him if/when he love-bombs you. The only person who matters to him is himself.

Previously I read the OPs updates and now I have read everyone's comments. OMG, a lot of bad advice mixed up in there. People saying it was a good apology????
What line of work is he in that work documents are on an iPad accessible by young children? Something that is either unprofessionally run or it's not plausible.

And people saying take your kids and talk about it later? WTF??? Expose your kids to a temperamental man for a whole weekend? Either it will be a stressful weekend with people on edge, or it might actually be a great weekend and your kids get closer to the man, who is fundamentally still temperamental and they will get let down at a later stage.

This type of stuff damages children. Children are not as resilient as selfish adults like to claim when they are putting their own personal interests first when decision making.

More women need to focus on having a solid network of friends around them rather thank believing Disney tales their life will be sorted when prince charming turns up. Too many prioritise a fantasy over their real live kids.

A very positive post, Tulip. You have dodged a bullet, onwards and upwards for you now.

I'm delighted you had a good weekend with your children. I feel very sorry for his but ..... that is not your problem, the man is now firmly in the past. We live and learn.

I used to be in a relationship like this I couldn't see it at the time but did begin to after a while; the amount of red flags. It was a shit show. I can honestly say now a few years down the line, I am wiser and can see what a tosser he was. And that I am much better off without him. It's shaped who I am in a way because now I could spot a red flag a mile away and I would RUN

I saw him yesterday, neither of us acknowledged the other. I turned my back and faced the other way when I saw him coming down the road, he was on the phone or pretending to be. He definitely saw me.

I'd have never thought a week ago that we would be ignoring each other in the street.

Don’t you just think this highlights and confirms exactly who he is?

What kind of man in these circumstances would simply ignore their partner of 16 months after behaving so badly? It’s absolutely disgusting and disrespectful.

I have been livid in your position, but you sound sad op. It would have been much harder for you if he had rushed over though.

Although this must sting and hurt and feel like a rejection, as an outsider all I can think about are your children, and how this development saves them and you from more mistreatment, abuse and disappointment.

The way he used silent treatment was abusive, and should always be a future red line op. You have escaped a manipulator with narcissist traits and saved yourself a world of pain further down the line, with perhaps much more skin in the game, and you had so much to lose op.

Take the hit now when you have the security of your own home, the safety of an independent life and finances and without joint children. You can have a clean break. Lean on your ex, your friends and family - let them help you through this 💐

Wow, you’ve dodged a bullet there!