How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

I agree completely

It was made clear by my DH's family that they were his family first and I was an optional extra. Eventually I decided that, since I wasn't family and was left out all the time, DH could be social secretary for his own family. I made sure DH knew this was now his job. Result: We haven't seen them for 20 years.

Funny that 😂 well done for not putting up with it. My DDs birthday is coming up and part of me thinks , well if I am not needed, and I dont need to tell them about DH, then I certainly dont need to tell them about my DD’s birthday plans, it works both ways 😅

Yes, it does. We've also been together since teenagers and it took me a long time to stop trying with them.

The invitations were one thing I stopped with. I'd told DH it was his job. He either did or he didn't. He didn't.

Of course I get all the blame for excluding them but I haven't excluded them at all. If their son can't get it into gear to include them, why is it my job?

Your dh needs you to support his boundaries and red lines, he has had to put up with this for his entire life. It sounds like you are doing so now, whereas before you were people pleasing, especially with them.

These people are not interested in being kind or enjoying a lovely family relationship, they want fodder and drama, because their lives are dull and lifeless without it. You are coming from completely different places. Like Venus and Mars.

Stand your ground. Refuse to be drawn back in. You can only win by backing off and enjoying your own life without this constant nasty undercurrent. Care much less. Be less available. Be less interested. Bright, breezy and indifferent. No doubt you will be told this is really affecting sil, that she is really struggling. They will expect you to fix this. Please do not. Ignore. She knows where you are when she is ready to apologise, and start being respectful.

That is what she is though. If she was either living independently or in a romantic relationship I doubt she would give two hoots about OP’s position in the family. It’s not as if spinster is an everyday word in modetn society (thankfully, it’s an awful word) but it does encapsulate the ‘movie’ stereotype. She’s almost like a Mrs Danvers character but it’s the brother instead of Rebecca.

Oh god, that's taken me back to my school days. Teacher in primary school was a spinster and still lived at home with Ma and Pa! She was a really nasty piece of work. Had all her favourites who she called "Peach" (FFS) and was an absolute COW to me and my siblings. This was back in the 70's when kids were scared of teachers.

Of course the truth is, what on earth has how your DH choses to spend his time got to do with his sister! You as his wife, absolutely. Her, absolutely not her business. She sounds dreadful.

Unless there was more to this conversation than your saying, for instance, DH’s parents or similar are ill and he’s not helping there. But otherwise how a grown up decides to spend their time has absolutely nothing to do with their siblings.

DH parents are not ill, and if they were DH would take the brunt of their care because thats just how he is, but yes completely agree it is non of her business! I could never imagine talking to my brother in the same way, or telling him why are you doing this that or the other, or indeed speaking to his partner in that way!

Its funny there seems to be a correlation?

Was this posted on Facebook or X ???
im sure I read this already !

It’s not surprising she’s not married, I’m glad your husband is supporting you.
she sounds horrible and jealous, keep your distance from them x

Sounds like my sister in law. I think she's jealous that I spend time with her mam. I moved to a small village when I started dating her brother 8 years ago. We now have 2 children and live opposite his mam and I do spend a lot of time with her. My children love their granny, especially my 3 year old so we do go to Thier omhousw a few times a week.
I think it's because my SIL is the youngest so she is used to being spoilt. She's quite a bit younger than her brother's so she's definitely not used to sharing her parents.

I haven’t posted this before, but would be interesting to hear a similar situation x

It’s hardly uncommon! Hag of a sil and a battleaxe mil IS pretty standard on these boards, over the years we have read thousands of first hand experiences!

Sounds like one bitter, jealous bitch, to be honest. How dare she tell her brother's wife that she is not needed?! Who died and made her queen of who is needed in the family? Your husband chose you, not her.

She said it was a friends child. Not the SIL.

I don’t know about what it said in anyone else’s vows but it said in mine “forsaking all other”. That means a spouse comes before anyone else period.
and certainly before a weird ass sister.

We have had similar. Wills have been rewritten accordingly. And when the will is published/read, they will be reminded of why they, and by extension, their now adult children will be getting nothing.

No never x

Erm… I’m pretty sure I am my husbands family… as are our children?

That says a lot

SIL sounds very threatened by you! Raging that she can not control him.

I don't think there needs to be context!! Nobody should be spoken to like that! It is unacceptable.

Agree. I feel like there’s something missing from this story.

This all sounds very odd.
You are being attacked but it is your husband who is spending time with friends who have lost a child. Why on earth would anybody object to his kindness?
Is it jealously?
They should be proud of him. I'm sure you are.