How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

Sounds like SIL takes after her mother.

It sounds as though your sil resents you, she has never flown the nest and has no family of her own. She's in an echo chamber, with no husband children or grandchildren to occupy her time emotions or energy, nothing to keep her young. She has never experienced true independence. Maybe she's been seething with envy all these years and it's finally boiled over. She may view you as the woman who stole her brother and broke up her happy but dysfunctional family dynamic, I would carry on regardless, your husband has your back. It's not you that's the problem, it's them.

Haha, I bet she is too! The poor wife having to deal with the SIL.

I don’t blame you at all—that’s a deeply hurtful and dismissive thing to say. No one deserves to be spoken to like they’re irrelevant, especially after so many years as part of the family. Blocking and creating distance sounds like a healthy boundary. You’re absolutely right to protect your peace.

This is the issue, I think. She's bitter and jealous and feels sidelined so she's trying to somehow reclaim her brother and make you feel irrelevant.

She sounds a bit nuts. I hope your husband has your back on this and has put her firmly in her place.

She sounds like a total nut tbh - now I’m gonna read OP comments to get the background / more than likely affirm my suspicions!

I'd laugh tbh as it is a bizarre thing to say
Everyone has a role to play. Each is different and all are important.
Unless you are bat shit like her.

Id rather not be… i kinda need to be grounded and set a good example for my children 😅

well quite. What a weird thing to say.

Yeah that’s called gaslighting. It sounds like your in-laws are being equally mean and judgmental to your husband so try not to take it too personally, they are just not nice people. The way SIL questioned his reasons for wanting to support his bereaved friends is also very telling. He sounds like a lovely man so she is just unfairly projecting her own shitty behaviour and thought processes onto him - she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t go out of her way to help people so she can’t understand his motives and assumes he must be up to something. People like her have no self-awareness so there is no point in trying to reason with her. When I’m dealing with somebody like that, I like to remind myself that they are not the special, unique person they obviously think they are - they are just a cliche from a psychology textbook! Once you identify that, it makes them easier to deal with because you start to recognise the patterns in their apparently irrational words and behaviour. It’s all just a defence mechanism to protect their own insecurities and stop them having to face up to their own faults.

Sorry to sound sexist, but she sounds like a bitter spinster, still living with her parents and they deeply resent you/your relationship with the son/brother.
Your husband sounds like a good person who is doing his best for his friends, but may need to have a firm word with them sooner rather than later.
Horrid for you, try and keep your chin up.

Wow your SIL is a piece of work.
Jealous of her DB helping people and takes it out on yiu.

What's your DH said? Can he intervene with his parents at least do they know what happened?

Honestly she needs to be put in her place and told firmly just how much you're valued.

Sending a hug you dont deserve that at all.

I would ignore her and leave it to DH to deal with.

No, you weren’t too weak to take it. You took it and then you took action to stop this bratty twatty woman from treating you like it again.

The 1800s called. They would like you back.

SIL sounds controlling and prone to jealousy, which go hand in hand. She asked you a question (which was really more like her voicing her opinion on how her brother should be spending his time and completely inappropriate) and you answered it. For her to then claim that the only people your DH needs are her and his mother is just plain crazy. I MIGHT have given it a pass if you had just started dating this man a few weeks ago, but you are married with 2dc! Also, what she said doesn't even make sense in this response, which tells me that she's been holding this feeling in for a while and just waiting for the moment to say it.

So, she is 50+, never married. In her world, her family hasn't changed since when she was a child, but it's sad that she can't accept that her brother's has and that he is a grown man with a family of his own.

Your MIL sounds like a complete enabler. So her adult daughter insults you and it's your fault she is now lonely? I'd keep some major space with these people, especially your SIL, as she is highly unlikely to change for the better.

Thank you. I think its great you have been able to recognise the kind of person she is from my small snippets about her! She really does have no self awareness, if she did i am pretty sure she would have been able to knock on our door and say “shit, listen, i didnt mean it like that” and we would be able to move on, but no she is never wrong it seems but everyone else is x

Not an uncommon trait, especially in single women teachers, if they are in their 50s they will probably have responsibility and authority at work and can't leave it at the school gates.

She does bark at her parents as if they were school children 🤯

She sounds single and bitter

Enjoy the PEACE - leave them to it! I bet you don’t. Too busy wishing for happy families rather than looking at the reality of your situation, and your ritual humiliation.

I'm So Sorry To Hear You Were Spoken To This Way
Completely Unacceptable From Her
You Deserve Much More
Did She Just Say This In a Temper
If She Said It Calmly With Thought It's Cruel, Unless She Apologises & Admits She Spoke in temper & takes it back
Also I'd wish for an explanation for such heartless words 💚😢💚

Inmean, we all wish for happy families dont we? Don’t we all wish everyone could get along? Its just sad that it cant be… like ive said a number of times, ive blocked her on SM and keep a massive distance, DH does not speak to her

Just prior to my MIL’s death, my SIL made some allegations of something I was supposed to have written and sent her. No one saw the document but she went hysterical to MIL how awful I had been.

there was nothing I could say or do to prove the allegations were false and I was told the document was destroyed because of the nasty content. I suspect you are in a similar situation that I was in.

for self preservation, you both need to stay as far away from your SIL as possible. If you want to have a cuppa with your MIL, offer to meet her at a local cafe, but completely exclude SIL so you cannot be accused or put in a difficult position again.

Yes Completely Concur With You We All, Or At Least I'd Say The Majority Of Us Wish For Happy Families
Why would we wish for less for Our Beloved Families