How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

Have you mentioned it to your husband? I think navigating this with him would help. Like is he supporting you. support from your husband especially in dealing this with his family is probably the best you can do. Have him talk to them if it escalates.

She like lots of others and hates their siblings choice of partner, but unlike others she voiced it.
Avoid her like the plague, but don’t slag her off.

She did not voice her dislike for me. She said I was not needed. Every single human being on the planet is needed, liked or not. Its ok to say you dislike someone, its a whole other level of disrespect to tell someone they are not needed. If you dislike someone, then that is fine. To tell someone they are not needed, is horrible, totally totally horrible, firstly, because it is simply not true ( i am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, sister in law to my husbands other sister (who we get along with great) aunty etc. I can deal with someone not liking me, you can dislike someone and still be a decent, respectful human being.

Honestly why are you still absolutely obsessed with this? Just ignore her, end of. Letting it play on your mind all weekend seems pointless. She’s said it now, it’s done

Just really disappointed in the whole situation I guess, family is extremely extremely important to me.

Id have ripped her head off but thats just me

I’d be more concerned if my husband spoke up and told his sister to fuck off! He’s chosen you, they are just family by default!

Did he speak up on your behalf OP? Or does he agree with them? Based on this, you will know what to do.

So SIL told you basically ro 'go away', and now MIL is blaming you that SIL is 'lonely'. Maybe she is lonely because she is a b*tch?
They sound horrible.
Most important though - how are things with your Hubby?
Please tell me he supports you and not the dreadful outlaws.
xxx

Yeah, clearly lonely because she's a nasty cow. Don't give them another thought OP. Definitely jealous resentment. She's a bitch. And YOU don't NEED the likes of her !!!

Has she always been a massive cow 🐮

So I'm single, who are my immediate family? Don't I have one?

The SIL.in the op sounds very strange and her comments unnecessary and disrespectful.
In the absence of some huge back story both she and her mother are rude and irrational.

However the smugness and dismissal of spinsters, single people and siblings here is disgusting. There is room for all kinds of relationships in peoples lives.
When you have a second child you dont stop loving your first. Why, when you get a wife do you have to downgrade your relationship with other family?

its not the first time ive seen this attitude on here and its sad and pathetic.

All the comments about meeting his physical needs etc, are childish and weird as if that's all that counts in a relationship or some kind of trump card.

@Smallfry79 Your immediate family are of course, your immediate family when single (mum, dad, diblings all living under the same roof)

When you marry you create a new immediate family and being able to prioritise is important in being able to maintain that family. If you prioritise the family you came from over the family you created, its not going to end well, also if you treat the family you came from poorly because of the family you created, its also not going to end well. So as has happened here, SIL had tried to make sure that her and my MIL are priority (or atleast tried to let me know that they were) and that I as his immediate family and family he created are nothing. Not hoing to end well.

The comments about meeting physical needs can be seen as childish and weird, but in reality they are only merting her level of disrespect… so if she wanted to go there….

@Amyrhaf
I dont want to derail your thread fully and I agree there is something very off and unnecessarily unkind with your SIL.
However I still dont agree with your logic ( and to be fair it's not just you)
If I move out, so am not living under the roof with anyone and my parents are passed do I have an immediate family?
Is my married sister still my immediate family but I am not hers?
So in time of crisis I should support her but not if its the other way around?
I dont want an answer here , I'd just like married people to think things through before beeing so quick to dismiss the family of origin or single people as second class.

These thoughts aren't specific to your original.situation, it's just something I often see on mumsnet that makes me feel sad and as if I'm somehow considered as less than when I dont feel I or other single peole are.

Not at all, you have every right to voice your opinion :) I think in my case its not so much the fact that she is single (as I have explained) its more that she just does not have her own life, not her own home, not paying her own bills, does not cook her own food at the age that she is (baring in mind that she is more than capable of) there have been other times where her passive aggressive comments come across as criticism, and there is a saying “do not take “constructive” criticism from a person who has not constructed anything”. I dont think posters are directly trying to criticise people who are single, its more that she as an unmarried woman can never understand the relationship between a married man and woman, simply because she has not experienced it. If she had experienced it i dont think she would have e made that comment, no matter how much she disliked me.

Yes your sil is a twat but jesus the fucking misogyny on this thread!

She's 50 so she's a bitter old spinster, she's a bitch, her life isn't worthy because she isn't with a partner or has kids, because of her life choice not to procreate she isn't a grown up.

No wonder patriarchy is strong when sisterhood behaves like this.

Yes she was wrong, yes you are fine to step back and not feel guilty.

*siblings not diblings 😂

If somebody say`s that you are not needed the simple thing to do IS
> Show that you ARE needed - Cancel that suggestion OUT

Bring somethin MORE to the situation

Adapt and change your strategy as appropriate
This instance, for a wedding

Wedding
> a marriage ceremony and any celebrations such as a meal or a party that follow it

The after party - that IS where you ARE needed
Get your kit

Hopscotch is a game involving hopping through numbered squares and tossing a marker (like a stone) into each one. Here's a basic guide:

To Play:
Draw the grid: Create a hopscotch grid using chalk on concrete or asphalt. The typical layout consists of numbered squares, with some pairs of squares side-by-side.

Choose a marker: Select a small object like a stone, beanbag, or marker.

Toss the marker: The first player tosses the marker into square one.

Hop: Start hopping through the squares, skipping the one with the marker. Use one foot in single squares and both feet in double squares.

Return: Turn around and hop back, picking up the marker on the way.

Next square: If the player completes the turn without mistakes, they toss the marker into square two on their next turn, and so on.

Winning: The first person to successfully complete all the squares (1-10) wins

The bride HAS the wedding
> You MAKE the after party YOURS

Get everybody playin Hopscotch - TRUST ME it WILL show that you ARE needed

What? 😂😂

The SIL sounds like a bit of a bully. Your DH sounds as if he is a compassionate person - the complete opposite to his sister. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep my distance from the SIL and MIL as much as possible; don't sink to their level by engaging with them unless there is no alternative.

Re: What?

The wedding IS about the bride - that IS just how weddings work.
You don`t feel needed at the wedding, let the wedding be about the bride - allow that to happen.

Make the after party somethin - where you ARE needed.
Get everybody playing Hopscotch.
I HAVE given you the rules ... ^^ - this IS your chance to look good.
The bride HAS had her moment - now have YOUR moment
> Set the grid - get EVERYBODY playin hopscotch - it WILL be fun, people drinking and playing hopscotch - you WILL be the hero - such a simple idea, why didn`t I think of doin it - people WILL join in GUARANTEED

She is taking out her misery and pain on you. After close to 30 years of being with DH his sister has been vile to me reaching a peak at around age 45. She has been the only issue in our marriage. She absolutely wanted to marry and have children. She dominated many a family get together with her tales of trying to find a partner, she made it very plain. She was fine with me till she hit about 43 and realised children were never going to happen.

I have a few friends who never married or had children but they do not take it out on other people. It is quite possible to criticise a singular women who you know the story of and are part of the story of and who is a bitter woman because she’s didn’t get married and have children, it doesn’t mean you think all women are like that, I don’t.

Are you on the wrong thread? This one is nothing to do with weddings or parties...

I don't think there's a blanket condemnation of single women or spinsters here. However those who make a point of not building a life of their own and then try to insert themselves inappropriately into others' lives are a problem.

And yes, of course your immediate family changes when you marry and have children with someone. There's a pretty batshit thread going on right now about a nightmare MIL who doesn't want to accept that her son's wife is more important to him than she, his mother, at this point in his life. The same applies to brothers and sisters (I like the term 'diblings', tbh), grandparents, cousins etc. You marry someone because you choose them above all others, you are deciding to make them your family. It doesn't make single people sad or irrelevant, it's just a different relationship. Dibling and parent relationships are still important but they are no longer the primary relationship. If the OP's sister in law can't see that then she is definitely the unreasonable one.

Thank you, my brother is and will forever more be known as my Dibling from now on 🙈😂

What on earth are you talking about? Did you actually read the original post?