How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

People say things they don't mean, or mean in a different way all time. Tensions were probably high for whatever reason. I don't see a reason to cut family off for life here. You two need to talk and hug it out.

I don’t know the context but presuming you’ve done nothing wrong for her to react this way I really hope your husband is supporting you in this. It’s his family he should be putting them straight.

Have you read the whole thread @pineapplesundae ?

You do that with people where there is fundamental like and respect after a disagreement. This does not sound like that sort of situation, at all.

She's unhappy in her own life . Feeling bitter or jealous I too would stay away , 50 and never left why xx

She never said your DH doesn’t need you. She said she and MIL don’t need you.

So everyone saying does she want to have sex with her brother can maybe calm down.

It wasn’t a nice thing to say but I really don’t understand why you’re giving it much thought. Your SIL doesn’t think she needs you. So what?

OP, is she jealous of you?

i’ve never been in a long term relationship but have treated my sisters’ long term partners and my brothers’ (short-term) wife as if they were in many ways more important to my siblings than me - because I assume they are. They certainly spend a lot more time together - and whilst there is a specific bond that is less conditional for your siblings (eg we were there for my brother when his marriage quickly broke up) - whilst those partner relationships are active they are clearly the primary relationship (if you have to compare).

Hmm on reflection she did say “he has a mother and a sister”…but still I couldn’t scrummage up a fuck to give about what my DH’s clearly batshit sister has to say. Especially after 2 kids and 14+ years together.

Well, she sounds ghastly, so sorry about her uncalled for comments.

My SiL has made a fair number of negative comments to and about me over the past 30+ years and it’s taken far too long for me to (mentally) ignore her. I dont know if it’s jealousy, possessiveness or a personality trait, but there do seem to be some SiL’s who don’t seem to have grown up!

Recently, when I was at my parents house she said, ‘And what is SHE still doing here?’ ie me, after I had spent a long weekend (in fact every weekend) looking after my lovely mum. That same Christmas my SiL gave me an opened box of chocolates whereas I had spent £95 on something she had requested!

Some friends say much the same about some of their SiL’s.

Please don’t let it upset you, it reflects on her, not on you 💕

I'd ask her if there is something incestuous going on that she hasn't told you about... because clearly there is a need for you... and maybe she should ask her brother instead of sending these vile messages.

@OP acutually sister and monther are very insecure and trying to manipulate their brother or son. enjoy the drama, do not take it all to heart . be happy for what you are .yes they can say anything, you have nothing to question about it to your husband. only question him for what he is doing silly but not for his mum and sis. they are nothing in your life, but can be a thing in your husbands if he is insecure too. so whatever have fun when they are around, Ignore them

I suspect that she has disliked you and abhorred your presence within the family circle for some time. It is a shame that matters have attained such an impasse, but if ever anything is going to be resolved, one of you has to make the first positive move. Even if you only move an inch at a time. I wonder if you have always felt uncomfortable in her presence, and she in yours? Families can be strange hybrid groups, and even small differences of viewpoint or jealousies can build up a real head of steam to end in fractured relationships that are never mended. A little humility goes a long way, and this a good opportunity to be the better person and be the first to break the ice. Your DH is also probably suffering too, so you have a golden opportunity to show him what a wonderful woman he has married. Good luck.

I am very proud of him, he is a good man. But really i couldn’t understand why she didn’t think that we should all be helping this bereaved family,

She clearly doesn't understand that once married, the most important woman in a man's life is his wife - NOT his mother and certainly not his sister.

I have never really felt comfertable in her presence i must admit, she has an air of rudeness , hostility and the passive aggressive comments have rolled off her tounge far to easily across the years, shes if i met her as just another person and not family member i would stay well clear. I agree humility goes a long way, but she is just not someone you can have an adult conversation and talk things through with, which is a huge shame

I agree it's the teacher factor. In my experience lots of them hate not to be in charge and cannot accept that they may be wrong occasionally.

you haven’t accepted it you have taken action
don’t let them live rent free in your head

Wife is automatically NoK if husband doesn’t specify somebody else. Some husbands do nominate others as NoK if they suspect “D”W might not act in their, or the wider family’s, best interests.

In this case DH is my NoK, and I am his. If we should ever find ourselves in such a position the unthinkable should happen and DH finds himself lying in a coma in a hospital bed I may remember SIL’s words that “I certainly dont need to tell them about DH name ” (I probably would, but still….)

We have discussed the topic and decided we wouldn't tell DH's family any information about any member of the family until 'the situation', whatever it is, is settled, if it's something they need to know. There's very little they need to know.

MIL also told me after blocking SIL that “SIL has rights to be a part of DC’s lives”

They have zero rights where your children are concerned. Zero. You would be well advised to keep your dc well away from them or they will be next.

Not you are not being unreasonable and I think you should distance yourself. Do not engage with her, if there is anything to be said to her it is DH who needs to do it.
The next move (if there is one) has to be made by her. Cut her loose for the forseeable future.

I would tell MIL, "Only in her dreams, and my nightmares".

They actually have no rights