How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

I can absolutely see my mother and sister in law saying something like this. My MIL hates the idea that I, our children, his dad or ANYONE might be more important to my husband than she is, or might know him better. As it happens she barely knows him at all because he really doesn't want anything to do with her. On the rare occasions we feel we have to do a duty visit she'll buy certain foods that she's decided my husband loves, but because she never actually makes any effort to engage she always gets it wrong.

I once made the mistake of pointing out (politely) that he doesn't like a particular thing and she responded in a very similar way to your SIL here (I was right and she got all guilt trippy with tears when he told her the same thing afterwards). To be honest at this point I had been made aware that she was an awful woman, I knew I wasn't really the problem so I just felt a bit smug and not pissed off at all. It's caused by her own insecurities. In the end I worked out that the worse she behaved, the less my husband wanted to do with her so I happily allowed her to continue without any challenge so she spiked her own guns.

Ler his family continue their bitching. He already doesn't like it and is backing away. Hopefully in time you'll never have to see them at all.

I know somebody like this, He has openly said he is going to keep the house when they die, so it suits him to stay. He also is an overgrown child, works, but does nothing else.

Id ignore her she's the one with the problem.

She’s odd and her comment is odd. No one should ever be told they “aren’t needed here”. Certainly inclusiveness is a desirable
trait in all families. I think you and DH are doing well to ignore her and be cognizant of her ruthless negativity. Something has changed in the last 3 generations. My DF had a dsis and 2 aunts who never married and one aunt married no DC. These are my great aunts my dc great great aunts and they lived to meet my DC. They were absolutely the best aunts. Fun funny great cooks welcomed you and dc into their homes and babysit too (not mine too elderly). We still fondly bring them up at holidays..all their famous desserts and their largesse in general. Truly wonderful women who have good advice on child
rearing and marriage because they observed it all and were wonderful confidants. It’s sad your SIL can’t find a role in family life like this. everyones missing out with this cruel dynamic

I am really sorry, Amy. Hopefully your husband will be able to repair the relationship with his sister in time, the current situation won't last forever and family rifts are awful.

Try not to think about it any more, there's nothing you can do, hurtful as it is. Certainly don't stoop to making vulgar remarks, that will do no good at all. I must say I do not understand it, I daresay you don't either. Just live your life!

Ahh I would just ignore her - if you wanted to be specific, you are genuinely 'needed' by more people than she is, namely your husband and children and she isn't really 'needed' by anyone. It's just old fashioned jealousy from her part, and not worth giving any more headspace to - if you do want to think about her, reframe it as feeling sorry for her.

Oh, I’ve got a SIL like this.

What’s happening here, is that she feels her status and place in the family is threatened by you. I’m not joking, I’ve had it happen to me. My SiL’s take on it was that I am not family, I am an interloper, and my place is at the bottom of the ladder and hers is on the 2nd to top rung under their mum and dad. My DC are part of HER family, and are her blood, but I am just a walking womb and not family. My SiL was single till 50 and has no DC. Mine are the only DGC.

We have had many battles in the past, and she didn’t win all of them. When I decided that I was no longer prepared to be a 3rd class citizen when with them, I went LC with her. She doesn’t live with PIL so it’s a bit easier. She succeeded in pushing me out when I was younger, in the sense that she stopped MIL getting to know me, and wasn’t allowed to spend time with me. I’ll never forgive her for that.

I organise most things and I don’t include her. I invite PIL but not her and her BF. When she invites us, I am always busy. I’ve not seen her for 18 months. She recently told my DH that she wants to get to know me better. What after 30 years? Do you think I’m that naive that you are only doing it because you are excluded from the good stuff like my kids milestones, their parties, Christmas and days out. We went to Lapland a few years ago and she went ballistic because we didn’t invite her or PiL. I mean, the entitlement.

Your MIL has done the maths. DD is her child, she lives with her, now she has to put up with her upset, she’s going to probably have to look after MIL in her old age. Your MIL is sticking with her insurance policy and gaslighting you.

You need to get over your upset somehow. If you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t….waste no more time on them. Tell your DH he is to deal with HIS family from now on as they treat you with disrespect. Back out slowly. Drop the rope.

My greatest revenge is to live well. I’m really happy to see PIL when I see them. But I’m super dooper busy. We’ve been doing this, and doing that, life is so busy and great and I don’t have a second to waste thinking about your insecure DD, my SIL.

I had one of those too😊. The older unmarried ‘spinster’ aunt (as opposed to someone just living their life as a single) can be an absolutely wonderful person to have in your family. My mum had two spinster aunts who were sisters, lived together and had god knows how many cats, my mum adored them. As a child we had neighbours who were three elderly spinster sisters and we kids would actually call them auntie. This woman has really missed a trick, instead of being bitter and jealous she could have been a loving aunt everyone adored.

there was no misunderstanding whatsoever. It was very rude inappropriate and tbh simply weird comment.
I don’t think you should have any sort of adult conversation with her, she should think carefully about her behaviour and make an apology - in reality I suspect she wouldn’t so I would just drop her until then.

I'm sorry OP, but I appear to have missed the post where your husband has told his sister to belt up and stop being a dickhead and to treat his wife with respect.

There's your problem.

It's horrendous, SIL needs to stop her creepy obsession with her brother, and find her own partner ha hem life of her own!

SIL is 50 and lives with her parents. She's extremely enmeshed with them and thinks her bro should be too. She wants a form of emotional incest with him. She wants her brother to have a stunted life being a failure to launch middle aged dude who has no life outside his parents and sister. That's pretty twisted.

What to say? SIL, you're giving Flowers In The Attic vibes. Chill.

Your husband obviously wants and has a life outside of his sister's orbit.

My advice would be stop seeing her. She doesn't come over. Polite if you happen to run into her, but if she gets mad, you and your husband leave. She needs consequences for her behaviour. She acts up, you guys won't be around her.

I agree Bunnylake. Me and my SIL could’ve been great friends. I put in a lot of effort for many years. She missed a trick.

When it became apparent that my in-laws were not people who I could trust or were on my side, I developed other friendships and it’s those people I invest in, not them.

. Was replying to a post and it didn’t quote 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sounds like family dynamics and them seeing you as an outsider at play here. It shouldn't matter the context. As LBFseBrom, just let it go and live your life with your husband. I wouldn't give them a second thought and if you bump into them just say hi. Take the higher ground.

So the parents back her? Then NC with them all.

What does your DH say about the whole thing?

Op, I forgot to ask, does the sister have additional needs? The behaviour just isn't normal for her age.

We have a version of this in our family. I suspect you are right that this os really about your sister in law seeing her brother move on and she is not in that place and she still wants to have that version of family she had growing up. Her behaviour and words are about her own pain and difficulties in life don’t let them affect you. She clearly has problems. You cannot fix those for her leave her to figure it out herself. All that said I would not be viewing her as a person in your inner circle. You’ve seen where she sits in your sphere. Leave her out there unless she grows up a bit down the line and takes responsibility for her behaviour.

No wonder the SIL is lonely, who would want to spend time with a jealous weapon like her.

That's what I was thinking.
A sister and a wife are very different things to have in a blokes life.

In the context of “we don’t need you to tell us who he is” that kind of makes sense, except they might only know who he presents to them. But yes, I wouldn’t need my brother in law to tell me the kind of person my sister is. That said, I’d see it as just one of those things a person says and either agree or disagree with them.

The “we don’t need you here at all” is a bit more confusing. “Here” as in where? Were you at their house for something?

Has she ever had a serious relationship?

I would feel that I was married to a man who had a sister who was very possessive of him and their family of birth, and who resented me for my presence in the family, and lacked the filter not to let it show. I'd feel the problem was entirely to do with her unhealthy attitudes and nothing I need to worry about personally, other than to make sure I wasn't exposed to her regularly. I'd expect my husband to tell her it wasn't on to say that, and if she didn't change her behaviour, I'd expect him and the wider family to understand why I refused to be in her company.

I can think of obvious reasons a man needs his partner as opposed to his parents and sibling! How rude of her to say that to you. I'd ignore her.

She hasn’t grown up. I can’t imagine how anyone could anyone grow up and mature without moving out.