Page 6 | How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

Fitasafiddle1 · 05/06/2025 15:57

SlightlyJaded · 05/06/2025 15:47

People with small lives and mean minds often end up behaving like this. Nothing to do except gossip and pick people apart. Often emotionally unintelligent, and frankly, a bit thick.

I encountered one in-law like this but apart from her, I honestly cannot remember the last time I gossiped or gave a shiny shit about anyone's business. On the handful of occasions where a friend or relative has done or said something to upset me, I have either let it slide (if no malice was intended and it's not a pattern) or spoken directly to them and sorted it out. People who fester and start creating scenarios in their head are usually jealous, spiteful and bitter.

Don't let MIL minimise but equally, try not to let it get you too down. It's definitely a 'her' not 'you' problem.

Nailed it.

These are petty, small minded, bitter misers/gossips angry with their own miserable existence, they spend their lives picking apart everyone else’s life. This is what they do all of the time, it’s just spilled over publicly this time. This is who they are.

Why are you wracking your brains op? This has nothing to do with you. This is their issue with the world at large.

They see themselves as the unit, and you are an outsider/imterloper. You always were, but you served a purpose before bending over backwards to ingratiate yourself to them, so they kept quiet(er)

I am glad your dh has your back. For how long I don’t know. Families like this tend to control other members and he will come under a lot of pressure to roll over.

You need a distant, coldly civil grey rock relationship with them at most, at best I would just avoid them. They won’t apologise, this is who they are.

Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:00

MikeRafone · 05/06/2025 15:55

I think this sister still sees her siblings as younger people and and part of the family that once was 25 years ago. The family has grown up, moved out, married and have their own families now - but this sibling is aged and still at home, in the same family.

This is by no means an excuse because it was insensitive and rude what she said - people don't trump others in a family, as everyone is important.
Not being in a relationship she isn't understanding that the dynamics of the relationship between yo and your husband is different to that of him and his mum or him and his sister.

I don't like all this not talking, talking needs to be done and setting her straight that the family has changed over the years and considering youve been part of the family for 13 years she needs to catch up, apologise for such a silly suggestion and make amends

I agree that talking needs to be done, I ont like it either, which is why I made it clear that our door was open for an adult conversation x

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Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:02

Fitasafiddle1 · 05/06/2025 15:57

Nailed it.

These are petty, small minded, bitter misers/gossips angry with their own miserable existence, they spend their lives picking apart everyone else’s life. This is what they do all of the time, it’s just spilled over publicly this time. This is who they are.

Why are you wracking your brains op? This has nothing to do with you. This is their issue with the world at large.

They see themselves as the unit, and you are an outsider/imterloper. You always were, but you served a purpose before bending over backwards to ingratiate yourself to them, so they kept quiet(er)

I am glad your dh has your back. For how long I don’t know. Families like this tend to control other members and he will come under a lot of pressure to roll over.

You need a distant, coldly civil grey rock relationship with them at most, at best I would just avoid them. They won’t apologise, this is who they are.

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I think your right. Im racking my brains because i have never come across such a thing really 😅

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itsgettingweird · 05/06/2025 16:03

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:00

The main reason im asking here is because MIL had also been trying to convince me that “I was sensitive” “took it the wrong way” and was “too weak to take it?” I am pretty sure im not wrong in feeling how I am feeling, so I just wanted other peoples thoughts…

I’m not sure how else to take it?

She was openly disparaging of her brother, your DH, helping a friend in need and then said they don’t need you.

MIL needs to stop taking sides.

Fitasafiddle1 · 05/06/2025 16:03

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:00

I agree that talking needs to be done, I ont like it either, which is why I made it clear that our door was open for an adult conversation x

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The onus is on her to approach you - definitely not the other way around or you will be reinforcing the dynamic/hierarchy. In this instance she must initiate with an apology and an explanation and you can consider whether it’s acceptable and move on (if they show you respect)

BunnyLake · 05/06/2025 16:05

EllieEllie25 · 05/06/2025 15:10

She sounds very weird and unhappy. I would just back off and spend a lot less time with them, and not get into these kids of conversations with either of them.

Next time maybe OP could reply with a concerned “you sound unhappy sil, things not going so well for you?” Then see how she responds.

Fitasafiddle1 · 05/06/2025 16:07

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:02

I think your right. Im racking my brains because i have never come across such a thing really 😅

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That’s because you are a nice person. My own mother was like this, and still is, with her mother and sister, they have an enmeshed co dependent relationship and spend their days running everyone down. None of those people deserved the scorn and malice they were subjected to ( it could be a holiday, a cruise or the audacity to buy a caravan) but this kind of gossip and mindset is born out of boredom and a lack of achievement and direction.

It has nothing to do with you - you could be anyone. Nothing to do with dh.

They no doubt feel some ownership towards him. It’s a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

SlightlyJaded · 05/06/2025 16:09

Honestly OP, I wouldn't bother trying to talk to her about it unless she approaches you. As I said upthread, people like this tend to be emotionally stunted and a bit thick. They are over-invested in everyone else's business and personality because tearing people down is the only way that they can feel better about themselves and their mean little lives.

Almost certainly, anything you say during said conversation will be mentally stored, twisted and used against you at some point.

If I was you, I'd go distant and breezy all the way.

Rememberwhatthedoorknobsaid · 05/06/2025 16:14

You have been with your DH for a long time. Has his family had an over night shift in attitude towards you or is this there a long list of drama preceding this latest fall out? Sounds like you just need to stay away.

Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:18

Rememberwhatthedoorknobsaid · 05/06/2025 16:14

You have been with your DH for a long time. Has his family had an over night shift in attitude towards you or is this there a long list of drama preceding this latest fall out? Sounds like you just need to stay away.

SIL has always been a bit rude/passive aggressive, not very kind in general but I always sensed he “disliked” the fact that her brother has another woman in his life that is not “her” weird as it seems

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DontTouchRoach · 05/06/2025 16:22

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:50

Context is DH had been spending slot of time helping our bereaved friends who had recently lost their child. SIL commented that he was spending far to much time there, trying to make himself out to be a big important man! And why did he need to run to help them?! I calmly told her “well thats just how DH is, he wants to help” Cue “we dont need you to tell us about DH name, we dont need you here at all, he has a mother and a sister, we dont need you” etc etc…

They sound nuts to be honest.

Cerialkiller · 05/06/2025 16:27

nomoremsniceperson · 05/06/2025 15:06

Bleurgh. People who can't tell the difference between being a mother/sister and a wife are weird and creepy. YANBU

Agree with this. It's one of those strange emotionally incestuous relationships at least in one direction. SIL is 'lonely' according to MIL because the evil harpy (you) have taken away her playmate (surrogate boyfriend). Ew.

I think I would feel so sad for her that it would be a struggle not to be utterly sweetly patronising to her face.

'you aren't needed here'

'Aww sil (hands clasped to chest, sweet smile) I'm so sorry I've touched a nerve, I'll be more gentle with you next time).

MeridianB · 05/06/2025 16:38

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 15:25

DH initially bought it up with both of them, told them I was the mother of his children and reminded his mother that I was also the mother of her grandchildren, he does not speak to his sister atm x

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What did his mother say? I'm guessing it wasn't 'sorry son, you're quite right'?

If DH is not speaking to his sister then you certainly don't have to!

ruethewhirl · 05/06/2025 16:39

She sounds vile OP, like someone who has to be the main character. Who says things like these? I'd have as little to do with her as possible, you are absolutely not BU.

Boomer55 · 05/06/2025 16:39

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:40

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

It surely depends on what you husband thinks. 😊

Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:43

Boomer55 · 05/06/2025 16:39

It surely depends on what you husband thinks. 😊

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My husband thinks she was awful

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PeapodMcgee · 05/06/2025 16:45

I know this type; thick as mince and bitter with it. Ultimately they feel jealous of you.

Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:46

PeapodMcgee · 05/06/2025 16:45

I know this type; thick as mince and bitter with it. Ultimately they feel jealous of you.

She has a good job as a teacher, I do wonder sometimes how she manages to not let her passive aggressiveness spill out onto her pupils, and also how she manages in general.

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PineConeOrDogPoo · 05/06/2025 16:46

How did your relationship get to this point?

Original poster

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:51

I commented a little further up that she has always been a bit rude, passive aggressive and not very welcoming no matter what I did. There was always a sense of she was fine with me as long as she could control us all. It seems she was finally unable to keep the mask on and her true feelings came out

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Catsandcannedbeans · 05/06/2025 17:02

No I wouldn’t let someone speak to me like that, but I wouldn’t let a 50 year old who still lives at home bother me anyway. I’d view her as a petulant child.

Callipygion · 05/06/2025 17:09

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 16:46

She has a good job as a teacher, I do wonder sometimes how she manages to not let her passive aggressiveness spill out onto her pupils, and also how she manages in general.

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Deary me, I was going to say “is she a teacher?” As she sounds exactly like my bat-shit sister-in-law (in her 60s) never married, living with her mum. She’s used to being in charge (at school) and having everyone jump to her commands, so expects it at home too.

Brefugee · 05/06/2025 17:12

have not RTFT. Surely the only answer to that is "ewww is he shagging you lot too?"

then NC. And possibly move away. Possibly leaving the DH behind.

queenMab99 · 05/06/2025 17:14

It sounds like she made a childish retort, withput thinking it through, when she knew she was in the wrong for criticising him. How old is she? She sounds extremely immature.

Crazyworldmum · 05/06/2025 17:17

What’s your husbands take on this ? Did he put her in her place ?